Leap of Faith
by ThoughtsAreMeantToBeLetOut
Summary: Sometimes you just got to take a deep breath, swallow back all your fears, shut off all your thoughts and take that leap of faith. But it's hard when all life has ever done is show you that faith alone isn't enough
1. Chapter 1

_**Okay, I'm not totally sure where this came from. Actually, I'm absolutely not sure.  
Fair warning, this is not a happy go lucky piece.  
I'm actually just quite curious as what you guys think of it. Should I leave it like this or do you guys want me to make a story out of it?  
Let me know! Reviews are love!**_

_**Unfortunately neither NCIS LA or the characters Kensi &amp; Deeks are mine. Thankfully the idea of this story is.**_

* * *

**Two sides of the same coin. Fear and faith.  
\- Joseph Lalonde**

There are two sides to every coin, yet it's the same coin. Whether it's heads or tails, the coin doesn't change. Fear and faith work in the same way. Fear is one side of the coin, faith is the other. The challenge is to live your life with the faith side up, leaving no room for fear.

Faith. Complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Being sure of the things we hope for and knowing something is real even if we don't always see it.  
Faith, a word used as a synonym for hope, for trust, and for belief. But it's hard to have faith in something when all life has ever done is show you that it should be feared.

Kensi Marie Blye and Marty Deeks don't do faith. The years have made them both hard, their motto 'seeing is believing' is etched into their routines. Faith, for them, is just a silly five letter word that holds no merit and bears no meaning.

"_Deeks, I just can't okay" _Kensi's eyes are cast down, unable to look at her partner when she whispers the words that'll surely break him. She waits for the sound, the sound of shattering hearts, of footsteps fading into the background, the sound of her partner walking away from her. Them. This. Whatever this is.  
It doesn't come.

Tilting her head up slightly, she regrets it the moment her eyes lock with his.  
The silent defeat reflected in them is like a smoke screen waiting to be lifted.  
_"So that's it?_" he all but manages to choke out _"You're just going to give up? On this? On us? On __me?__"_  
Her brown eyes dart away from him once again and the silence tells him what he needs to know, and fears. There's no fight left in her. It's not like he can blame her, he's not sure how much more he can take himself.

Love is supposed to be liberating, free, hopeful and fun. It's not supposed to swallow you whole and make you wish you where four years old again, when your biggest problem that day would be whether or not your teacher would let you use the _special _crayons.  
Placing his hand on her arm he wills her to look at her one last time. When she eventually does, the tears that stain her face almost make him double over in regret.  
_"It's okay, Kens" _is all he manages to say before he scoops her up in his arms, giving her one last kiss on her forehead, lingering just a little bit longer, afraid of what will happen if he releases, let go. Time ticks by with both of them unwilling to move away from each other, away from the warmth of the embrace that has given them both so much strength and comfort in the past.

"_Deeks" _she whispers quietly, tucking her head securely under his chin. His name comes out strangled, pained, as if it costs her ever ounce of strength left to utter it. He waits for her to continue, but nothing comes. When she finally steps away from him minutes later she places both hands on his face. Her eyes bore into him, and she looks as if she's copying every inch of him into her brain for future reverence. As if she knows that this is the last time he'll ever look at her this way, with pure and total admiration and love. That this is the closest they'll ever get to let the other look inside, crumbling a piece of their strongly built walls.  
It hurts, knowing that this is how far they're ever going to come. Kensi. Deeks. No Kensi and Deeks. Just Kensi, just Deeks. It has almost always been this way with them. Never together, but almost always not apart. If you looked for Kensi, you'd find Deeks about two feet away and vice versa. It's like he once said _"If Kensi goes, I go. That's how we roll" _The underlying deeper meaning not lost on both of them. The label of a relationship never stamped, to refrain from adding pressure to their 'thing'. Both knowing that they where in a relationship without actually naming it so. But when push came to shove, and things really started to move forward between them it was Kensi who once again pulled on the breaks and told him she cared about him too much to risk what they already had.  
Deeks had found it ironic that by not wanting to lose one thing they would end up losing so much more.

_"I'm sorry" _ He hears the words, they're silent, almost inaudible but they're there. He mentally scribbles them down, tucking it away safely in the back of his mind.  
Maybe, he's going to need to hear them a couple more times before he can be okay. Tears are streaming down her face at a rapid pace now and he tries his best to swallows back his own, not wanting to upset her even more _"Me too Kens, me too".  
_He realizes he needs to push through this, for both their sakes, he needs to still be able to work with her, without the promise of something more. He needs to box up his love for her, tuck it away safely in a place where it can't be reached.

Right now, looking at this beautiful but broken creature before him, he's not sure he can. Because how do you keep working as just partners, when there's so much clarity in the love you have for each other but so much confusion in how to deal with it?

How do you let go of the one person who broke down your defenses, pushed through your walls, wormed their way not only into your heart, but deep into your soul and latched on to you with everything they got? The simple answer? You can't, and you don't.

* * *

_**Yeah, told ya it wasn't a happy go lucky piece didn't I? Wanna kill me? Just wound me a little? Let me know so I can armor myself. I'll get Deek's beretta 92FS to protect me, it seems to have worked wonders for him ;-)  
Would love to know what you think  
Til next time!**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**First of all, thank you to everyone who took the time to review and/or follow. It means a lot to me. Second, I've decided to go ahead and make this a story. I have most of the chapters mapped out and have a clear trajectory as to where I am going to take this. So, without too much author's note beforehand I present to you chapter two.  
**_

_**And to clear up any and all confusion there might still be, unfortunately NCIS LA still isn't mine and neither are Kensi &amp; Deeks, but the story is.**_

_**Enjoy**_

* * *

**Love is uncertain  
It's incredibly risky  
And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed  
Yes, it's scary and yes, we're open to being hurt, but can you imagine your life without loving or being loved?**

**-****Brené**** Brown**

Being in love is scary  
Being in love with your best friend is scarier  
Being in love with someone you work with is the scariest  
But, being in love with someone who loves you back is just scary beyond comprehension

Kensi Blye had been in love with Marty Deeks for quite some time now. He got on her nerves pretty much all the time but damn him for making annoying a cute character trade.  
They had been partners for five years and she's been denying her feelings for him for half as long. She knows they've been more than partners for over a year now and if his recent attitude towards her is any indication she knows that now would be the time to stop pretending she doesn't love him as much as she does.  
He's been pulling and pushing against her walls for as long as she can remember and somewhere along the way she stopped putting up a fight.  
He had secured his place in her heart and she knows she's steady in his. Her only true problem is that she doesn't want to lose what they already have. But by playing it safe, she's realizing she's on the verge of losing him anyway.  
He's been slowly and silently pulling away from her ever since she told him she couldn't (or rather wouldn't) take a chance on them. And as much as she wants to blame him, she can't help but understand why he's doing what he's doing. Retreating back into himself, to shelter his heart for more heartbreak. She understands. She understands because that's exactly what she's been doing until he came along. Understanding doesn't make it hurt any less, and it certainly doesn't make her miss him any less either, the many hours they used to spend together outside of work now simply reduced to zero.  
She misses the way his eyes would twinkle when she'd take him up on whatever he had planned for them that day, or the small way he would crack his special smile when she asked him to hang out with her just a little longer. Or the way he would chuckle when she'd call him on the weekends practically begging to go do something. She wonders how you can miss someone who's still here. He's still in her life, still covers her back like no other partner ever could, still listens to her stories and still tries to smile at her ever so often (She certainly doesn't miss the way his smile never reaches his eyes anymore)  
But that's it, at the end of the day they both go their separate ways.  
She really misses him, all of him. Her (almost) lover, her confidant, her best friend, her partner in crime, her Deeks.

"_What's wrong?" _a silent voice pulls Kensi out of her thoughts.

She blinks a couple times to clear her head, looking up towards the voice _"Huh?"_

"Did you two break up?"

Nell asks, the worry and sympathy shining in her eyes.

Kensi raises her eyebrows _"Who? Deeks and I?" _She briefly wonders if maybe Nell overheard her talking to herself but quickly realizes she doesn't do that. Kensi isn't known for her talking skills (well, not the kind that matter in this situation anyway) so she knows she would've never voiced her thoughts out loud for anyone to hear.

Nell looks at her questioningly_ "No, Brad and Angelina. Yes, you two" _she counters. She knows the telltale sign of her friend in distress and it certainly didn't look like Kensi was having pleasant thoughts just now, sighing ever so often and wringing her hands together like she does when she's really nervous about something.  
_  
_Kensi let out a soft chuckle _"Deeks and I where never together" _she tries to put the irony in her statement but her voice is wistful.  
_  
"Oh Please, you've been together ever since you two locked eyes" _Nell replies. Knowing as well as anyone else that there has been a lot going on between the partners for a long time now.

Kensi feels anger bubble up inside her. She doesn't want to be here, she doesn't want to talk about this, she doesn't want to think about this right now _"No. We weren't, aren't nor have we __ever __been together" _ She spits angrily, quoting the 'together' part with her fingers.

Nell doesn't seem the least bit faced by Kensi's angry outburst. She figures that if she presses on she might just get to the bottom of what's bothering her friend so much _"There's something different though"_

_"No, there's not" _Kensi breathes out, silently pleading to drop the subject.

Nell's about to ask something else when a familiar voice interrupts her.  
"_Night Velma" _Deeks says, smiling at her. _"Night, Kensi. See you Monday" _Before Kensi has a chance to reply Deeks is already moving away from them.  
"_See" _Nell points towards the retreating figure in the distance. There's absolutely something going on there, and she doesn't like it.  
_"What is there to see?" _Kensi asks, getting more agitated by the minute

Nell sighs, grabbing both of Kensi's hands forcing her to make eye contact _"When was the last time you two left work __separately__ and __didn't __spend the weekend together?"  
_  
This was cutting way to close to Kensi's open wound and her face betrayed how much it affected her, yet she tried to downplay it _"We spend wee-"_

Nell didn't even let her finish, seeing right through her little charade_ "Kensi, come on, I'm your friend, spill" _she said a little forcefully, tired of this whole closed of Kensi business. She was supposed to be her friend, if not one of her best friends and she wasn't getting anything out of her. It bothered her more than she'd care to admit.  
_  
"It's nothing Nell, drop it" _Kensi growled. The venom in her voice made Nell tremble. Kensi wasn't one to fall out like that so she must have hit a sore spot. Figuring that it was best to give up defeat (for now) she walks away slowly, shaking her head. Sometimes she wished Kensi's wasn't still so stubborn and closed of when it came to matters of the heart.

* * *

Deeks was laying on the couch absentmindedly playing with the remote control when he heard a faint knock on his door. He glanced towards the clock and wondered who'd be foolish enough to come to his house at 11 P.M on a Friday night.  
Most of his friends knew that after a grueling week at work he wouldn't be in the mood for anything other than sipping a beer on his couch, watching whatever he could find on TV that didn't require much thinking.  
The only person who it could've been in the past, was Kensi. But, he had made it quite clear that if she wanted him to keep being her partner they had to take a step back and not hang out for a while.  
As much as it had hurt him to say it, it hadn't hurt nearly as much as watching her broken expression when he said his goodbye's earlier at OSP. He felt like he couldn't get out of there fast enough, and not just because it seemed like she was in a rather emotional conversation with Nell. He knew that if he stayed and watched her for just a second longer, his resolve would crumble, he'd take her into his arms and tried to cheer her up with dinner and a movie. But, he couldn't do that anymore, not if he still wanted to be able to work with her and not have it permanently damage him and his battered heart.

He shook his head when the second knock, a little louder, brought him back from his thoughts. Taking just a minute longer to figure out if he shouldn't open the door at all, knowing that it could only be one person, he decided against it, not wanting to get an earful on Monday as to why he let her stand outside in the cold.

Opening the door he was greeted by the one person he knew it would be _"Kensi, what are you doing here?" _he asked, trying to steady his voice. He knew it would be her behind the door, but seeing her standing there, hands in her pockets, cute little had on, he had to swallow back the urge to hug her and urge her inside.

_"We need to talk" _ Her face displayed determination but her voice trembled. He wondered if it was because of the cold or nerves. He figured it was probably a little bit of both.

He knew that it wasn't nice of him to let her stand outside in the cold and the image tuck on his heartstrings but his head was winning over his heart this time _"I'm all talked out. Nothing left to say. Nothing that hasn't been said anyway"_ he made a move to close the door, when she shoved her foot in between the frame and the door

_"Please, Deeks" _she pleaded, fixing her eyes on him. Hoping against all hope that he'd give her a chance to explain why she'd came. She could see the doubt and uncertainty swirl in his eyes. After a minute of complete silence, he decides to give her the benefit of the doubt, opening the door a little further signaling her to come in.

Kensi looks around the living room, doubt creeping in when she settles on the couch, legs securely tucked under her. She feels the couch dip and lets out a sigh when she sees Monty snuggling against her side.  
_  
_It's a sight for sore eyes, and it hurts his heart knowing that she's still so comfortable being in his home. He wished he could do the same but his heart is racing and his head is in overdrive, he needs something to calm his nerves, to ease his racing heart _"Want a beer? I'm going to get a beer. I think I need a beer" _he rambles, walking towards the kitchen, but before he can get two steps away from her he hears her quiet plea_ "Deeks, sit down. I just want to talk to you" _

He decides to ignore her request, desperately needing to get away from the tension that surrounds them _"Talking requires hydration. Beer is hydration. Beer it is" _

Shaking her head she watches him practically sprint towards the kitchen. A minute later he comes back with two beers. He puts one in front of her , eyeing the couch wearily. He knows that even though with Monty snuggled against her side there's still enough room on the couch but he opts for the coffee table. Feeling his back twitch two seconds later he abruptly stands and settles down on the seat on the far end of the room. A silent chuckle escapes him, for someone who has lived in this house for years he seems ill at ease.

"_Deeks, relax"_ she pleads _"Please" _she swallows, feeling her own nerves flair up.

_"I'm not sure what you expect from me here, Kensi" _

Kensi sighs, he's been using her full name ever since their first talk and it shows her how emotionally detached he's trying to make himself _"Deeks"_

_"Just say what you came here to say, Kensi" _

There it is again, the use of her full name. No Kenselina, no Fern, no Kens, and it hurts her more than she might be willing to admit.  
_"Can you just __try __to relax Deeks. Please" _She says again, trying and failing to keep her own nerves from showing. She looks at her hands, woven together tightly, a nervous habit she's picked up over the years. She tries to focus her eyes on him but she can tell he's been looking at her hands as well

_"I don't think that's such a good idea"_ she suddenly hears "_I've been too relaxed around you for too long. I let myself get too close for comfort" _His eyes meet hers, and she see the hurt shining through _"I got burned" _he whispers the last part, but she catches it none the less. And, even though she realizes he's right, it doesn't make the words sting any less _"I don't know how to move on from this" _he continues _"Every day with you, but not _**_really _**_be with you is another day a piece of my heart crumbles"_

Kensi looks at the man she considers to be her everything, although she might not be able to say that out loud yet, she needs him to know this is hurting her just as much as it is him_  
"This is not easy for me either, Deeks" _she lets out tentatively.

Deeks shakes his head_ "It's not about easy anymore Kensi. It's about how to get through this slightly battered but relatively emotionally unscathed"_

Knowing that this is where thing start to get really tricky, she swallows and pushes out the words that have been eating away at her ever since her talk with Nell_ "I don't think that's possible" _

"_And that's the root of the issue right there" _Deeks swallows. He's trying really hard to look anywhere but at the beautiful woman in front of him. He knows that if he keeps looking at her just a little longer, he's going to say or do something they'll probably both regret not long after.

Kensi silently takes a sip of her beer before asking the question she's been dreading to ask ever since they got into this situation_ "So, now what?"_

Deeks doesn't miss a beat when he forces the next words out of his mouth fast _"I could resign, go back to LAPD"_

Her reply is steady and resolute _"That's not an option worth considering and you know it" _she says, silently praying that it isn't something he's really considered with all of this going on.  
_  
"It isn't?" _he asks timidly, wondering why he's so keen to hear her answer.

Kensi swallows hard _"I can't imagine my life without you in it. I don't remember life without you and I seriously don't want to find out" _she answers.

Her eyes are trained on him and he has to give her credit for opening up to him. He knows he owes her the same _"I don't want to lose you from my life either"  
_  
Kensi visibly relaxes after his last words but he can see the tears pricking behind her eyes, knowing it takes everything in her power to hold them back _"So?" _she asks silently _"Now what?"_

Deeks seems to be thinking about that for a minute before coming up with an answer "_I think there's only one option left" _he finally says.

Kensi raises her eyebrows _"Which is?" _She tries to steady herself, unclasping her hands.

_"I'll try to stop loving you" _

It's quiet for a long time before she finally speaks _"I don't want you to try" _the words come out so quietly that he has to strain to hear her.

_"It's not a switch I can turn on and off, Kens" _he whispers brokenly. His own resolve crumbling by the minute. He doesn't really understand what she expects from him, why she's making this so hard on both of them.

Kensi gives him a tentative smile upon hearing her nickname _"That's not what I meant Deeks" _placing a hand under his chin she pushes him to look at her _"I need you to keep loving me" _there, she said it.

Her words don't register with him immediately, he's still trying to figure out how he didn't see her coming towards him, trying to come to grips with their sudden close proximity. When the words finally do register, he manages to crack out a strangled _"Why?" _

_"Because I need to keep loving you"_

* * *

**_Ooooooh, I just LOVE cliffhangers, don't you? *evil laugh* Anyway.. Let me know what you think okay?  
Reviews are what makes the sun shine and the world bright and it makes writing a lot more fun (so more chance for faster updates)  
_**

* * *

**_Just a little extra A/N:_**

_**Now that I've made the decision to make this into a real story I'll try to update every Sunday. BUT I will have to say that I'm on the verge of moving. I will be at family for about two weeks because the house isn't ready yet and I have to get out of the old one.**_  
_**I'm planning on moving the weekend of the 10th but I'll have internet around the 12th.**_  
_**That being said, I'll TRY to write and update anyway while being at my family BUT I can't promise anything, I just want you guys to keep that in mind while waiting for the next update.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**_Yes, I know it's not Sunday yet but I found a little time to write &amp; didn't know when the next time I could update would be._**

**_Thanks to all the reviews, favorites &amp; follows, it means the world to me. _**

**_To the one person who reviewed that the bold and italic letters distracted her from the story I just want to say that I understand where you are coming from and I won't be using bold letters_****_ anymore but I'm keeping the italics because it illustrates what's been said and I personally think it makes it easier to read. But, to each it's own, so I'm sorry if it bothers you._**

**_Just in case anyone forgot, neither NCIS LA nor Kensi &amp; Deeks are mine. The story is._**

* * *

_Kensi gives him a tentative smile upon hearing her nickname "That's not what I meant Deeks" placing a hand under his chin she pushes him to look at her "I need you to keep loving me" there, she said it. _

_Her words don't register with him immediately, he's still trying to figure out how he didn't see her coming towards him, trying to come to grips with her close proximity. When the words finally do register, he manages to crack out a strangled "Why?" _

"_Because I need to keep loving you" _

* * *

**If you take a chance you may win and be happy,  
or lose and be wise  
If you don't, nothing changes  
\- David Muecke**

_"I need to keep loving you, Deeks" _Kensi repeats clearly, looking straight at him.

_"What does that mean?" _Deeks breathes, casting his eyes upwards, looking at Kensi.

If she didn't know any better she would have sworn there was a flicker of anger in his eyes. Becoming visibly frustrated Kensi takes a deep breath _"You know what it means"_

He knows this is the time to push, to not let her shut down on him again. Even if it means they fight. He's not going to back down that easy, not this time. _  
_It had taken a lot out of him to come to terms with her rejection but he was managing. Now here she was, pretty as always, looking at him with her emotion filled eyes, telling him in not so many words that she'd changed her mind _"Do I?"_

_"Deeks" _Kensi says exasperated. She should have known he wasn't going to make it easy for her. She knew she had hurt him and he had been trying everything in his power to move on from their thing, from them. They both knew it wasn't that simple. It had taken a lot out of both of them, to try and move on.

Looking straight into her eyes, he sees the emotion swirling around and the only thing he can think about is how this is it. The yes or no, the do or don't, their breaking point _"Kensi, I don't want cryptic clues as to what you are trying to tell me. If you can't just come out and say it, how am I supposed to know you really mean it?"_

It's not that she doesn't agree with him, she does. And, the words are on the tip of her tongue but she can't seem to get them out _"Deeks, I -" _

Deeks rises from his seat _"Forget it Kens"_

She follows him with her eyes, and her breath hitches when she sees him walking towards the door. She can feel her panic rising, he's going to kick her out _"No, Deeks. I need you to know what I mean"_

Turning around he stalks towards her, determination in his step "_Then **say **it, woman"_

Kensi takes a deep breath, walking towards him she places both her hands in his _"Deeks, I lo-" _she starts, but the moment her eyes lock with his the rest of the words get stuck in her throat.  
His gaze is so intense and it scares her beyond believe how much love this man has for her.  
Love, for the woman who is broken beyond repair, with scars deeper than the deepest ocean. Love, for the woman who doesn't know how to open up, to trust completely, to love unconditionally. If she tells him how she feels about him now, there's no going back. She'll have to open herself up, let him in, make herself vulnerable, give away a piece of her control and she doesn't know how to do that.

_"I think you should go" _She anticipates the words before she actually hears them, and it's a double punch in the gut.  
Knowing that he's giving her an out, again, she knows that this really is it. If she doesn't tell him now, she's never going to and things are truly going to be over before they began.

Willing herself to look at him one last time, she takes every ounce of determination she has, looks straight into his eyes, and states without hessitation _"I love you, Deeks" _

_"Now that wasn't that hard was it?"_ Deek says, trying to lighten the mood.

Kensi gives him a tentative smile and inches closer to him _"Shut up and say it back" _

His eyes shine bright and he can't help but laugh at the beautiful woman in front of him _"I love you, Kenselina. I really really love you" _

Those words somehow break the last of her resolve _"I'm truly, madly, deeply, head over heals, never going to recover, in love with you, Deeks" _

* * *

After finally laying everything out on the table, realizing they're completely on the same page this time, it takes about all of two seconds for things to go back to normal.

They bicker and flirt like before and they both agree to put all of their effort into making their partnership work, profesionally and personally. They both realize that this is it and neither of them wants to screw it up.

The entire team dynamic changes now that they officially acknowledge there is a thing worth considering. Callen and Sam don't tease them about it anymore because they know how big of a deal it actually is for them to finally stop hiding behind the jabs and innuendo. Nell just squeals from delight and Eric just wistfully looks from Nell to Kensi and Deeks, hoping that one day soon he'll fight up the courage to do what they a chance.

* * *

Although they originally decided to take things slow it takes Deeks about two words and Kensi about all of one week to pack up her stuff and move in. A very small part of her wonders if she's moving into his apartment to make it harder for him to actually walk out on her, but the part of her brain that thinks rationally knows that Deeks would never willingly walk out on her and his place was just a tad bit bigger and relatively closer to work.

_"Kens, you okay?"_ Deeks asks, wrapping his arms around her from behind. She relaxes into his touch and hums contently _"What's on your mind Kens?"_

_"Noth-"_

He cuts her off _"Don't say nothing. I know you better than that"_

Kensi can't help but smile, loving the fact that he indeed knows her, that he's actually the only one who really truly does. But she wonders if she should share this with him, she feels stupid for even thinking it _"It's no big deal" _

_"Let me be the judge of that" _Deeks says, turning Kensi around.

Somehow she feels that she owes it to him to tell what's on her mind. Isn't that what relationships are all about? Isn't that what it means to open up? _"It's just that I wondered if a part of me moved in with you to make it harder for you to walk out on me" _she stops, looking for any signs of frustration but the only thing she sees shining back at her is complete understanding, so she continues _"I know it's unreasonable. You're not Jack. I know you love me and would never just walk out. There's just a part that thinks that you wouldn't leave your home as easily as you would mine"_

_ "I wouldn't leave you even if we lived in a tent on the arctic" _Deeks says. He knows that this is a realistic fear she has developed in life because of all of the people who left her but he wants her to know he's not one of those people.

_"I__ wouldn't blame you if you did. The arctic is cold" _Kensi counters smiling

Deeks laughs, "Life_ without you would be colder" _giving a tiny kiss on her nose, he continues _"Kidding aside Kens, I don't ever want you to doubt my love and devotion to you. I will never leave you like Jack did"_

_ "I know" _Kensi answers without hesitation "_Just promise me one thing" _

Deeks nods _"Name it" _

_"Promise me we'll always try to talk things out" _

It's quiet for a little while and Kensi briefly wonders if he didn't hear her "_We're not good at that. You know. Talking" _he finally says, uncertainty clouding his voice

_"Deeks" _Kensi warns, knowing he's only partly kidding.

Giving a weary smile, Deeks put a hand on his chest _"Kidding Kens. I dashing Marty Deeks solemnly swear to always try to talk things out with kick ass Kenselina Blye" _he states

"You're_ such a child" _Kensi chuckles

_ "Oh hush Fern, you love me for it" _

Kensi smacks him lightly on his shoulder before giving him a firm kiss _"That I do shaggie, That I do"_

* * *

**_A/N: _****_Don't exactly know how I did it but I managed to put another chapter up for you guys through all of the hassle of moving. Please excuse any mistakes made because I'm on a foreign computer that doesn't recognize all of the words. _**

**_Anyway, don't forget to let me know what you think of this chapter and/or maybe even speculate on what you think will (our would like to see) happen next._**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Hello dearest readers, thanks for tuning in for a new chapter of Leap of Faith. I'm actually quite proud of this chapter although I must admit that there might be some slight triggering stuff in it for some people, so I apologize for that beforehand.**_

_**Just to be sure I'll remind you guys of a couple things before the chapter starts  
1) NCIS LA still isn't mine &amp; neither are Kensi and Deeks  
2) This story ISN'T a happy go lucky Densi story. Yes it's Kensi &amp; Deeks together. Yes it's romantic Densi but it's NOT all happy and romantic all the time  
3) English isn't my native tongue so any errors are mine and can hopefully be forgiven**_

_**Okay enough babble beforehand, let's get into it.  
**_

* * *

**Jealousy in romance is like salt in food.**

**A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.**

**Maya Angelou**

The entire week had been pretty good as far as Kensi was concerned. Finally labeling her relationship with Deeks had brought back her good mood. They had even managed to be completely honest with Hetty and where surprised when the woman gave them their blessing, albeit reluctantly. Hetty had told them that it was their life and they needed to figure out how to live it together, if that's what they wanted, without any interference in team dynamic.  
As wonderful as the past week had been Kensi should have known it wouldn't last.

Their latest case had put a damper on their blissful week. Deeks had never been the overly jealous type and Kensi never expected her chosen actions to affect him as much as it did.  
But here she was, in the middle of their living room, trying to calm down her partner and lover.

_"It was a cover kiss, Deeks" _she says firm but kindly, trying to keep the accusing tone from her voice. She wants to forget about today, take a nice hot shower to wash away the day and the lengths she had to go to get the information they needed.

Apparently Deeks doesn't get the message. _"Oh so you shoving your tongue down his throat and groping his ass didn't give you any pleasure at all?" _he says angrily.

_"Deeks" _Kensi warns. She had done what needed to be done and it had worked. There was no need to fight about it.

Deeks snorts sarcastically. If she thinks he's going to let this one go she's dead wrong  
_"Excuse me for not being happy about the way my girlfriend handled it. Even Callen and Sam agreed it was a bit extreme" _

_"You talked to Sam and Callen about this before you talked to me?" _ She asks, surprise edged in her tone.  
She's a little hurt to be honest; she'd expected them to figure things out together. And she never would have pegged Deeks for talking about her with the boys, not without her knowledge anyway.

"_It's called a debrief Kensi"_ He tries to explain. It's not that he talked about everything that happened during the case but he just wanted to know what Callen and Sam thought about her approach. The three of them had become a lot closer over the years and he considers them not only teammates but also his friends. And friends talk about things like this.

_"Keep telling yourself that" _She spits out. Her blood is boiling. She's not completely sure where this burst of anger is coming from but she's suddenly feeling extremely hurt and agitated.

_"Just like you tell yourself you needed to act like a slut to get the suspect to talk?" _Deeks counters. And before they both realize what happens he feels a hand slam hard across his face.  
He hears her gasp. Realizing what she just did she feels the tears pricking behind her eyelids and she sees a look of total and utter shock on his face that most likely mirrors hers  
Feeling his cheek burning Deeks instinctively puts his hand over the place where hers collided with his face. He can see a million different emotions running across her face  
_"I" _Kensi starts, trying to will the words out. Somehow nothing comes.

Deeks tries to takes a step forward but she cowards back forcefully

"_I have to go" _she whispers, hurriedly grabbing her purse from the table and running out the door leaving Deeks standing in the living room wondering what the hell just happened.

* * *

He tries to stay up for her as long as he can but when the clock shows 3 AM he reluctantly drags himself to bed, realizing he needs to be at work in a couple hours. He quickly wonders how he's going to be able to work properly if he doesn't know where she is but he pushes that thought from his mind just as quickly as it came. He'll see her tomorrow, they'll talk before work. They have to.

The next morning there's still no sign of Kensi though and his initial shock has morphed into anger. The drive into OPS is one with loud blasting music, swerving through the traffic dangerously, checking his phone every two seconds. The device stays eerily quiet though, like it had done the past twelve hours. No call, no text, no app, nothing. If he didn't know any better she could have been lying dead in a ditch somewhere, and they never would get the chance to talk this out. He suppresses that thought quickly; he knows that Kensi's a kick ass, independent, strong woman who has no problem taking care of herself. Ever.

Parking his car in his regular spot he takes a couple deep breaths, calming himself down.  
The walk to the bullpen seems longer than normal, he wonders if that's maybe because he's not really ready to see her. But the moment he sees her sitting at her desk, absentmindedly typing away on her computer, he feels the relief wash over him. She's here, she's safe, she's okay. His original thought is to stalk up to her and giving her a piece of his mind but he knows he can't do that here. And, since she's the one who did all the walking away last night he figures she needs to be the one to come back to him.

He quickly looks around to see if there's any sign of their other two team members. He concludes they aren't in close proximity. He's thankful for that because he's pretty sure the there's no way they wouldn't notice the tension.  
Plopping himself down behind his desk, he takes a couple deep breaths and opens up his laptop. Minutes seems to tick by ever so slowly without neither of them making any effort to talk.  
From the corner of his eyes he can see her sneaking a peek at him every two seconds and it's starting to get on his nerves.  
Just when he's about to say something he hears something coming from the other end of the room _"I'm sorry" _she says timidly.

Deeks head snaps up and he looks at her questioningly _"What did you say?" _

_"I'm sorry" _she repeats more steadily, trying to lock their eyes together. She seems ill at ease, and he can't blame her. It's a foreign concept to both of them, Kensi Blye, being shy and unbalanced.

Deeks stalks towards her with determination _"Come with me" _he states. If she thinks that saying sorry is going to fix everything, she doesn't know him as well as she might think she does.

Apparently Kensi does know better because she follows him without any protest. He guides them to a secluded room and the door isn't fully closed behind her before he turns back to her  
_"What the __**hell **__was that Kensi?" _ His voice shakes, anger prominent.

She looks at him bewildered, not having anticipated the direct approach _"I'm sorry" _she says again, not knowing what else to say.

Deeks shakes his head, walking towards a window, putting some distance between them.  
As much as he wants to stay calm, his body doesn't get the memo.  
_"We had a deal Kensi. A fuck-ing deal. But apparently that deal only applies to me and not you" _he screams at her, body shaking from anger.

Kensi's head snaps up _"Wha-t? " _she hates how unsteady she sounds so she swallows, takes a couple breaths and tries again _"What do you mean?" _

_"I seriously don't know what happened last night and I'm sorry I said what I said. I probably deserved that punch Kens, but that's not the problem" _Deeks fixes his eyes on her, looking for any signs of understanding. He sees her trying to process the words, and when he gets nothing from her in return he takes a deep breath _"You walked away" _he croaks out.

Looking in his eyes she sees the pain reflecting in his blue orbs. Realization dawns on her. He's not upset about the punch. He's upset that she walked away from him  
_"I needed time and space" _she admits quietly.

_"Then go walk Monty. Kick me to the couch and retreat to the bedroom but __**don't **__do what you made me promise never to do to you" _he chokes out, his anger morphing into sadness, reliving all the pain he felt last night. It had hurt him more than he ever thought was possible. _"The slap hurt Kens, but not nearly as much as you walking out on me"_

Kensi swallows hard, understanding the pain she cost him. And as much as she wants to defend herself she knows she can't. She had made him promise to always talk about things and the first thing she did was walk away _"I'm sorry Deeks, I'm so sorry" _she says quietly. Losing the last of her resolve she breaks down crying. Saying sorry isn't enough, she knows that, but she also knows there isn't anything else she can say that can excuse or forgive what she did, and she's not sure she deserves it either.

It's quiet for a long time. Kensi's quiet sobs the only sound in the room. Deeks had wanted to take her in his arms the moment she started crying but a big part of him was still mad and wanted her to feel some of the pain he had felt last night. Eventually he can't take seeing her in this much distress anymore, so he takes a couple steps towards her  
_"Promise me you won't do it again" _  
Kensi's red rimmed eyes search his _"Huh?" _she asks, not having heard him.  
_"Just promise me you won't do it again Kens, and we'll forget about it" _Deeks elaborates. He knows that it's probably not going to be as easy as he makes it sound. This will probably linger for a little bit longer but he really doesn't want to dwell on it too much right now.

"_Won't do what?" _ Kensi asks. It's not that she doesn't know what he means, but she needs to hear it.

_"Slap me or walk away" _Deeks answers timidly _"Preferably both, but I'll settle for the latter since I know you have a knack for punching" _he says, trying to lighten the mood. He opens his arms and Kensi manages a small chuckle nuzzling herself into his embrace _"This is hard" _she admits quietly.

Deeks drops a kiss on her forehead_ "Everything worthwhile is hard work" _he explains _"We just need to learn together, Kensi. You and me" _

"_Aren't you philosophical all of a sudden" _Kensi says, adapting to the lighter mood

_"It's you and me, Kens. Long haul, remember?" _he reminded her, ignoring her little jab. He needs her to remember they're in this together, until the end.

_"Long haul" _she repeats. Smiling, she remembers the words spoken between them months ago.

_"Long haul" _he echo's, dropping another kiss on the top of her head.

Kensi feels herself relaxing a little. Tilting her head, she peppers his cheek with kisses _"I'm truly sorry Deeks"_ she says a final time.

Deeks puts his hands on either side of her face _"It's okay" _he says, surprised by the sincerity in his voice. It really is.  
_"Kensi Blye, you still pack a mean punch" _he says.  
That actually gets a real snort out of her. A small chuckle escapes his throat and she feels the tension ooze out of his body. Thinking back on how badly this day had started, she shutters one last time, willing herself to relax.

* * *

That evening they eat dinner in front of the TV, with her nuzzled in between his legs, completely and utterly relaxed. They'd both seem to have settled into their usual routine, forgotten everything that happened over the past twenty four hours. That is until the man on the screen slaps his wife hard across the face.  
Deeks feels her tense up before she even utters his name  
_"Kensi" _he tries, but she seems to be frozen in her position _"I told you it was okay. Please don't beat yourself up over it" _he says, trying to calm her down. He can feel her whole body tense against him further, shuttering once again _"Okay, poor choice of words, but seriously Kensi. Look at me" _  
She can't seem to move. She wants to talk, wants to turn her head and look at him, but she can't. She's too scared, still too shocked by her own actions.  
_"Look at me please" _he pleads. Deeks knows that if they don't resolve this now it's going to linger even longer than they want it to and as far as he's concerned it's done. No need to dwell.

Kensi suddenly stands, curling herself into a ball on the opposite end of the couch. Images of her slap playing on a loop in her head. Deeks tries to slide towards her but she looks at him with scared eyes  
_"Kensi please" _he says, opening his arms, silently pleading to curl into him. Her eyes are scared, questioning, but after a couple more minutes she's convinced there's only sincerity reflecting in his so she takes all of her courage, crawls towards him and lunges herself into his arms.  
He feels the sobs before he hears them and he does the only thing he knows to do. He tries to comfort her, not with words, but with his actions. His grip tightens around her and his one arm brushes over her long locks and the other keeps rubbing her back steadily.  
They stay like that for a long time until she rolls herself over and curls herself into his side. The sight before him breaks his heart, his kick ass Kensi doesn't look so kick ass now with swollen eyes and tear streaks on her face. He waits for her to talk

"_I'm sor-"  
_he kisses her hard before she even gets to finish _"If I hear you're sorry one more time you're sleeping on the left side of the bed for a month" _he jokes, trying to light the mood.  
Kensi gives him a small smile _"I really am though" _she sighs, looking straight into his eyes. She knows she's said sorry about a million times but she figures she'll need to say it another million before she feels she can be forgiven.  
_  
"I know"_ Deeks takes her hands and curls their fingers together. He kisses her hair before continuing_ "You know what, just promise next time you get the urge to slap, punch or kick something or more specifically that something being me, try hitting anything __**other **__than the pretty face will ya?"_

It's typical Deeks to try and make a joke out of a serious situation but she doesn't feels he deserves it this time _"Deeks"_ she says timidly

He knows she's feeling extremely guilty and he's done with it _"Kens, come on. It happened, you're sorry. End of story" _Taking their joined hands he raises them to his mouth and drops a kiss to them.

_"I really don't know what came over me" _she says, moving to get up.

Deeks grabbed her arm before she can pull away from him further _"You're an 'action' girl Kens. You do first, think later. I've gotten used to the bruises over the years"_

Kensi glared at him. _"Bruises?" _she asked.

_"Yeah, you seriously don't punch like a girl you know. My skin isn't used to getting 'roughed up' like that. It's delicate" _Deeks explained smiling.

Kensi stilled for a moment, trying to decide if she'd be able to get away with her next pun  
_"I'll try to keep that in mind next time" _she said, deciding to go for it.

_"Next time?"_

Kensi swallowed hard seeing the shock on his face _"Too soon?" _she asked

Deeks smiled, squeezing her hand_ "Just didn't see that one coming"_

_"Good" _she said, nestling herself back into his side.

Deeks suddenly feels himself become quite sleepy. With Kensi absentmindedly flipping through the TV channels he lets himself succumb to the drowsiness.

Kensi stared at the blank screen for a while, trying to put her thoughts back in order before she spoke. Pressed against his heart she could hear his steady heartbeat _"Deeks?" _she asked after a moment.

"_Yes?"_ he answered. His voice full of sleep.

_"We're good?" _Kensi asked timidly. She didn't want to become annoying but she needed to know they'd moved on from this.

Deeks pressed a strand of hair behind her ear and smiled at her _"We've never 'not' been good" _he told her softly, placing a kiss on her cheek lightly

_"Deeks" _Kensi sighed_ "You know what I mean"_ she said, melting into his touch.

Deeks trailed his lips back to her ear _"Yes Kens, we're good" _he whispered.

_"Promise?" _she managed to crack out, trying her hardest to stay cool

"_Promise" _Deeks echoed

_"Now there's just one thing left we need to do" _Kensi says, locking their eyes together.

"_And that is?" _Deeks asks cheekily, having a pretty good idea what she meant

"_Now" sh_e whispers, letting her breath tickle his ear _"Now I'm going to take my time to show you just how much I love you" she_ trails off in a whisper, kissing against his ear. _"All night long" s_he finishes, biting down on his earlobe hard enough to cause him to gasp.

His eyes flew towards hers. He can't help the shutter that escapes his body upon hearing her words.  
Her eyes twinkle from excitement, knowing full well what affect it had on him. She sighed one final time, letting all the frustrations of the day out before reaching out her hand, helping him up and finally connecting their lips together in a long slow passionate kiss.

* * *

_**A/N Okay, I know that for some of you that slap wasn't what you'd expected to happen but there's something I need to say about that.  
I felt like I could be a 'natural' thing that could happen between them. Kensi had always been a puncher and Deeks knows that. Until now all of her punches where addressed to his shoulder blades with the exception of the one face slap heard around the world in season 5.  
Kensi's a passionate person, she's also very emotional. Unlike the slap in season 5 the slap that I've written wasn't done deliberately. She didn't mean to hit him this time, it was just an accumulation of built up frustration and anger during their talk/fight and it got away from her.  
That's also why, unlike last time, she'd felt so extremely guilty afterwards and felt like she didn't deserve to be forgiven easily.  
In my opinion both Kensi and Deeks are very straightforward people. If somethings wrong,it's wrong, when something's right, it's right. They both still need to learn that there's a grey area that they can operate between. They're trying their best to give this relationship the best chance they can give it and it's going to have its ups and downs but like Deeks said, they're in this together for the long haul.**_

_**I'm still very excited for the rest of this story and I hope you guys are too. If there's something you want me to address or need me to clear up, just let me know.**_

_**Please don't forget to review and let me know what you think about this chapter, I'd love to hear it (and it's a great motivator to keep writing)**_

_**Have a great week &amp; we'll see each other again next Sunday! **_


	5. Chapter 5

_**First and foremost I want to thank each and every one of you who favorite, follows and reviews this story, it means so much to me that people enjoy reading L.O.F.  
Just have to clear some tiny things up before we get into next chapter.  
I've decided not to reflect on the slap between Kensi &amp; Deeks in this chapter. Mostly because I felt that it was resolved at the end of the last one.  
I had some people say that Deeks reaction was extreme and unjustified but I didn't see it that way. Yes, he overreacted on a cover kiss, when he had done so much worse in the past. Yes, he called her a sl*t but he acknowledged that he shouldn't have said it and he even told Kensi that he probably deserved the punch. The point I was trying to make was that Deeks was upset about the fact that Kensi walked away from him when she so clearly made him promise to never do that to her. You can take the fight and the punch any way you like but in the end the main point I was trying to make was that they BOTH still have a lot to learn and at the end of the day they want to do that together. **_

_**There isn't a clear timeline in this story, sometimes one chapter immediately follows into the next and other times (like this one) it's clear that a little time has passed between both chapters. I hope that's not too confusing for you guys.**_

_**I know it's an illusion but I still hold out hope that one day I might have ownership over Densi and/or NCIS LA. Right now though, I have to be content with the fact that nothing more than the ideas for this story are my own. **_

_**Okay, enough talk. Let's get into the chapter.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

**In a dark moment I ask, "How can anyone bring a child into this world?" And the answer rings clear, "Because there is no other world, and because the child has no other way into it." **

**-Robert Brault**

It's one of those days. One of those days where everything you don't want to talk about forces their way to the surface and you have no other way of getting rid of it.  
Kensi had known for years that Deeks was the type that wanted kids and every time they had a case that involved children she'd see that extra glint of happiness in his eyes when he'd get to play with them. For the longest time Kensi couldn't imagine herself as a mother but in the back of her mind she knew the talk about it was inevitable.

Here they where, sitting outside Sam's garden on a Saturday afternoon. The case they had been working on had wrapped early and Michelle had invited them over for a little family barbecue. Deeks had been watching Kensi clearly for a couple minutes while she appeared to intensely watch Sam play with his daughter. Her features where relaxed but her body langue betrayed her tense state.

"_You don't want to have kids?" _Deeks blurred out. He knew that bringing this up right now was a risk but he couldn't hold it in any longer. The thought had haunted him the entire day and they had been together long enough for them to finally have a real talk about their future plans.

Kensi looked at him, clearly startled by his direct approach_ "I never said that. I said it was unlikely with a job like ours" _she explained.

Deeks sighed, after years of working side by side he knew how to read between her lines and he didn't like what he was hearing _"You said highly __unlikely. Highly unlikely is pretty much a no"  
_

Kensi shifted, tearing her eyes away from the Hanna family, and turning towards Deeks "_Can we not do this right now? Can we talk about this later?"_ she asked, but the tone of her voice made it seem more like a statement than a question.

Deeks shook his head _"No. Because later with you is almost always never"_

It was clear that Deeks wasn't going to let this go without a fight and she knew that this wasn't the time and place to get into everything _"We'll talk about this when we get home" _she promised, locking her eyes with his  
_  
_Deeks eyed her hopeful _"So there's still something to talk about?" _he asked, knowing that if there was something to talk about it meant he could still hold out a little hope  
_  
"Yes Deeks, there is"_ Kensi promised, taking his hand and squeezing it softly.

* * *

Silence. All she really wants is silence. Silence, to put her thoughts in order.

Unfortunately, silence isn't an option _"Let's talk"_ Deeks says the minute she drops down on the couch and pushes her shoes out of the way.

As much as she loves him, she's seriously not in a state to talk about this now _"Deeks, seriously, we just __got home. I need to sit for a second" _she smells below her armpits and makes a funny face _"And apparently a shower too"_ she finishes.

Deeks shakes his head. He knows what she's doing _"And after the shower there's food and then there's some TV show you just HAVE to see and after that it's time for bed and you count on me having forgotten about it" _

"_Deeks" _Kensi warns. She knows she's the queen of deflecting but so is Deeks. But, unlike her, Deeks can be a pit-bull when he wants something. Sinking his teeth in deep and not letting go until it's resolved. And it's apparent he wants this, bad.

_"What? This apparently isn't as important of a discussion to you as it is to me"  
_

Deeks looks so forlorn when he speaks that she almost gives in, but she knows that she needs to gets her thoughts in order before they talk _"That's a low blow and you know it. I'm tired and sweaty, I just need a shower. You take care of the food and we can talk about it during dinner okay?"  
_

"_Fine"_ Deeks relents. Knowing that pushing her any further isn't going to help his cause.

She takes as long as she can in the shower, not because she wants to drag out the inevitable talk any longer than she needs to, but because she needs to figure out a way to tell him.  
They'd talked about having kids, little ninja assassins, but they never really talked about having them together.  
Deeks had joked about it over the years and as much as she wished it did, the thought of a ruggedly handsome, strong willed, little ninja with his blond hair and her trademark mismatched eyes didn't scare her as much as it used to.  
Her entire life she never really thought about having kids, she never really liked the idea of kids until she saw how good her partner was with them. So, when he asked her about kids about a year ago she'd told him that it was highly unlikely she'd ever get pregnant doing what she does for a living and she had really meant it at the time. She had seen how dark and gloom the world was becoming and she had no desire whatsoever to bring a child into that.  
But things change, Kensi had changed, Deeks and Kensi had changed together and suddenly the thought of little ninja's hadn't scared her half as much as it used to.

"_Kens, food's ready" _Deeks' voice shakes her out of her thoughts and she suddenly becomes aware of the eerily cold water she's been standing under for a little while.  
_  
_Turning of the shower head she steps out of the shower and quickly wraps herself in a towel _"I'll be out in a minute" s_he sighed. Kensi had hoped that the shower would have cleared the cobwebs that clouded her thoughts but apparently it had only managed to get her more nervous. Brushing her hands over the mirror, she looks at herself. _"Get it together Kens" _she internally berated herself before heading towards the bedroom.

* * *

"_Kens, what's wrong? You love my spaghetti and meatballs and you've barely touched it today" _Deeks asks. He had been looking at Kensi for a little while before he decided to speak up. She seemed extremely tense and that bothered him

Kensi looked at him apologetically _"Not that hungry I guess" _she admits, taking a tiny bite from her plate.

"_Is it bothering you THAT __much?" _Deeks suddenly asks, casting his eyes down, unable to look at her. He knew that having the talk wasn't going to be easy for them but he didn't know it was going to become such a sore topic.

A whirlwind of emotions coursed through Kensi's body. Joy, sadness, fear, a shiver of anger but mostly confusion _"What?" _she asks

_"That I want kids and you don't?"_ Deeks explains, eyeing her sadly.

The pang in her heart told her that she was the one who was causing him all this sadness, and she hated it _"No Deeks, No. That's not it. I promise" _she said, trying to comfort him.

Deeks was lost; he really didn't know what was going on in Kensi's mind. He had always pride himself on the fact that he was able to read her without any problem. Right now though, he had no idea where her head was at, and it bothered him to no extent _"Then what?" _he asked, a little more angered than he intended, his own frustration seeping through

_"I – "_she stuttered_, _clearly nervous _"I don't know how to start" _Kensi admitted.  
Her whole body tensed up, and she sighed deeply

He eyes her carefully, two big marbles shining back at him with uncertainty, one dark chocolate, the other light like chestnut_ "Start what?" _he asks  
_  
_Kensi sighs _"Are you sure you want it?" _she asks, lowering her head. But he puts his finger under her chin and makes her look him in the eyes_ "Kids I mean" _she bites her lower lip

_"Yes" _he says smiling, determination lacing his voice.  
_  
"And you're sure you want them with me? Kensi Blye, kid hater extraordinaire?"_She asks, surprised by the disappointment she feels if he said no.

"_You're not that person anymore" _he says calmly _"yes, with you"_

_"But how do you see us doing that?"_

"_What do you mean?"_He asks, carefully eyeing her as uncertainty fills her features. He puts his hands in front of him on the table, praying she'll do the same.

Kensi takes a couple minutes to put her thoughts in order before speaking _"You love your job, right?" _She finally asks, putting her own hands in front of her.

Deeks doesn't hesitate and reaches out _"Off course I do, but not as much as I love you" _he answers calmly, their hands now joined together on the table  
_  
"You plan on quitting and becoming a stay at home dad while mom runs around town chasing bad guys with a new partner?"_ she says. Her tone might be joking but Deeks knows she's serious, so he thinks long and hard before answering _"Uhm" _is all he manages to say before she continues _"Didn't think so. So how do you see it happening?"_

Eyeing his partner carefully he sighs, _"I didn't really think about it that far ahead yet. I just wanted to know if the notion of us having kids was in your thoughts eventually"_ he admits.

_"Once again I ask, how do you see it happening Deeks?" _she sighs tiredly, forgetting every other thought that previously occupies her mind.

Deeks eyes her, uncertainty etched on his features _"I don't know" _  
He takes a couple minutes to get his thoughts in order _"I mean, when __you get pregnant I'm pretty sure you'll be confined to a desk pretty much at least half of your pregnancy" _

_"They'll probably give me a new partner or let me tag along with Callen and Sam. You'll probably want to go back to work soon after giving birth and we'd probably share a partner? I don't know, like divide our time between baby and work or whatever?" _he finishes, his answer showing Kensi that he didn't really put any thought into it yet.

Kensi smiles timidly, _"You do realize our entire dynamic would change"_

He frowns, _"What do you mean?"_

_"We've been Kensi and Deeks, Deeks and Kensi for over five years now and a baby is going to change our whole lives. __We wouldn't be working together anymore, at least not nearly as much as we used to AND we won't be seeing each other as much as we do now__**. **__It's going to change everything, Deeks. EVERYTHING!" _She says, trying to get her point across.

_"But is that a reason not to have them?" _The softness of his voice surprises her and she takes a minute to ponder the question_ "I don't know, you tell me" _she eventually says

Deeks squeezes her hands, smiling up at her _"Things changing isn't necessarily a bad thing. I would be fine with us splitting our job if it meant you'd consider having kids with me"_ he tries to explain. He feels that they're on a crossroads in their relationship. Not that he would ever leave her but it would most definitely take a lot out of him if she'd told him she never wants kids. It would mean a lot of adapting on his part, and he would do it, because he loves her, but it wouldn't be easy. Deeks had always considered him becoming a dad in due time and if that would be taken away from him, it would be a blow he needed some time to recover from.

_"It wouldn't be easy. We would have less money; we'd have to move" _She looks at him, eyes challenging him.

_"Hold up. Move?" _Deeks finally manages to croak out. He looks around the kitchen and living room and has to swallow back the thought of leaving the house that has brought him so much joy.  
This is where they had spent so much time together, as friends, as partners, and finally as so much more. This is where he admitted their partnership was a love story, this is where they first made love, this is where he finally admitted to himself that Kensi Blye was the only woman he needed by his side for the rest of his life and this is where they started to build that life, together.

_"There's no way I'm raising a kid in a house without a backyard" _Kensi explains. Eyeing him wearily, hoping that her statement resonated.

She can see the wheels turning in his head, processing her words, before he speaks _"So you have thought about it" _he finally breathes out, smiling

_"I did"_

_"And?" _Deeks eyes lock with hers and he searches them expectantly

_"And I am" _Kensi answers, determination lacing her voice. She smiles when she sees the confusion on his face; sometimes it's so entertaining to see how little effort she has to put into flustering him.

_"Am what? Ready? Willing?" _he asks in disbelief. It's been a while since they've been talking in metaphors and he's a little rusty on the meaning of it all.

Kensi takes a beat, considering this the now or never moment, she puts on her biggest smile, squeezes his hands and breathes

"_No" _she finally says, heart beating loudly in her chest_ "Pregnant"_

* * *

**A/N Dun, dun, dun. How's THAT for a cliffhanger?  
Sorry guys I can't help it, this just happened to be the best point to end this chapter.  
You know what makes for happy writers right? Recognition? Correct! So, don't be afraid to put this story in your favorite/follow list or leave a review.**

**Thanks for reading and I'll be here next Sunday, how about you?**


	6. Chapter 6

**This is the longest chapter so far. I really wanted to capture reactions of every team member in this chapter because I felt that was important for the story. The one opinion you won't be hearing is that of Hetty, I purposefully left that out because it's going to be important down the line. Anyway, without further ado I give you (after a little recap) chapter 6. Enjoy!**

* * *

_She can see the wheels turning in his head, processing her words, before he speaks "So you have thought about it" he finally breathes out, smiling_

_"I did"_

_"And?" Deeks eyes lock with hers and he searches them expectantly_

_"And I am" Kensi answers, determination lacing her voice. She smiles when she sees the confusion on his face; sometimes it's so entertaining to see how little effort she has to put into flustering him._

_"Am what? Ready? Willing?" he asks in disbelief. It's been a while since they've been talking in metaphors and he's a little rusty on the meaning of it all._

_Kensi takes a beat, considering this the now or never moment, she puts on her biggest smile, squeezes his hands and breaths_

"_No" she finally says, heart beating loudly in her chest "Pregnant"_

* * *

**Life opens up opportunities to you,  
and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them  
-Jim Carrey**

He's been staring at her for over five minutes, frozen in his seat quietly processing her words. "_You're what?" _he finally asks, surprise evident in his voice.

Kensi smiles, a smile so bright he's sure she'll start glowing any second _"Pregnant Deeks, I'm pregnant" _she answers. When she first thought about having 'the' conversation with Deeks about their possible future kids she had no idea she'd become pregnant so easily. When she first held the positive pregnancy test in her hand she had internally laughed and considered it a mistake. But, after buying ten more, who also turned out to be positive she allowed her mind to track back her movements to see how this could have happened. Kensi had been on the pill since she was 15 and it had always worked perfectly fine. About three months ago she was shot during an op and even though the bullet only graced her Deeks had insisted to go to the hospital and have her get a round of antibiotics. She hadn't realized at the time that it would be that round of antibiotics that would render her birth control useless for the time being._  
_

_"But we've just been talking about the idea of it" _Deeks says flabbergasted. If her sudden 180 about wanting to have kids shocked him this news was considered to unleash a full blown tornado of emotions.

_"I know" _she admitted. When she finally had calmed down from the shock herself she'd figured she had to find a way to tell Deeks. But, how do you tell someone you're pregnant when you've been adamant about not having them for so long? To say she didn't have sleepless nights because of it would be a lie. She also knew that she didn't want to keep the news from him for that long. This was not something she wanted to go through alone.

Deeks sighs heavily, his eyes searching hers questioningly "You're_ really pregnant?" _he asked. Somehow the idea still hadn't registered with him. Kensi was pregnant, with his child. They where going to have a baby, they where going to be parents.

_"Yes I am" _Kensi answered proudly. It had taken her quite a little time to get used to the idea of having a tiny human living inside her uterus but when she finally allowed herself to dream she'd come to the conclusion that she was actually really happy about it. If there was one person she wanted to have kids with it was with her ridiculously good looking, funny and extremely compassionate partner. Her Deeks.

"When?_ How long have you? I mean how far along are you?" _Deeks looked at Kensi's stomach. He had absolutely no idea how far along she would be, but considering the fact she wasn't showing yet he'd figured it wouldn't be that long.

_"about 8 weeks" _she answered, having done the math herself. Her first thought finding out was to make an appointment with an OBGYN but she knew that would be something she wanted to do with Deeks. She wanted to share every part of this pregnancy with him and she'd knew he'd appreciate it

_"WHAT" _Deeks looked at Kensi shocked. She had been pregnant for almost two months and she hadn't told him sooner. Why not? Suddenly a lot of thoughts ran through his head. Hadn't she wanted to tell him because she wasn't planning on keeping it? Didn't she tell him because she wasn't sure he could be a good father?Neither of those options where considered to be acceptable excuses for him.

She knew she should have told him the minute she found out, but she had needed some time "I_ only found out last week myself. I was just as shocked as you are" _Kensi elaborates, hoping to put his mind at ease.

_"Why didn't you tell me" _He tries to keep the disappointment from his voice. For her it was only a week, for him it was seven whole days of not knowing they where going to be parents. Seven whole days wherein he could have gotten used to the idea of the life altering state of their relationship.

_"I was scared, scared you'd change your mind once we talked about having to change our whole world because of it" _she admits. Although she had consciously made the decision to wait she hadn't at the time considered how it would affect him. Seeing his crestfallen face now, she knows it wasn't her decision to make. She might be the one carrying the baby, but she's not the only one taking care of this baby in the long run.

_"We're having a baby?"_ she hears him ask again.

_"We're having a baby!"_Kensi confirms once more. Seeing the sheer joy wash over him upon finally realizing what the news means, she wills herself to relax.

"_So, now what? How do we move forward?" _he asks. If it was up to him they'd keep the news to themselves a little while longer but he knew it wasn't ONLY up to him. They have to start making decisions together now, for their future, for their family.

_"You sure you want this?" _her voice startled him from his clutter of thoughts.

He thinks about what she's asking for all of one second before answering with a resolute_"Absolutely"_ before adding_ "And you?"_

_"Yes I do" _she answers truthfully. A week ago she couldn't have answered this honestly if she wanted to. The doubt about all the changes this was going to bring clouding her judgement and making it hard to be happy. But now, a week later, having some time to think things over and actually visualize a future with a child she'd wholeheartedly knew this was what she wanted.

Deeks huffs out a breath he didn't know he was holding,"_Then I guess we'll need to figure out the logistics, tell Hetty first."_

_"Hmm, hmm" _she answers vaguely. She wants him to take the lead on this. she felt like she had taken something from him by not telling him the moment she found out and this is her way of trying to make up for it.

If he knows what she's doing he doesn't call her out on it. He just gets into logistics "_And then we'll like throw a party or something when the 3 month mark is up and we tell all the others?" _

Feeling relieve and happiness wash over her like a warm blanket she can't help but smile. For someone who first was shell shocked he was quickly adapting, something Kensi was extremely proud of.

_"Sounds like a plan. But what about my mom?" _Kensi asked, not really sure as to what to do with that. The relationship with her mother had been strained for years to say the least, until she finally re-entered her live a couple years ago during an dangerous op.  
_  
"What about her?" _Deeks asks. Ever since Julia re-entered Kensi's (and subsequently his) life things have been casual. They had their weekly diner dates, went shopping on occasion but nothing beyond that. Their relationship had been that of casual friends and Deeks didn't like it.

_"We tell her now? Wait until we had the party? Invite her to the party?" _Kensi elaborates. As much as she treasured the relationship she had managed to rebuild with her mother she really didn't know how to react in a situation like this. It was not something she had experienced before, and that scared her a little.

Deeks knew that as much as she would want him to make this decision for her this was something she needed to decide herself._ "Do you think she'd be mad if we waited to tell her with the others?" _he opted, hoping to trigger a response.

_"I don't know" _she answered, shrugging her shoulders casually. And that was the truth. She really didn't know HOW her mother was going to react either way.

_"What do you want to do?" _

The question startled her. When she first found out she was pregnant she knew she needed to tell Deeks first because there was no way she could justify not telling him. The second thought she had was about her mother. She might not have been acting like a daughter for over a decade but that didn't mean she wasn't one. Thinking about that life growing inside of her she knew that no matter WHAT relationship they ended up having she would want to know her child was expecting_,__"I guess I want to tell her."_

Deeks quirks his eyebrows_ "You guess?" _he questions.

_"I know" _she admits_ "I do, I want to tell her" _she repeats smiling. Kensi knows that she wouldn't be able to keep the news from her mother for that long even if she wanted to. It was going to be hard to stay mum at work but she just KNEW it was impossible to fool her mother, and on top of that she didn't want to. She wanted to share this with her mother, wanted the stories of her childhood but mostly she wanted to know what to expect and tips on how to deal with it. It would be a great way to bond even further.

* * *

"_Mom, can you sit down for a second. We need to tell you something" _They had been sitting in Julia's backyard for hours with Julia slaving away in the kitchen, never giving Kensi or Deeks any room to bring anything up. At first she had chastised them for their impromptu visit but then she had ushered them outside and told them they had just given her the best excuse ever to use her new oven. She had come back half an hour later with lemonade and the first dish to try, and had disappeared as quickly as she came. This went on for what felt like hours, other than the occasional_ "Yum" and "Delicious" _nothing shared between the three of them.

That one sentence rendered a response from Julia. Setting the latest dish down, she planted herself down on one of the seats across from them "_Oh lord what did Marty do this time?"_

Kensi smiled. She couldn't blame her mother for going there. From all of the talks they had casually, Deeks was usually the main topic_ "Uhm"_

Deeks was being uncharacteristically quiet, waiting for Kensi to tell her story. He had offered to come with her but drew the line by telling her mother. Deeks knew that Julia thought he was good for Kensi, she had told him as much the last time they talked, but knocking up her little girl, that was something else entirely. He would guess that the first thing she would do is chop his balls of and sell them on the black market, making sure it NEVER happened again.

"He_ asked you to marry him didn't he?"_ Julia suddenly says. Her whole face lit up_ "Oh Kensi, I'm so happy for you"_

Kensi sighed,_"No mom. He didn't." _For someone who pride herself on being so perceptive she wasn't doing such a good job. If she'd just taken the time to sit down and eat with them she'd realized that over half of the things she'd bring out Kensi hadn't touched. Not because she didn't want to, god how she CRAVED some clam chowder and a mozzarella sandwich, but because she COULDN'T eat them anymore if she wanted a healthy baby.

"_Wait? What? He didn't?"_Julia asked, face shocked. Her eyes darted from Kensi to Deeks _"Marty, you keep surprising me. Why haven't you asked Kensi to marry you?"_

_"MOM!" _Kensi sputtered, almost choking on a piece of cucumber. Her face turned as red as a tomato, and she had to look away to contain the fit of giggles that threatened to erupt upon seeing Deeks' face

Julia wasn't about to let her daughter of the hook that easil_y,"Kensi come on, from what I've been told you guys have been inseparable for the past five years. And maybe you weren't really __together for most of those but you both got your act together now, haven't you? So what's the hold up?" _

Kensi sighed,"_Mom, can you please stop talking for one __second and sit down. You spend way __too much time with Deeks; you start to ramble just like him" _  
She had enough rambling to deal with on a daily basis, and she wasn't in the mood for more.

"_I don't mind spending time with Marty Kensi, you know that" _Julia started but upon seeing her daughters -not so- amused face she sobered _"I don't ramble"_

_"Yes, you do. But that's beside the point" _Kensi countered. Upon hearing the tone of her voice Deeks put a hand on Kensi's shoulder to ground her. This was supposed to be a fun visit, to share something special between family. Deeks wasn't about to let it get turned into something else.

"_What exactly is __the point of this impromptu visit if it's not to announce you're getting married" _Julia asked, her own annoyance now clear in her voice.

_"We just wondered something" _Deeks said, taking over the lead before things got out of hand.

_"What?" _Julia asked, the calmness returning in her voice.

Deeks swallows, he hadn't really thought this would be something he'd have to break to his mother in law. He didn't really have a plan, so he said the first thing that came to mind_ "Have you seen any storks lately?"_

_"What? What kind of IDIOTIC question is that?" _Julia raised an eyebrow, looking questioningly from Deeks to her daughter. Kensi stifled back a laugh, if she didn't know where this conversation was going she'd for sure be lost herself

_"Just tell us, have you?" _Deeks asked again, trying to keep the seriousness in his tone.

He saw the flicker of understanding before they heard the_ "O-H M-Y G-O-D." _Julia all but screamed, eyes wide, realization written clear over her face  
_  
"I think it landed" _Kensi whispered smilingly. Her breath tickling his ears, making him shutter.

_"You're pregnant" _Julia all but screamed, excitement clear in every syllable.

_"Oh, it most definitely landed" _Deeks laughed, kissing Kensi on the cheek before getting lost in a bear hug between Kensi and her mother.

* * *

"_How on earth are we going to tell the guys?" _Deeks asks one night while they're laying in bed. They had a long excruciating day at work and he had been worried about her pretty much round the clock. He wanted to shelter her from the bullets, keep her from bumping into things, even have her relent on giving him the keys to the car, but he didn't know how he was going to justify all of this to the rest of the team. He had wanted to tell them for a little while now but ever time they came close he'd imagine their faces, mad as hell "_On second thought maybe we shouldn't. I mean, I'm pretty sure they'll either kill or castrate me to make sure I can't make any more"_

Kensi laughed,_"Drama Queen". _She knew that it was going to be hard for Callen and Sam to accept that she wasn't some little girl that needed protection anymore, and if she did she had Deeks now to take care of that and things had been that way for years now.

"_Kens, have you forgotten how they reacted when we first told them we were dating? They practically killed me with their looks" _Deeks says, recalling that conversation with a shutter.

_"They were just a little overprotective. I'm like their little sister. I'm sure that they'll be happy for us" _Kensi laughed, turning to face Deeks. If she was being honest she'd practically KNEW they'd be happy for her. Ever since Sam came up to her last month asking her if she wouldn't mind babysitting his daughter again because she'd loved it so much last time. Kensi knew it was going to be great when she saw his eyes lid up when she told him she'd love to. But, sometimes it was so tempting to just play with Deeks a little.

Deeks swallowed_,_"_I'm not so sure."_

_"We've been together for years Deeks. It's not like we had a one night stand and you knocked me up" _Kensi smiled warmly, proud of the relationship she had managed to build with Deeks. After everything they'd been through, she thinks back to that first time they crossed that line. How different things would've been if she'd become pregnant then, if she hadn't been shipped to Afghanistan for some bogus classified mission to shoot/save/spare, whatever the hell they told her it was, her ex fiancee.

_"That might have been better. I could say it was an accident and I had nothing to do with it"_

Kensi's hysterical laugh echoed through the room_ "Your sperm magically made its way into my uterus and made a baby? Yeah, they'll be MUCH less mad about that" _she said sarcastically

Deeks scrunched his nose "_If you say it like that"_

_"YOU said it like that" _she countered.

_"Touché Kenselina, touché" _Deeks said, smiling. He figured that he'd just have to suck up whatever punishment the boys would be dishing out on him, because as much as this might not have been planned, it was surely wanted and he would do ANYTHING to make sure Kensi knew that.

* * *

When they sat down at their favorite little restaurant for a get together with friends a couple days later, the jitters came back in full force. Kensi's hand reached out to his on instinct and he squeezed it for reassurance.

"_Thanks for inviting us, guys. It's been a long time since we've hung out together outside of work" _Eric's voice filled the quiet restaurant, quickly followed by Nell's

_"We should do this more often" _she added, giving Kensi a friendly hug while clapping Deeks on the shoulder.  
_  
"Deal" _Sam's voice came from behind one of the waiters and before he could settle down Callen came rushing in, worriedly looking at Kensi _"Kens are you okay? You look like you haven't slept in days"_

_"Hello to you too, is that your nice way of telling me I look like crap?"_Kensi said, frustration clear in her voice. She had been dealing with her mother for days. Days of pampering, because according to her mother she looked like she was about to jump of a cliff and not come back up. Dramatic much?

_"I wouldn't say it like that but you've looked better. Are you sick?" _Callen clarified, casting his worrying eyes upon her once more.

"_Sick? No, not really" _Kensi answered truthfully, trying to keep her frustrating tone out of her voice. She wasn't about to get into a fight with Callen over something as insignificant as not looking all that great.

"_Kensi, what's wrong?"_ Nell cuts in, adapting the worried tone of Callen.

Kensi pushed out a strangled breath through closed lips_ "Nothing" _she says, pinching her nose, feeling a headache coming up.

_"We all know that nothing means everything in your vocabulary" _Nell answers, but quickly looks away when Kensi's agitated look penetrates through her

Kensi locks eyes with Deeks, reaching for support. He squeezes her hand in recognition _"Let's eat, I'm starving" _he opts, giving a fake growl of his stomach for good measure. "_What do you want to order Kens?" _he asked, already knowing what her answer was going to be.

_"I will have the lamb chops with baby carrots and tiny potatoes"_ They had talked about how they where going to bring the news to their friends and Kensi had hoped that the conversation with Callen didn't steer him in another direction, she was extremely grateful it didn't

_"You never eat baby carrots" _Nell cuts in, having found back her braveness. She knew that her friend wasn't really mad at her for agreeing with Callen but she still managed to look somewhat guilty.

_"I love baby carrots" _Kensi says overly cheery, mischievous eyes locking with Deeks. They had a bet going on who would figure things out first, Deeks had opted for their team captain because according to Deeks you could NEVER put anything past Callen but Kensi had put her money on Nell, her friend always knowing what she was thinking before she even thought it herself. When she looked around the table, seeing the scrunched up faces of Callen and Sam alongside Eric she knew she was close to winning.

_"Since when?" _Nell asked, amusement in her voice. Her eyes twinkled and Kensi knew she putting two and two together

Kensi deliberately stayed quiet for a little while. She wanted to commemorate the look of each of their faces when she uttered the next words "_Since about 13 weeks"_

_"What?"_Sam was the first to break the silence, looking at Kensi questioningly

"_KENSI MARY BLYE, are you saying what you think I'm saying?" _Nell's voice came booming through the restaurant.

Kensi smiled, eyes twinkling,_"Yes."_

"_What? Am I missing something?" _Eric asked. Deeks looked at him sympathetically but didn't say a word. He was too busy gawking Callen and Sam's reaction. But the boys gave him absolutely nothing to work with. He could see Nell whispering something in Eric's ear, and then realization dawned on him, evident in his eyes.

"_Congratulations guys, we're so happy for you" _Callen eventually says, the only one who hadn't said anything during this little ordeal.

Deeks locks his eyes with him_ "You are?" _he asks, shocked.

_"Off course we are. We had bets on how long it would take to either have a marriage proposal or a pregnancy" _Sam chimed in,_ " I think Nell won" _he said, sticking his tongue out to her teasingly.

"_Oh my god, seriously?" _Kensi couldn't believe they had a bet going on this. She knew that she and Deeks where the topic of most of their bets and jokes but she didn't know it was THAT bad.

_"You where nervous weren't you Deeks?" _Callen asks amused, bumping his shoulder with Sam, pointing towards their joined hands.

_"No" _Deeks lies, jerking his hand away from Kensi's. It's one thing to SAY you're nervous and it's another thing to let others know you ARE.

_"Yes. You have no idea. He thought you'd kill him" _Kensi smiles, clapping him on the shoulder casually.

_"Come on guys, you aren't anything new. You've been together for a long time now and I know you're good for Kensi, you've proven that time and time again._  
_You two belong together" _their team captain said, clearly meaning every word.

It startled Deeks, if there was one person he'd expect problems from it was Callen but he seemed to be just as supportive as the rest of them_ "Thank you guys that means a lot"_

* * *

"_You think we're ready for this, Deeks?__" _Kensi asks later that night, feet propped up on his legs, lazily chewing on a piece of chocolate.

Deeks takes one of Kensi's feet and starts rubbing it "_I don't think you can ever BE completely ready for something as life altering as this. All we can do is prepare the best way we can for this little creature, and that we can do. I believe in us__" _he admits.

_"And that's how I know that everything will be okay. As long as I have you by my side, I can handle anything" _Kensi says seriously, pushing herself up a little so that she can ruffle his hair.

Deeks smiles _"You"_ he says_ "Me"_ he points to himself, smiling wider "And_ baby makes three" _he finishes, kissing Kensi's still flat stomach.

Kensi sighed from relief, although the responses of the team had put their mind at ease a little, they where still a little scared about the future. This baby was a blessing in disguise, something they didn't know they wanted THAT bad until they got it. They knew that eventually all they could do was prepare for it the best away they could. There where still a lot of things uncertain in their future but there was one thing they knew without a single doubt in their minds. They where going to do anything in their power to be a family. To keep this a family, safe, and happy, for the rest of their lives.

* * *

**A/N: I was really happy with the responses I got last chapter. The majority of you didn't know it was going to go the route it did when the 'conversation' first started and I love that. I am a person who likes to give you something you don't exactly expect or see coming from a mile away. On that note I want to warn you guys once again that this story is NOT going where you might have figured I would take it. It may seem like it now but this story still isn't a 'happy romantic' story, it's hard, it's heavy, it's emotionally draining (for me to write anyway since I've written quite a bit ahead and know where I want to take this). My main goal at the end of the day is that when you finish this story you say to yourself 'wow, this was not what I expected when I first started this story'.  
**

**See you all next week?**


	7. Chapter 7

**First of all, I apologize for the slight delay in uploading this chapter. My laptop crashed before I had the chance to finish it. This chapter had been sitting on my computer for a couple days, waiting for its finishing touches, but my laptop decided to crash before I could upload. Anyway, it's only a day late so I hope you guys can forgive me. Without further chitchat I give you chapter 7. Enjoy!**

* * *

**I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.  
The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.  
-Nelson Mandela**

She's twenty weeks pregnant when Hetty finally puts her foot down demanding desk duty. Under loud protest she says goodbye to the boys when they go on their first case without her. Deeks is a little uneasy tagging along with Callen and Sam but he's happy Hetty didn't make him get a new partner. Yet.  
They've decided on picking a new partner together and splitting their work time once the baby is born.

It takes a little time for both of them to readjust to the new circumstances. They have been working together for more than seven years now and it's weird not spending every waking moment together.  
Fortunately they keep each other in the loop with lots of texts back and forth. So, when one day it takes Deeks a little too long to reply for Kensi's liking she's quick to call him. When he doesn't pick up, her worry becomes more prominent. Before she knows it the entire osp center is in turmoil because she demands to speak to Deeks. After forty five minutes of still no contact she begins to really panic and when she sees Callen come into the bullpen without Sam OR Deeks she stalks towards him _"What the HELL is going on Callen?" _she demands, hands on her ever expanding belly.

Callen glances towards Hetty's office and sighs "_Nothing to worry about"_

Kensi raises an eyebrow. She knows that tone, she knows that look. Something is most definitely going on here and she'll be damned if she didn't find out what it is, right this instant "_Don't you dare tell me not to worry. I've been trying to call Deeks for hours and can't seem to reach him. Now here you are, WITHOUT Sam OR Deeks and you tell me not to worry. Tell me Callen. NOW!"_

"_Kensi, I need you to stay calm. You're pregnant" _Callen answers calmly. Too calmly for her liking. If there's one thing he should know by now it's that you do NOT tell a pregnant woman to calm down, especially not one called Kensi Blye.

"_I know I'm pregnant Idiot" _she spits venomously, pointing towards her belly. She's getting more agitated by the minute and she feels a major headache coming on already.

Callen recoils and even manages to look a little scared, before he finds his footing again "_Kens, calm down" _he says again, reaching out to touch her hands

Kensi takes another step forwards, practically bumping into him with her belly "_I am NOT calming down until you tell me where Deeks is"  
_she says, voice low, threatening. She's tired, she's cranky, she sick with worry and on top of that the little peanut has been kicking like CRAZY for the past twenty minutes or so, making her feel extremely uncomfortable. All in all, NOW was not a good time to go against the likes of Kensi Blye.

"_Kens –" _Callen tried again, but doesn't get very far before Kensi cuts him off with a loud shout of his name "_CALLEN!"_

She's practically fuming, steam coming out of her ears, ready for another round of verbal abuse when she hears a voice come from behind her "_We don't know where Mr. Deeks is, Ms. Blye."_

Whipping her head around she's met with something that makes her stomach turn. Hetty is looking at her with so much hurt and pain that she briefly wonders if this is Hetty's roundabout way of telling her Deeks died. But, as quickly as that thought came, she files it away. Hetty doesn't do roundabouts, she ALWAYS tells it like it is, good or bad. For once she's glad for that "_What do you mean; we don't know where he is?"_

"_We lost contact" _Hetty explains, quietly guiding Kensi into her office, away from the prying eyes of the group of spectators that seemed to have heard the commotion.

Hetty points to a chair but Kensi refuses to sit "_How the hell can you lose contact between the three of you? And where is Sam or don't you know that either?" _she spits, her anger quickly reaching its boiling point.

"_Sam has stayed behind at the crime scene, trying to figure out what happened" _Callen's voice is quiet, timid even. He's looking anywhere but at Kensi. This is the part of the job he hates, the uncertainty, the not knowing. He can only imagine what Kensi must be feeling right now, pregnant and alone, not knowing what happened or where her partner is.

"_What happened Callen?" _Kensi asks quietly after a minute, her anger slowly morphing into worry.

Callen swallows, this is the part where he needs to be careful. They might not know where Deeks is but they DO know he's alive, or at least he HOPES they know. Right now he's not really sure of anything other than that Deeks has gone missing "_We don't really know" _he admits, lowering his head in shame.

"_What DO you know Mr. Callen?" _ Hetty cuts in before Kensi loses it. She feels her whole body shivering and the only other thing she feels is a hand that pushes her down on a chair, handing her a glass of water.

The voices she hears are muffled, like they're a mile away, and she has to strain to hear what they are saying. "_We rolled up at the crime scene and found multiple bodies. Sam and I stayed with one body trying to determine what happened. I asked Deeks to check the rest of the house and I haven't seen him since" _  
Callen said, backtracking their movements since this morning.

"_So he's still at the house?" _Hetty asks, but from her tone Kensi knows she finds that highly unlikely.

Callen sighs "We _thought he was but after a while we didn't hear or see anything so Sam went to go check it out,"_ he answers, doubt laced in every word "_We searched the entire house top to bottom but there was no sign of Deeks"_

Kensi replays everything in her head, trying to figure out what might have happened. Deep down she knows he's okay, she FEELS he's okay. He might not be with them right now and she has no way to prove it but she just KNOWS he's okay. He has to be "_Any signs of a struggle?" _she asks, eyes focused on Callen

"_Kensi" _Callen says and she suddenly hears the lingering doubt and tiredness in his voice

"_Callen, any signs of a struggle?" _she asks, determination lacing her voice. She's trying her hardest to keep it together, to NOT lose it, not HERE, NOT at work, not when she doesn't actually know there IS anything to freak out over.

But the next words out of his mouth make her double over from shock "_We found his badge and some blood spatters by the back door"_

She suddenly clutches her belly, the baby whom just a minute ago was still kicking up a storm has suddenly gone quiet and she wonders if that's the irony of the situation. If it's because baby knows there's something wrong and it's trying it's hardest to not make things any harder than they need to be "_O my god" _she manages to choke out. And then the floodgates open, the tears she so bravely had been holding in for the past half hour streaming down her face in rapid pace.

"_Please don't think the worst. Deeks is a great cop; he knows how to get out of tough spots. I'm sure he's fine" _Callen tries to reassure her, placing a hand on her shoulder and wiping away some of the tears that are staining her face.

"_You don't know that" _she sniffles, still clutching her belly with both of her hands _"He can be dead for all we know" _

"_I do know that Kensi"_ Callen says determinedly, "_I know Deeks. He's going to do anything in his power to get back to you" _he continues _"and the little nugget" _he finally adds, putting a hand on top of Kensi's stomach.

It's quiet when she suddenly whips her head up, looking towards Hetty and Callen who are quietly conversing in the far end of the office, she clears her throat, manages to find her bearing again "_What now?" _she asks.

"_I go back to the crime scene, but I need you to realize you are not the only one demanding updates. I can't be worrying about you freaking out on me when there's no news for a little while. I will keep Eric and Nell in the loop and they will brief you. Deal?"_

She knows it's Callen in detective mode trying to distance himself from the situation but that doesn't make the words hurt any less. She wants to tell him that, she wants to shout, kick, scream, that it's DEEKS for god's sake. A part of their team that's gone missing. A friend. a partner. a lover, he's talking about.  
Instead she just quietly nods her head and whispers "_Yes" _

She sees his retreating figure and determinedly shouts his name before he gets a chance to round the corner. He whips his head back in her direction, eyes tired and questioning _"Please bring him back in one piece"_

"_I'm not leaving until we've found him Kensi, I promise__" _he says determined. He had learned a long time ago that no man, dead or alive, get's left behind. In this case he would much prefer it if they found Deeks alive, not just for his sake, or the sake of the team, but for the sake of that beautiful woman in front of him clasped with her hands around her prominent belly and the little nugget inside of it. Nobody deserves to grow up without a father, and NO ONE especially not Kensi deserves to have to do this alone.

Kensi gives him a weak smile "_Don't promise something you don't know you can keep" _she whimpers, fresh tears streaming down her face.

"_This is one promise I tend to keep Kensi" _he says, before quickly making his way out of ops, back to the crime scene, back to the questions, that will hopefully lead to answers, and Deeks.

* * *

His head throbs, his hands itch and his eyes burn. Slowly trying to open them he squints around the room. He's not sure where he is or how he came here but there's one thing he knows for sure. He's tied up in a wheelchair and he's been injected with something that makes him feel extremely loopy.

Looking around the room more accurately he can determined he's in some sort of warehouse and he's definitely not alone. At the front of the room are two very burly looking men guarding the entrance, they seem to be loaded with heavy firearms. Deeks wrecks his brain thinking where he left his own gun. Wiggling left and right in the wheelchair he feels something hard on his right hip, relieved that for some reason his kidnappers didn't take his gun. A sudden buzzing in his left pocket startles him. He quickly realizes it's probably Kensi calling or texting him. He doesn't know how much time has passed but he's sure it's been more than enough time for people to start worrying and for Kensi to start freaking out. Feeling extremely guilty for not being able to reply, the thought of the team looking for him brings him some solace.

"_I see you're awake Mr. Gentry" _a tiny man with a long grey beard stops in front of him. Deeks sighs, he should've known that alias was going to come back and bite him in the ass one day. He had never been fond of the roll of Mr. Gentry, feeling like it was the easiest alias to lose himself in. Ever since Kensi and he became official he had promised to abandon the alias of Max and as far as the thugs where concerned Max Gentry was killed in a cafe shootout. Apparently the tiny man had recognized him at the crime scene and decided to take him out.

"_You seem very much alive for a dead guy Max" _the other guy, about two inches taller than the little one, said. Both men where now standing eerily close to him and Deeks quickly wondered what they where going to do to him "_Being dead is overrated" _he chuckled sarcastically

"_You should know"_

"_So, tell me, what am I doing here?" _Deeks asked. Both men had called him by his alias of Max Gentry so he had to assume his cover was still intact and the thugs hadn't found out he was a cop. 1 - 0 for him, he quickly thought.

"_Just wanted to know what you were doing at my crime scene buddy. I mean, it sounds like the beginning of a bad joke. Dead guy walks into a crime scene" _

Deeks let out a tiny sigh of relieve, but quickly covered it up with a cough. He needed to keep it together, slip into the alias of Max, coming up with a credible story to feed them "_I needed a place to crash"_ he says steadily "_I've been living on the streets ever since I 'died' and that particular house looked abandoned but extremely cozy" _Deeks answered_"You should've put a sign on the door saying occupied by the dead"_

"_That wouldn't have scared you away, being dead and all" _One of the guys answered, bending forward, practically spitting the words in his face.

"_Touché" _

A loud rumble echoed through the warehouse "_Fancy word for a sketchy guy" _the other guy laughed, clapping him lightly on the shoulder.  
For two bad guys they where giving him too much leeway for his liking to say what he wanted.

"_I read Wikipedia sometimes"_ Deeks answered_ "But, you still haven't told me what I'm actually doing here. Tied up in a wheelchair" _

"_I'm not sure that's something you should worry about. You should worry more about the fact if we're going to let you live or not. You're dead to the rest of the world which means that nobody will miss you when we actually DO kill you" _

There you go, that's more of the threatening lingo he's grown accustom to from bad guys.  
"_But why would you do that? I haven't done anything to you, have I?" _Deeks raised an eyebrow, looking from one guy to the other. He was wracking his brain trying to come up with a reason for these two guys to kidnap him. It's not like he knew them or anything

"_You really don't remember me do you?" _Or maybe he did? He really didn't recognize their faces but then again Deeks had seen many faces in his time as an (undercover) cop that it was hard to remember them all "_Should I?" _he asked eventually, still drawing a blank.

"_December 12__th__, 1996. Long Island beach house 312" _Both men said in unison, apparently that startled them which gave Deeks a little time to recall the date.

Ah, now it all made sense. December 12th 1996 was the day the cops busted down his Long Island beach house and arrested ten guys for selling and distributing illegal drugs and weapons. At the time of the bust there was a weapon deal going down and Max Gentry was still a kid player in the whole game. One of the guys had shoved the gun into his hands, hoping to avoid jail time "_I had nothing to do with that" _Deeks lied. In all honesty he had anything to do with it, OBVIOUSLY"_They all say that but YOU where the one holding the gun and I was the one who got locked up for TWELVE freaking years"_

"_That wasn't my fault" _he lied, again. He was the main reason the guys had ALL been locked away.

"_How did you get away Scot free?" _the tiny man asked, genuinely curious.

Deeks didn't answer immediately, and that only made the men more suspicious, he had to come up with something quick "_I didn't. They gave me three years probation and I had to wear an ankle bracelet for the entire time" _he lied, internally berating himself for coming up with such a ludicrous lie.

"_That's minor compared to the time we did" _The other man, who Deeks had finally learned was called Theo, said.

"_I don't know why they sentenced you like that" _Deeks answered honestly. At the time he had thought twelve years was a little excessive for a gun deal that didn't even make it all the way through. Especially when a similar deal had given his lifelong best friend, Ray, probation and a job as a snitch.

"_Bullshit" _Theo spat, slapping Deeks hard across the face, making him recoil.

"_No it's not. I really don't know" _Deeks said, spitting out the blood that had accumulated in his mouth.

"_BULLSHIT, Mr. Gentry, I know your little secret" _Deeks looked up with worried eyes, did they really just play him just now? Had they had known he was a cop all this time? _"You're girlfriend, Samantha, was a freaking COP. She cut you a fucking deal!" _The tiny man shouted, lowering his hands to Deek's belt, rummaging at the back to get to the gun they apparently knew he held there.

"_Ex girlfriend" _Deeks said sarcastically, desperately trying to stay in character but finding it harder each passing minute.

"_There's no Samantha to safe you this time. You're going to die" _

Deeks closed his eyes, taking a deep breath "_Can't we talk about this?"_

A sarcastic chuckle escaped Theo. Handing the gun to his partner he said"_No_"

If Deeks didn't know any better he would've swore he saw a little bit of guilt and desperation in the other man's eyes

_ "Shoot him Greg"_ Theo demanded "_Now"_

Deeks closes his eyes again, feeling the barrel of the gun against his temple. His whole life flashes before his eyes and he feels the moisture dribble down his cheeks, realizing he's crying. He's never going to see his child being born, he's never going to see him or her grow up, see Kensi be the great mother he knows she can be and he's never going to marry the love of his life, but most importantly he's never going to be able to hold her one last time telling her that the last seven years have been the best of his entire life.

_"Please don't do this. We can talk about this" _Deeks pleads one last time, focusing his attention on Greg. That seems to be the one with the conscious, if he can call it that. He knows that he's screwed, he's tied up with both hands and feet and they're pointing his own gun at him. There's absolutely nothing left for him to do than to beg.

"_No" _he hears one last time. And then, just when he's about to surrender to his fate, all hell breaks loose. The warehouse gets breached with people from left to right and he hears gunshots from far away and feels men running past him.  
He doesn't dare open his eyes until he feels a hand on his shoulder. His eyes trail upwards and he's met with the concerned eyes of Sam Hanna "_Are you okay?" _he asks.

Looking down, he realizes there's no bullet wound on him, and he's not in any kind of pain. "_I think so" _he answers.

"_Let's get you to the hospital just to be sure" _Callen's voice comes from behind him, two hands helping helping him up and out of the confinement of the wheelchair.

He wiggles on his feet a couple times, gives himself a quick once over and then focuses his attention back on his rescuers "_If it's all the same to you __I much rather go back to OSP and give my girlfriend and unborn child the biggest hug you can imagine"_

"_No problem buddy, no problem" _Sam says, clapping Deeks on the shoulder _"She'll be so happy to see you Deeks" _

* * *

_**A/N Wow that was a hard chapter to write. I know I've said that this story would have his rough patches and I have mapped most of the story out but that doesn't mean it's not hard to write at times. It's one thing to write them fighting with each other, but outside forces tearing them apart is a whole other ballgame. And, since we're on the topic anyway. Let me just say something that will hopefully ease your worried minds a little.  
I KNOW I've said (and keep repeating) that this story isn't a happy romantic one, I just want to say this story IS Densi, its endgame IS Densi. I'm not going to change that. They're going to be together for the remainder of this story, that's something I promise. What I can't and won't promise is that it's going to be all smooth sailing, but I'm pretty sure you guys have figured that out by now ;-)**_

**_I'm really proud as to how this chapter turned out and I'd love to hear your thoughts as well. If it's not too much trouble I would kindly ask you to review as well as favorite/follow this story. It's great knowing the story is getting so much attention with follows and favorites but it's a whole different kind of motivation when I actually HEAR (well, read) what you guys think of it._**

_**See you all here next week? Same site, different chapter.**_

_**XoXo**_


	8. Chapter 8

**First off I'd like to apologize for not updating on time. But once again things where out of my hands. My laptop crashed for the second time in two weeks and this time there was absolutely nothing they could do to fix it. Which meant that I had to buy a new laptop and re-write the chapter from scratch and that takes time. Especially this chapter (You'll find out why at the A/N at the end) Anyway, here it is. Only a day late, so I still think I managed to do quite okay. Hopefully you guys still stick with me through the rest of this story. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**In every shadow there is light  
In every tear, a smile**  
**In death I know there still is life, that lingers for a while**  
**\- Author Unknown**

Kensi's 28 weeks pregnant when the world comes crashing down around her, quite literally.

She had been enjoying her day off ,going for some well deserved retail therapy with Nell, and things couldn't have been going any better. Or so Kensi thought. When they finally settled down in a quiet cafe, feet aching, stomach growling, she relaxes and puts a hand on her ever growing stomach. With a frown she realizes that she hasn't felt the baby kick today, not once. She doesn't want to worry about it too much, since she's been busy for most of the day. It's not like it hadn't happened before either. There had been a couple instances in the previous weeks where she didn't feel any movement during the day but as soon as she settled down and relaxed the baby would start kicking up a storm, making up for lost time. Maybe this was one of those times. Her midwife told her it was normal with a first child. Somehow, in the back of her mind, Kensi felt this time was different.

Looking at Nell, who is standing in line for their hot cocoas, she makes a mental note to pay a little more attention to it for the rest of the day.

When she comes home that night, after still not having felt any movement, she's quick to grab her laptop and Google 'what does it mean when I don't feel my baby kick?'There where a couple of websites that gave her tips on how to get the baby to move and she tried them all. She ate chocolate, _lots _of chocolate, she pushed the baby around with her hands, she even started doing weird exercises but nothing seemed to work. The more time passed, the more nervous she got. Deep down she knows this is wrong, that it's not supposed to be _this _long before she feels _any _movement, and that there's quite possibly something wrong.

But, she also hears the voices of her friends _"Worrying about this now THAT'S not good for the baby", _her mother,_" You didn't even start moving at ALL before 30 weeks_" and the voice of her midwife _"It's perfectly normal to not feel the baby all the time" _in the back of her mind. So, she tries to push the awful thoughts out of her head and wills herself to relax.

* * *

When Deeks finally comes home a little after 9 PM she's on the couch with a giant tub of rocky road, watching reruns of 'hoarders' on TLC, trying everything in her power to not focus on the ever growing unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach.

_"Hi babe, everything okay?"_ he asks, kissing her soundly on the lips. His hands find their way to her stomach _"How's the little nugget?"_

Kensi sighs, no, everything is _not _okay, she can feel it. _"Good"_ she says instead.  
_"We're both good"_

Deeks raises an eyebrow _"And now tell me how you REALLY are" _he says, seeing right through her.

There's not much she can do or say that won't make him equally as worried, if not more, and she doesn't want that. She wants Deeks to be able to enjoy this pregnancy. To have the joy of becoming a father more than having to worry about all the things a pregnancy does to a woman. _"It's just been one of those days you know" _she offers _"I haven't felt peanut kick in a little while". _She knows that's an understatement, because if she was completely honest she hadn't felt any movement in over twenty four hours. The last kick being somewhere around yesterday afternoon.

_"Maybe its just enjoying a well deserved nap. Baby's sleep a lot you know. Or at least that's what I've read, and maybe its just really soothing inside mom's belly" _Deeks says, quietly placing a hand on her stomach. He gives her a kiss on the cheek _"I'm sure peanut will be keeping you awake in no time, so enjoy it while you can"_

She knows he's just trying to make her feel better, but the more he talks, the more anxious she gets. That stupid feeling in the pit of her stomach just won't go away _"Yeah, you're probably right," _Kensi sighs before settling her head against his shoulder _"I should get some rest too" _she says. It wouldn't hurt to just close her eyes for a little while.

* * *

It's dark when she eventually wakes, feeling something beside her stir. She blinks a couple times, adjusting her eyes to the dark. When she regains full consciousness she realizes she's on the couch and she had fallen asleep in Deeks' arms. Turning her head around slowly she focuses her eyes on the clock. 3.35 AM. Looking back at Deeks she can see him sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the ever growing turmoil that had formed itself as a dark cloud in her mind. Taking a couple breaths to slow her raging heart she oh so slowly wiggles herself out of his embrace and stands up. Tiptoeing into the bathroom she settles herself inside the empty cold ceramic bathtub.

Hours seem to pass with her sitting there. Her hands on her belly, trying to coax _any _kind of movement out of the little peanut. But still, nothing comes. She's into her third round of weird exercises when reality catches up with her and she finally realizes what she's doing. Something inside her seem to click and she can't stop the giant scream and sob that escape her throat, not long after that the tears come.

Deeks startles awake from an unbearable sound what seems to be coming from inside the house and is on his feet within seconds. He looks around the room a little disoriented but quickly realizes Kensi isn't beside him and the sound is coming from the bathroom . He runs as fast as his feet will take him. Without any warning or hesitation he kicks open the door. The sight before him not only startles him, it frightens him, and he knows, without her even having to talk, there's something _terribly _wrong.

She's not sure what happens next. In a split second she feels strong arms pull her up and in the back of her mind she seems to be hearing a voice _"What's wrong Kens, tell me what's wrong"_. Listening to the voice more clearly she understands it's Deeks _"Are you in pain?" _she hears him ask. Unable to speak she just shakes her head, letting him know that no, she's not in any pain, not physically anyway.

"_Did you fall?"_ Deeks asks, looking everywhere for bruises or signs of discomfort. All Kensi seems to be able to do is shake her head.

She didn't fall. She's in no pain. That's good. Right? Deeks thinks. Then why is she still crying? And where did that terrible sound come from?

"_Tell me what's wrong Kensi. Do I need to call a doctor?"_ Deeks shakes his head _"No, I'm GOING to call the doctor" _he corrects himself , hurriedly pulling his cell phone from his pocket, dialing 911.

As much as she tries to, she can't seem to follow the conversation going on between Deeks and the person on the other end of the line. So, when he hangs up the phone, she does the only thing she knows to do _"Deeks" _she brokenly whispers.

"_The midwife is going to be here shortly" _Deeks answers, pulling her into a tight embrace _"It's okay, you're okay" _he says.

Kensi can hear the uncertainty in his voice and that scares her more than anything. She cries a little harder. She might be okay, but she's pretty sure the baby she's carrying is NOT.

* * *

Things quickly take a turn for the worse when the midwife comes and can't find a heartbeat. The woman is calm, eerily calm, but friendly enough trying to reassure them that it doesn't have to mean there's something wrong but Kensi knows better than that. The midwife proposes to ride to the clinic where they can do a extensive ultrasound to put their minds at ease. Still unable to speak it's Deeks who agrees and quietly figures out the logistics while sneaking a peek at Kensi every two seconds.

She's trying her hardest to stay calm, to regulate her breathing, but she can almost _feel _the panic attack that's bubbling to the surface. This was everything she worried about when she found out she was pregnant. She had hoped that as long as she did everything according to the books, nothing would go wrong, that God would see that she could learn to be a good mother, even though she never wanted to be one for the longest time. Apparently she was wrong.

The ride to the clinic is rooted in silence. Kensi's mind is running a mile a minute, unable to process everything that's happening. Deeks is driving, and he's trying his best to not panic himself, Kensi's hand tightly gripped in his, resting on the console.

_"Deeks" _Kensi suddenly says, red rimmed eyes locked on his _"I'm scared" _

Deeks has half a mind to pull the car to the side of the road before locking his eyes with her. He takes both of their hands and places them on her stomach _"I am too" _he admits, unable to hide the pain in his voice _"I don't know what's going to happen Kens"_

_"Can you please just drive? The sooner we find out the better" _she says, rubbing their hands over her stomach.

Deeks doesn't say anything, just nods, and puts the car in drive. He takes a deep breath, he wish he knew what to say or do but this is not something they both prepared for. This was not what he anticipated when he woke up this morning and kissed his girlfriend and unborn baby goodbye. This was not something he _could've _prepared for he realizes. Closing his eyes for a second he quietly prays to God to keep their baby safe, but somehow he feels that his prayers come to late.

* * *

Deeks parks the car as close to the clinic as he can and quickly helps Kensi out of the car. The midwife is already waiting for them and gives both Kensi and Deeks a reassuring pat on the shoulder. Kensi wants to shrug away the hand but she decides against it. It feels warm, nice, comforting. Something she definitely needs right now.

They walk into the room silently and Kensi climbs up the chair before settling down carefully. The midwife, which she now just registered, is called Astrid, sprinkles some gel on her stomach and flips on the machine. The first thing Kensi sees is a beautiful looking baby lying in fetal position. If she didn't know any better it looked like she was peacefully asleep. But, the frown on Astrid's face tells her it's anything _but _a sleeping baby. She knows, even before the words are spoken, they lost the baby and suddenly all the pain, tears and fear she had been holding in come crashing down like a tidal wave.

Deeks is beside her within seconds, nestling his face in the crook of her shoulder. She can feel the tears streaming down his face and she can hear his strangled sobs but she can't say anything, can't _do _anything, she's too lost in her own pain. It literally feels like she's lost a part of herself and that her heart has been ripped in two.

_"I'm so sorry" _Astrid says, quietly placing her hands on Kensi. This was not what she intended to happen when she asked if they could come to the clinic. Even Astrid thought it was going to be fine. She was just going to give an ultrasound, show the baby's heartbeat and then send the reassured pair home. Now, she had to deliver the news that would send their lives into a tailspin.

_"What now?" _Deeks sniffles, kissing Kensi lightly on her head before turning towards Astrid. He knows this is only just the beginning of a whirlwind of emotions

_"There are two options" _Astrid explains, and Kensi turns her head showing she's listening. "_You can go home, process everything that has happened these past hours. Maybe even talk to some people and then come back tomorrow or the day after that, or whenever it feels right for you, to terminate the pregnancy" _Kensi grabs a hold of Deeks' hand for support and he squeezes it lightly _"Or, I call the hospital and you pack a couple things and go straight away. They'll give you medication to induce labor and the baby will be born relatively quickly" _

Kensi searches Deeks' face for support. She knows this isn't her decision to make. Not _only _hers anyway. But, if she's being completely honest she knows exactly what she wants, and needs, to do right now.

Deeks gives her a watery smile, unable to hide the pain he feels. He can't believe this is happening to them, that this is a decision they're are going to have to make. He's not sure he can. _"What do you want to do?" _he asks. It's Kensi who's been carrying the baby and she's the one who is dealing with the fact that the baby inside her belly isn't alive anymore. He doesn't feel he has any right to make the decision for her.

A strangled sob leaves her mouth _"I want this baby out of me," _she sniffles _"NOW" _

Astrid looks from Kensi to Deeks who quietly nods. He's not going to argue with that. Astrid turns on her heels, leaving her alone in the room. Deeks looks around, the room is dark, lifeless. Pretty much exactly how he feels right now.

_"Deeks" _Kensi whispers brokenly _"I'm sorry" _

If his heart wasn't breaking before it sure is now. The woman in front of him is a shell of the strong, confident person he knows. There's no light in her eyes, and the radiating pregnancy glow has been replaced with a dark grey cloud. He'll never understand how that works.

_"Don't Kens" _he says, grabbing her hand when she slides from the chair _"It's not your fault" _

More silent tears run down her cheeks before she gets pulled into his broad chest. She nuzzles herself into him as tightly as she can. If he only knew, she thought.  
If she just had said something sooner, if she had just listened to her inner voice, to her intuition, maybe they wouldn't be in this situation. It's _all _her fault.

Deeks quietly looks towards the clock. 6.45 AM. It's morning, he deduces. Six hours ago he had fallen asleep with not a care on his mind and in the span of three hours their lives had been turned upside down. How was that fair? What did they do to deserve this? What did _she _do to deserve this?

_"The hospital is expecting you within two hours," _Astrid says, walking back into the room quietly _"are you okay to drive?" _she asks, eyes focused on Deeks.  
He nods solemnly, giving her a hand in quiet thanks.

_"Good luck" _she hears Astrid say, before the door is closed behind them.

Kensi looks up at the sky, towards the sun that's slowly setting, and tries to smile through her tears. That's going to be your new home now, she thinks before putting two hands on her belly. Closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath. Finding her strength, she nods to herself. Let's get this over with.

* * *

**This chapter was hard to write because it's something I had to go through myself at the end of '13. I incorporated my own personal experience of loss into this chapter and I hope it translated. I'm actually quite proud of this chapter, it being something I have been going back and forth with since before beginning this story. As soon as this story started to root I knew this was where I wanted to share my personal experience.**

**Next chapter is dealing with the birth &amp; fall out of everything that happened in this chapter. **

**It would mean a whole lot to me if you could review this chapter. **

**See you all next week**


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm actually quite blown away by the amazing reviews and PM's I've gotten last chapter. It was hard for me to make the choice to incorporate some of my own personal experience into this story but I'm glad I did. Like I said, it worked therapeutic. So did this chapter. I'm not ashamed to say I've written through my tears these last two chapters but that's okay. Tears aren't a sign of weakness.  
And, on the same note, did anyone watch the latest Grey's episode? Like seriously, it should have come with a trigger warning because I seriously thought I couldn't cry anymore, but I did. Well, it can't even be described as crying, it was heart wrenching, breathtaking, ugly sobbing. It hit so close to home, and to have all those feelings that I thought I dealt with come back up, that was hard. But, they also did it so extremely beautiful. Jesse and Sarah captured the emotions so extremely beautiful that even if you didn't experience something similar you'd still feel all of their pain and heartbreak. **

**Well, enough of an A/N before hand. Without further ado I give you chapter 9.  
**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother  
She'll know I'm safe with you, when she stands under my colors  
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no  
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby  
The sharp knife of a short life  
****\- The band Perry/ If I die young**

Life teaches you hardships so you can learn to overcome them.  
Life throws you in the deep end to find out how good you can swim.  
Life shows you how strong you are when being strong is the only choice you've got.

All if this is proven to be ironically accurate for Kensi and Deeks right now.

Here she was, lying in a cold white hospital bed, duped up on meds, trying to get her body to work with her in getting out the baby inside of her belly. The baby that, no matter how much she wants it, won't come out alive.

They had given her the first pill to induce labor about two hours ago and nothing was happening yet. Lying in this bed, thinking about all the different ways their lives could have turned out made her anxious _"I need to get out of here" _she breathed.

Deeks tore his eyes away from the show he was absentmindedly watching. Well, he hadn't actually been watching anything other than moving images for the better part of the past two hours, trying to keep his mind from going places he wasn't sure he could come back from. _"I'm not sure they'll let you go babe" _

She chuckles sarcastically, off course he would think she meant get out of the hospital. _"I meant out of this bed genius" _she barks a little more venomous than she intended. The minute she sees his eyes cloud over in pain she feels guilty.

Before she gets to correct the mistake and say she's sorry he's already halfway towards the door _"I'll see what I can do" _he whispers, before disappearing into the hallway, head hung low.

Letting out a strangled breath she internally berates herself for being so harsh. She doesn't know how she's supposed to deal with this, what she's supposed to feel, or what is expected of her. But, she needs to realize, neither does Deeks.

He comes back ten minutes later, rolling in a wheelchair _"They said you could get out of bed, but only in this wheelchair" _he says, eyes focused on anything other than Kensi.

Are they serious right now? They expect her to get into a wheelchair and let Deeks wheel her through the hospital _"Are you freaking kidding me right now? What do they think is going to happen? That I'll walk this baby to death? Oh wait, it already IS dead" _she spits venomously, swinging her feet to the side of the bed.

Deeks recoils, not knowing what to do about Kensi's anger. He didn't know what he'd expect her to feel, but anger wasn't something he was prepared for. Tears, that's what he expected, lots and lots of tears. Like the ones that have been accumulating in his eyes for hours now. But, he refuses to let them fall. Not when she's the one being so strong. He wants to be mad, he wants to be able to scream, shout and just punch _something _but all he feels is a deep soulful sadness that is threatening to eat him alive. _"Okay" _is al he says, pushing the wheelchair to the side.

He quietly holds out his hand and she accepts it hesitantly. _"Thank you" _she manages to choke out, all too aware of her anger outburst not a minute earlier. She knows she's going to have to try and rein it in. She's not the only one grieving.

Deeks hates that the situation reduced them to this. Him, unable to look at her, wisely keeping his mouth shut most of the time, not wanting to say anything that would set her off. Her, angered by every little thing that seems to come her way, not even recognizing herself most of the time.

* * *

Three hours, they've been in the hospital for _three _freaking hours and nothing is happening. She's been walking, slowly, through the halls, with Deeks by her side. Somehow he had managed to have the OBGYN sign off on not using the wheelchair and she's thankful for that. Maybe walking will help her get her body to do something, _anything _at this point. It feels like the universe is trying to punish her some more by keeping this baby inside her for as long as humanly possible. Like, if it stays in longer, it will magically come back to life and they'll tell her it was all just a horrible mistake. Yeah right, as if that's ever going to happen. The baby is dead, and it's going to stay dead. Why on earth won't her body cooperate in getting it out of her? She wants this baby, this _thing _out of her and she wants it out _now_.

"_Do you want to go back to your room?" _Deeks asks, when she decides to take a break.

She leans her arms over the banister that overlooks the entire downstairs of the hospital, quietly watching the people walking in and out. For a minute she wishes she was the little old lady she sees walking on crutches, being supported by what seemed to be her husband. That little old lady didn't have a dead baby inside of her belly that refuses to come out. That little old lady smiles at her husband with an easiness and love that makes her stomach turn. She wonders if she'll ever be able to smile that way again. If she'll ever be able to look at Deeks in a way that won't make her think of all the things she denied him by letting the baby inside of her die. A shot of pain hurls through her and she has to clutch her stomach to try and breathe through it.

Deeks watches her quietly from the side. Her face has been permanently etched in a mix of pain and anger ever since they found out the faith of their baby and for a minute he wishes he knew what she was thinking. She won't talk to him, so he has no idea on how to help her, how to be there for her. He's doing the best he can and he can only hope it's enough.

Taking Deeks' hand for comfort she feels another shot of pain course through her and somehow she knows that her mind and body _finally _caught up with each other. _"It's time" _she whispers solemnly, focusing her eyes on Deeks.

* * *

2 hours, 28 minutes and 47 seconds later there's a tiny bundle of white being held up by the OBGYN.

"_Do you want to hold her?" _

Kensi's eyes shoot from Deeks to the OBGYN, shaking her head vigorously _"No," _she said resolute. There's nothing to hold. The baby she's looking at is just a bag of bones to her. It means nothing. Her soul has already left her body and if it's up to her they can take that _thing _away as soon as possible _"but you can if you want to" _she says, pointing her head towards Deeks.

Deeks quietly nods, holding out his arms to cradle the tiniest thing he had ever seen. She's white, wrinkly and cold. She looks like a sleeping baby, but he knows she's not. There's no cry, there's no moving of limbs and her chest is staying flat, showing the harsh truth that she's not breathing _"It's a girl," _he whispers, not taking his eyes away from his daughter _"are you sure you don't want to hold her?"_

Kensi sighs _"I said NO Deeks" _she tries to keep the venom out of her voice, knowing it'll only hurt him. But, she wants them to take the baby, that _thing _out of the room right now. She wants to be alone, close her eyes and sleep. Sleep, and dream of a better world in which the little girl that she just gave birth too is alive and lying in her arms contently.

"_I think you should just take her" _Deeks says, picking up on Kensi's discomfort, handing the baby to the nurse. He knows they won't take the baby to the morgue just yet. He asked a little while ago. They made room for her in the room next door. Placing her in the beautiful tiny basket and blanket they picked out when they came here he carefully places a kiss on the baby's forehead.

The OBGYN takes the basket from him _"What's her name?" _she asks, name card in hand.

Kensi lifts her eyebrows _"Does it matter? She's dead" _she says.

Deeks lets out a strangled sob _"Kensi" _he warns. He doesn't want to get mad at her but his patience is wearing thin. She's making it seem like they're handing over a kitten to its new owner.

Sighing once again Kensi fixes her eyes on Deeks. Without having to say anything she knows they need to give the baby a name. It's mandatory after 26 weeks, and if she's being honest she knows she can't keep revering to it as 'the thing' or 'the baby that didn't make it'. She might not have gotten to know her baby outside the womb but that didn't mean she didn't love her. _"Kaylee" _she breathes, looking at Deeks for conformation.

The only thing he can do upon hearing her utter the name is nod solemnly. He thinks back to the conversation they had just only a week prior to this nightmare. After 3 months of bickering they had finally agreed on a name for a girl or a boy. They had early on in the pregnancy come to the conclusion that they didn't want to know the baby's sex before it was born. And now that they know it was a girl, Kaylee was the only logical name for the beautiful baby that wasn't meant to live.

"_Kaylee" _he whispers silently, before watching the nurses wheel the baby out of the room.

He settles himself down on the spare bed that has been set up for him before turning his attention back to Kensi _"Are you okay?" _he asks timidly.

"_Please don't ask me that," _she says brokenly, her tough exterior crumbling before his eyes _"I don't know how I'm supposed to answer that. I'm not okay. OBVIOUSLY. I just lost my baby. WE just lost our baby" _

Deeks swallows _"right" _he says, fidgeting with the ends of his blanket nervously. What is he supposed to do now? What is he supposed to say? He doesn't know what to do and it's killing him. _"I don't know how to do this" _he quietly admits, casting his eyes down, sighing heavily.

"_I don't either Deeks," _Kensi admits, rubbing her eyes tiredly _"can you please just ask if I could rest a bit?" _

Nodding his head in confirmation he suddenly feels his body tense when he realizes he's going to spend the night in a hospital. He hates hospitals, always has, and right now it dawns on him that he's been inside of one for over eight whole hours. He pushes the nervous anxious feeling aside, he needs to be here, he needs to stay, for Kensi.

Ten minutes later there are three nurses and an OBGYN beside her bed, prodding and forcing her to talk _"Miss Blye, I need you to tell me how you're feeling" _one of the nurses, Nicky, asks her.

Shaking her head she bitterly spits _"I don't KNOW how I'm feeling. I'm TIRED as HELL and I NEED to sleep. Can I PLEASE just go to sleep?" _

The nurse has the nerve to look a little hurt, but Kensi doesn't care. It's not like she has never been in this situation before, right? Kensi's pretty sure she's not the only woman to have delivered a stillborn baby. She can't help this little streak of hostility that keeps forcing its way to the surface.

"_You can sleep now Miss Blye" _one of the other nurses, Mary, says after having consulted with the rest of the team. Deeks walks the nurses back out of the room, quietly conversing but she's too tired to care what they're talking about.

She doesn't even acknowledge Deeks when he comes back into the room whispering a quiet _'goodnight Kens'_. She just turns her head, pulls the covers over her a little more and _finally_ closes her eyes. Maybe, just maybe, when she wakes up tomorrow the world will be a little less painful.  
Somehow she doubts it.

* * *

**A/N I don't have much to add right now. I just want to point out that everyone grieves differently and not everyone is going to be able to find themselves in the way Kensi (or maybe even Deeks) handles certain things. I just need you guys to realize there's no guideline for grief. There's no right or wrong way to deal with loss. You do it the way you see fit, the only way you know you'll get one foot in front of the other, seeing another morning. **

**It might not look that way now but I promise this story is far from over and there are going to be good times ahead for our beloved couple. Just because they lost their baby doesn't mean their whole life is over. It might just feel this way for both of them right now, and that's okay. But it's always darkest before the dawn &amp; there's ALWAYS sunshine after the rain. Remember that going forward.**

**I would love for you guys to review this chapter, it means a lot to me to hear your thoughts.**

**Till next time**

**XoXo**


	10. Chapter 10

**You know it's Sunday when there's another chapter of LOF waiting for you. Thanks again for all of the lovely Pm's, follows, favorites and replies. I'm blown away by the beautiful words you put my way. Okay, let's get into it. This one was a little let tissue heavy, but still hard to write. **

* * *

**Grief is like the ocean  
It comes on waves ebbing and flowing  
Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming  
All we can do is learn to swim  
\- Vicki Harrison **

Their life actually feels like a roller coaster most days. She can feel perfectly normal, okay, one minute, but the next minute the memories hit her like a tidal wave and her whole world comes crashing down around her _again_. Deeks doesn't know how to help her. He pleads her to talk, to tell him how she feels. She would if she could. But she doesn't _know _how she feels. She doesn't actually think she feels anything, she's numb. Most days she has the utmost difficulty simply getting out of bed, opening her eyes, and putting one foot in front of the other. Deeks has retreated into himself, a shell from the bubbly fun person she knows he is deep inside, and she hates that she's the reason. _She _did this to them, _she's _the one who didn't have a body that was able to keep a baby alive.

The doctors in the hospital did an autopsy on Kaylee and they concluded there was nothing wrong with her physically. Her organs were strong, her bones whole. By all means Kaylee would have become a healthy baby, _if _Kensi would only have managed to keep her alive inside a little longer. She feels deep down like everything is her fault, she was supposed to be the biggest protector of that little live growing inside of her and she failed to do that, she failed Kaylee.  
Deeks keeps telling her that he doesn't blame her, that there's nothing they could have done that would've guaranteed a different outcome. She wants to scream, shout and even slap him. She wants to yell that it's_ all_ her fault that _she _failed their baby and he should just leave and find a woman who is capable of giving him what he wants. Instead, she stays quiet. Feeling like there's no fight left in her. She just silently nods, let his arms envelope her, his warmth and love the only reason she hasn't completely given up.

* * *

After a couple weeks Deeks tells her he wants to go back to work. She knows it's not because they really need him back; that they can't handle things without them, it's that _he_ needs to be back. Sitting at home, thinking about what could've been, is breaking his heart. Watching her becoming a shell of the strong woman he fell in love with nearly kills him. He pleads with her to fight, for them, for herself, for _anything _really. Somehow she can't seem to find the strength within her to do so. It's not that she doesn't _want _to fight, she just doesn't know _how_. But, that doesn't mean she doesn't want Deeks to fight, she _needs _him to fight, it's the only thing that's keeping her sane. It's the only way she knows she'll might be able to come out of this alive. She wants him to put the pieces back together, to get back on track. He deserves as much. She simply wishes she knew how to do that. How to _move on _from this. Right now, she's not sure she'll ever be able to.

* * *

She has her first real panic attack a month later. She can actually _see _the walls closing in on her, her breath becomes labored, things become blurry pretty quickly and before she knows it things go black. She regains consciousness a little while later, shaking and covered in sweat. Just when she thinks the worst is behind her she actually hears a baby cry from the back of the house. Her feet carry her to the nursery in an instant and her hand is already on the doorknob when she realizes there is no baby behind it. That the scream she heard just now _wasn't _real. She pulls her hand from the knob like it just burned her and she quickly takes two steps back, putting a hand over her raging heart "_What the hell are you doing Kensi" _she quietly mutters to herself. She glances back to the door, wondering what she would find behind it. She hadn't been inside of it ever since they came home without Kaylee, but she had seen Deeks walk in and out of it a couple times over the past month. Before she can talk herself out of it she takes the two determined steps to the door, takes a deep breath and opens it. She claps a hand in front of her mouth and silent tears run over her face upon the sight. The room is _exactly _how they had set it up; all the way down to the big teddy bear her mother had bought them just before everything went to hell. She wants to cross the threshold, but somehow her feet are rooted in place. Quietly closing the door behind her, she leans against it and tries to regain composure. She's going to have to talk to Deeks about it, it's not like they can keep it like that forever. That would be morbid. Shaking her head she knows that she needs to get out of the house before she really does go insane.

* * *

Deeks has been on desk duty ever since he came back to work. Hetty had told him, in her 'you-can-disagree-but-it-won't-change-anything' voice, that they don't trust him out in the field yet. He had simply tuned out the rest of the conversation but picked up on something about him being too emotionally scarred. _Too emotionally scarred, _what does that even mean?

Are they planning on having him do paperwork for the rest of his career? Because if so he'll rather find another job. Why can't they understand that he is going to recover from this a lot faster if they'll just let him out, into the field, doing what he does best?

Today's a quiet day with not a lot of paperwork so he's been playing backgammon on his computer for about an hour when he hears silent gasps coming from the people with him in the bullpen.  
He quickly turns to the source and his eyes grow large when he sees Kensi walking towards him. He pulls himself up quickly and is beside her in an instant. _"What are you doing here?" _he asks, trying to hide the irritation in his voice. She's only had a baby a month ago; she's not supposed to be here yet. She promised she wouldn't be back until she was ready and she most definitely isn't ready. Sometimes he wonders if she'll ever be again. If _they _ever will be again.

"_I wanted to see if you could use some help," _she breathes out evenly _"I was literally going stir crazy at home"  
_Kensi wonders if she should tell him what happened today, but she quickly decides against it. She doesn't want Deeks worrying about her. He needs to focus on himself, that's what's most important to her now. Making Deeks whole.

"_What's wrong?" _ Deeks asks immediately. He knows her well enough to know there's something wrong. She looks different, more restless than most days. He would even go as far as to say that she's looking pained. Something he hasn't seen much from her in the past.

She should have known that he would figure out something was bothering her. He always prides himself on knowing her better than he knows his last name. And he's not wrong.  
_"I think you should break down the baby stuff" _

"_What? Why?"_

"_There is no baby, therefore there's no need for a nursery" _she tells him matter-of-factly wringing her hands together for support. She doesn't want to fight about this. Not here. Not now. Not ever. She just wants to forget this ever happened, move on. But, how can she ever try to do that when there's still a complete nursery in their house? When _everything _in their house reminds her of the life she wasn't destined to live.

Deeks sighs deeply _"It's only been a month Kens," _he swallows _"one freaking month". _ He doesn't understand how she can be so businesslike about this. How she can just set aside all of her emotions and be _rational _in a time like this. Nothing about this situation is rational; nothing about it is fine, nothing about it is _normal. _

"_Don't you think I know that?" _Kensi suddenly shouts, surprised by the anger bubbling up inside of her.

Deeks closes his eyes briefly, taking a couple short breathes to keep himself calm _"Kens, I just think now is not the time to do this. ANY of this. It's not the time to remove Kaylee from our lives, it's certainly not the time to break down the nursery and it's most definitely not the time to talk about this here"_

Kensi sighs exasperated _"I need you to take it away. Break it down, sell it, move it to my mom's place, I don't care. Just get it out of the house. I'm tired of walking by her room every single day, feeling like the biggest failure in the world. Our house is supposed to feel safe. Like a home. I don't want it to be about her anymore"_

"_Kaylee," _Deeks whispers _"you can't even say her name" _

She's about to respond venomously when she hears two very familiar voices come towards the bullpen. They're talking about what appears to be their latest case and she plasters the biggest fake smile on her face she can muster. No reason for Sam and Callen to be on the receiving end of the anger that bubbled during her conversation with Deeks just now _"Hi Guys" _she says fake cheerfully.

Both Sam and Callen stop in their tracks, looking from Kensi to Deeks, to each other and then back to her. _"Do you need permission to give me a hug or something?" _she smiles sarcastically and she sees a flicker of something cross Callen's features but it's gone before she can begin to decipher it . She sees Sam share another look with Deeks who simply nods at them stiffly. Apparently they _do _need permission, because it's not until after the nod that both Callen and Sam envelope her in a big hug.

_"Kensi. What are you-"Sam_ cuts himself of, unsure of how to proceed. She can actually see the wheels turning in his head before he continues _"you look-"he_ sighs, clearly frustrated that he doesn't really know what to say _"It's good to see you" _he eventually says. Callen simply nods and envelops her in another tight hug _"really good," _he breathes _"I'm sorry Kens. So sorry" _  
If she didn't know any better she would've thought she heard him sniffle just now. She looks over his shoulder to Sam who also very discretely tries to wipe away some tears  
_"Geez Guys, get yourselves together" _she tries to joke, trying to make light of the situation. She can hear Deeks gasp behind her and she doesn't have to turn around to imagine the state of utter shock that's etched on his face right now. _"I think you should go" _she suddenly hears him say and this time she does turn around to fix him with a stern look of her own.

"_You do_ _not__ decided if should stay or go" _she spits out venomously. Feeling every bone in her body react.

Callen places a hand on her shoulder _"I think what Deeks means is-"  
_She cuts him off by swatting his hand away _"I know exactly what Deeks means thank you very much". _If she was of clear mind she would have thought twice before snapping at Callen like that but she's not. She doesn't know where all this anger keeps coming from and she _really _doesn't know how to stop it.

"_Kensi" _Sam suddenly chimes in, emotionally eyes fixed on her. _"No. No. No," _she breathes out _"not you too" _

Right now looking at the three men around her with clear emotion etched on their faces she wishes she was just able to feel something _other _than anger. The things she would do if she would just be able to cry. But, there are no tears, there haven't been any ever since they truly said goodbye to their baby. There has only been sheer hot anger that comes bubbling up at the most inopportune times and with the people who least deserve it. She knows that's she directing the anger to the wrong people but, apparently _knowing _something is happening doesn't always mean you can prevent it. _"I'm sorry;" _she eventually says when she feels the anger disappear a little _"I SHOULD go". _Kensi smiles sadly at both Callen and Sam before turning her attention back to Deeks _"I'm sorry," _she repeats, kissing him on the cheek lightly _"I'll see you at home" _

* * *

**A/N Okay, here's the thing. I know some of you won't like the way Kensi is dealing with this loss. That's okay, you don't have to agree with the way someone grieves, we just need to respect it, right?**

**I will try to explain what my (and Kensi's) frame of mind was while writing this chapter.**  
**Elisabeth Kubler –Ross says there are 5 stages of grief. Denial – anger- bargaining- depression and acceptance. I'm pretty sure we can all agree that Kensi is stuck in her anger stage right now. She's still not ready to face the loss head on, and so she hides behind her anger and lashes out at the people closest to her. She just lost the second most precious thing in her life and she feels like it's all her fault. So she's mad, mad at Deeks for getting her pregnant (I'm not saying it's rational I'm saying it's what she's feeling right now), mad at herself for not being able to keep Kaylee alive but most of all she's mad at the world for letting this happen in the first place.**

**This stage will not last forever. But, I just want you guys to understand that there might be five stages of grief but grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor is there a 'right' or 'wrong' way to do it.**

**And for the people wondering about Deeks, you can expect him dealing with his grief a little more heavily in the next chapter. Next chapter will also have a conversation between Kensi and her mother that's LONG overdue. I promise you'll get to see how the loss will affect _everyone _but I don't want to rush it. I really want to do this story line justice because it's just so extremely personal for me. Right now it has just been easier for me to get into Kensi's head because I can relate to her on such a personal level with this, but that doesn't mean I forgot about the other characters.**  
**Last thing I want you guys to know is that I'm not going to drag out this whole grieving story line. Like I said, I just want to do it justice and I need to find a 'right' way (or what feels like a right way for me anyway) to weave this into the future of the story.**

**Don't forget to review, I love hearing from you guys.**

**Until next time!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Thank you all for the amazing reviews, follows and favorites this story is still getting. It's really nice to know this story is appreciated and well read. To the one person who asked me if I could please stop writing the dialogue in Italic there's just one thing I want to say about that. I understand where you are coming from and I can also understand that for some people it might not read that easy. But, I chose to write the story this way for a reason, and I am not going to change the layout of the story midway through because I feel like that would just be weird. I AM keeping it in my thoughts though and maybe I'll be crazy enough one day to change it all. But not now, not midway through, not while the story isn't finished yet. So, if it really bothers you that much I'm really sorry but I hope you can understand my reasoning and can read through it. **

**Without any more hoopla here's chapter 11 for you all. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Sometimes, you just can't tell anybody how you really feel  
Not because you don't know why. Not because you don't know your purpose. Not because you don't trust them. Or love them. But because you can't find the right words to make them understand**

**\- Unknown**

Julia Blye had last seen her daughter exactly three months ago, the day she gained and lost a grandchild.  
She can still remember how ecstatic she had felt when they told her she was going to be a grandmother. Julia had always known that Kensi and Deeks were meant for each other and eventually would create their own little family. Julia and Kensi had never been that close, not after everything that happened with Kensi's father all those years ago but they had stricken up an easy friendship in the last few years and for that she was thankful. That was why it had hurt so badly when Kensi had shut her out completely after Kaylee died. Kaylee Deeks-Blye would have been her first grandchild and she felt the loss right down to her bones. She wanted to be able to be there for Kensi, to work through this horrible experience together, but instead her daughter had once again completely shut her out of her life.  
This time Julia wasn't planning on giving up that easily though, still feeling the pain of the scars that last time left her with. So, she had tried, relentlessly. She called, she texted, wrote letters. She even tried visiting, but Kensi had just shut the door in her face the moment she saw her telling her "_now isn't the time". _After months and months of trying to get through to her daughter it was Deeks who told her it might just be wise to give her the time and space she apparently craved so much. He had told her that it wasn't just with her, that Kensi had been shutting everyone out, including him. The therapist he talked to about it had told him that they needed to adjust to Kensi's pace and let her grief in her own way. That she'd come to them when she was ready. And that's exactly what happened. Three months after that terrible faithful day Julia gets a call from Kensi asking if she wants to come by for Coffee.

* * *

It's been months since Kensi actually talked to her mother. Not for lack of trying on Julia's part, but more on lack of acceptance from Kensi's part. The first few weeks after it happened she didn't want _anyone _around her, even reducing Deeks into the spare bedroom. After a month she finally allowed Deeks back into their room but still didn't want to talk about anything, with anyone. Everyone had wanted to be there for her but she just closed herself off and tried to forget it ever happened. Nell and Eric, Sam and Callen and even Hetty had tried multiple times to get her to open up and talk but she shot them down, one by one, time and time again. Deep down she hoped that the longer she did it the sooner people would get the picture and just _stop _trying. Her mother had been the worst of the bunch though, calling Kensi every single day, asking her how she was. There were days when she simply didn't bother turning her phone on to avoid the inevitable call, but at the end of those days she'd always end up fighting with Deeks. He would emphasize that he needed to be able to reach her, and he was right. And, it was not like calling was the only way Julia had tried to contact her, she had tried every single trick in the book to get her to talk, until one day she had simply stopped trying. Weeks passed without a single word from her mother and at first it had been really nice, the quietness, the nothingness, but as the weeks passed and turned into months she realized exactly just how much she missed her mother. So, one day she simply called her and asked her over for Coffee.

* * *

It's three in the afternoon when Julia finally arrives at Kensi and Deeks' place. Kensi had been busy the past few hours, occupying her mind with the simplest things. Deeks had asked if he needed to stay home today, for extra moral support and as much as she loved him for it she knew this was something she needed to do alone. She also knew that she couldn't say what was on her mind with Deeks hovering around her all the time. She knew he meant well, that he only did it out of love, but lord that man could drive her _crazy _sometimes.

The knock on the door startles Kensi from her latest endeavor, cleaning the kitchen counter, and she quickly wipes it down before walking to the front door slowly. Julia simply envelopes her in the biggest and strongest hug she had in ages and she struggles to breathe for a minute. _"Hi mom," _Kensi smiles, opening the door a little further _"come in"._

Her mother smiles so bright _"I was so glad you called, Kensi" _she whispers, sighing knowingly.

The relief on her mother's face and the worry lines around her eyes are enough to make her almost double over in regret. _"I'm sorry mom"_. She should have asked her to come over much sooner, realizing that this period hadn't been easy on her mother either.

"_Don't be. How are you doing honey?"_ Julia says reassuringly. There's no need for apologies, she's just glad Kensi finally picked up the phone and called.

Kensi smiles ruefully, silently thanking her mother for not making a big deal out of her retreatment. _"I'm managing. It's still hard most days but it gets easier"_

"_You're getting help?" _Julia hopes this question doesn't put Kensi back in her shell. She knows her daughter, she knows she doesn't like accepting help but she also knows that this time is different; this whole situation is something they all have no experience with.

"_Deeks has me seeing his therapist and it's actually quite good for me,"_ she chuckles lightly_ "which I know sounds ironic from the girl who once said that therapy was for the week minded" _  
She thinks back on the huge fight that went before her finally agreeing to see a therapist. Deeks had been hounding her for weeks about needing help. Kensi knew she was getting worse, actually shutting out everything and everyone around her but there was a part of her that liked it that way. She had found a rock she could crawl under when things overwhelmed her and it was getting quite comfortable down there. It wasn't until Deeks had tearfully told her that he loved her but didn't know he could keep doing this that her eyes slowly opened. She lost Kaylee and there was no way she was going to lose Deeks in the process.

Julia nodded. She knew how stubborn her daughter could be and was glad that she found a way to accept the help provided for her _"There's nothing wrong with therapy, if it's helping you"_

Kensi mulls over that statement for a minute. The first two sessions she only cried, for an hour on end, unable to speak. She didn't know how she did it, but Angela had managed to crack open the wall that Kensi had build up around her emotions and she had cried, cried, and cried some more. She had apologized profusely for being such a sobbing mess but Angela had simply told her that it was okay. That it was actually a good thing she was able to cry. It had meant that Kensi was open to find a way back from this and that was all they needed to get started._"I truly think it is"_

"_Then I'm happy for you Kens" _her mother said truthfully.

Kensi smiled _"Thanks mom,"_ she said, handing her mother a glass of wine. She had invited her mother over for coffee but found she needed something stronger to be able to get through this conversation. As much as she was on her way to healing she still wasn't the Kensi people used to know and sometimes memories still hit her light a freight train, she found that alcohol helped her relax. _"Mom?" _she asked after a minute.

"_Yes, sweetheart" _Julia said, taking a sip from her wine.

"_Can I ask you something?"_

"_Anything honey, anything"_

Kensi sighed, looking for the courage to ask what she desperately wanted to ask.  
_"Are you disappointed in me?" _she asked timidly.

"_What,"_ Julia screeched, surprised by the question _"why would I be disappointed in you?"_

"_I keep forgetting that I'm not in this alone, that I'm not the only one hurting. You where denied a grandchild and that must hurt" _Kensi admitted, voicing her thoughts. The last couple weeks she had spend more time on trying to place herself in other people's shoes. Her therapist, Angela, had told her that she needed to step out of her comfort zone and try to put herself in the mindset of others. And as much as it had hurt, she had realized she wasn't the only one affected by this and she needed other people in on her grief.

"_I won't deny it didn't hurt, losing Kaylee, and feeling like I lost you all over again, but I do understand," _Julia says, eyes fixing on Kensi, the unshed tears evident in them. She swallows, trying to keep the tears at bay _"everyone grieves in their own way and I'm not one to judge that" _she finishes, hugging Kensi once more

"_Thank you" _Kensi breathes, wrapping her arms around her mother tightly. She had missed this.

Julia drops a kiss to her daughter's hair _"You know Kensi; I think you needed this time to come back into yourself again,"_ she explains_ "you and Deeks have gone through a huge ordeal and I can't imagine how that feels for both of you. And yes, you two might not have been the only two affected by this but you two __were __the ones who it affected the most" _

Kensi knows her mother is right; they needed to do this together. But has she really allowed Deeks to grief _with _her? She shamefully has to admit that she spent more time on her own grief than on talking about it with Deeks, something she figures must have hurt for him too. As if her mother can read her mind she asks _"How are you and Deeks?"_

"_We're dealing. Deeks has been so patient with me. If there's one thing this experience-," _she says, unsure as of how much she wants to share with her mother _"Kaylee, has showed me,"_ she takes a deep breath, feeling her own tears bubble to the surface again. Apparently saying her name is still a huge trigger_ "is that that man loves me with everything he's got"_

"_I always knew he did, Kensi"_

"_I knew he loved me yes, but I never knew how deep his love ran until this happened. Every other man would have thought twice about staying. I put him through a __lot __mom and he took it all in stride"_  
That's not completely true off course. They fought, a lot, but always managed to come out stronger for it. Deeks knew how to push her and she knew when it was time to accept. But, never once, had either of them walked out during a fight, not without letting the other know where they were going and promising the other to come back, and for that she would forever be grateful.

Julia smiles. Hearing her daughter talk about her relationship with Deeks in such a loving and positive healthy manner sets her mind at ease a little more. They are going to get through this, as long as they stick together _"If you love someone you take the good with the bad" _

"_But there was a __lot __of bad mom. Like a lot, lot" _Kensi had to hold back a sniffle, really not wanting to show her emotion in front of her mother. She knew it didn't make any sense, but she still felt uncomfortable showing her emotions in front of other people. The only exception being her therapist. Somehow she felt like that was the only person who wouldn't judge her for it. It was unreasonable, she understood that, but her mind hadn't quite caught up to that.

"_I know" _her mother said knowingly. Casting her eyes down for a second, making Kensi think there was more to the story than just those two simple words. _"You do?" _she asked.

Julia didn't really know how to respond. She hated keeping secrets from her daughter but she also didn't want to cause any trouble for Deeks. _"He told me" _she finally admits.

"_You talked to Deeks?" _Kensi asks surprised. Whipping her head around, her sadness making way for anger.

"_He's been coming by every week, just to talk"_

"_Every week," _Kensi can't believe what she's hearing. Deeks had been visiting her mother every week and she didn't know about that? How could she not have known? Why hadn't he told her?_ "He never told me"_

"_He's been doing that ever since that first night you asked him to sleep in the guest room"_

Kensi gasped, clasping her hands in front of her mouth. _"You know about that?" _she half shouts, standing up suddenly. She can't believe he told her that. That was something that was private, which was supposed to stay between them.

"_Are you mad?" _Julia asks, clearly afraid she'd said too much. Kensi thinks about it, _"Yes," _she breathed out. But is she really? Isn't Deeks allowed to talk about things, to deal with his grief the way he needs _"no," _she sighs _"I don't know,"_ breathing in deeply, she wills away the anger she feels. She doesn't feel like she has the right to be angry_ "not really I guess"_

"_You weren't talking to anyone Kensi, and Deeks needed someone. He thought I was his best option, since I'm your mother. I know you"_

"_There's just one thing I don't understand," _Kensi said. _"Deeks isn't really the talking type. He's already seeing a therapist. Why would he feel the need to talk about this with you too?" _It's hard imagining Deeks wanting to talk at all. For years they both had trouble expressing their thoughts and feelings and she just can't comprehend that he would feel comfortable enough to talk about this with her mother. He had enough trouble opening up in therapy.

"_Because talking about it is the only way he knows how to deal with it," _Julia explains, taking her daughter's hands in her own _"You internalized, wanted it to go away quickly, pretend it never happened. Life doesn't work that way Kens, Deeks understood that. Deeks knew that in order for him to heal and make peace with what happened he needed to talk about it and not just professionally. He needed to talk about it with the people affected by it" _

That's the final straw that breaks the camel's back and suddenly she can't stop the tears from falling _"I'm sorry I couldn't do that"_ she hiccups, surprised by the amount of tears that stream down her face.

Julia shakes her head, placing a hand on Kensi's cheek wiping away some of the tears _"It's not a reprimand Kensi; I don't blame you for shutting me out. You needed to do it this way, Deeks needed another way" _

"_It gets easier talking about her though," _Kensi smiles sadly through her tears _"Kaylee" _

"_She would have been the most beautiful baby girl everyone had ever seen," _Julia says, letting her own tears fall freely now. She wanted to be strong for Kensi but it feels good to cry, to let it all out. _ "Did you see those amazing black curls she already had? She was born a goddess"_

"_And now she's with dad. I asked him to take care of her you know" _Kensi looks up briefly, silently praying her father heard her prayers and is taking good care of Kaylee up there.

Julia smiles ruefully _"He will. I still remember right after your father died how much I talked to him," _she breathes "_I still do actually. There's a part of your father with me every single day and that will never change. His death left scars and they still burn every once in a while. They itch to remind me of what I lost, but also of what I gained."_

"_I know it might not look like it right now, but you need to find positive in this Kensi. For me it was the absolute startling realization that I was stronger than I ever imagined I could be. You need to find the one thing that you gained from this and hold on to that."_

"_Why?" _Kensi asked. She didn't really know there was something other than pain that she had gained from all of this and that was absolutely not something she wanted to hold on to.

"_Because once you find something positive in this horrible heartbreaking situation and latch onto it, __that's __when you can truly start healing"_

They talk amicably for another hour about everything. Every once in a while they bring up something that will trigger another emotional outbreak but they both agree to deal with it the way it comes. They don't want to push away anything anymore, they need to give all their emotions their space and that's what they do. They cry, a lot, but they also burst out into a fit of giggles over the simplest things and it feels nice. It feels normal. Something Kensi has been craving for the longest time. So, when Julia says goodbye right after Deeks comes home she gives her a big hug and kiss on the cheek soundly _"Thanks for this mom" _she says truthfully before shutting the door.

"_Things went okay today?" _Deeks asks, turning his attention to Kensi who watches her mother back out of the driveway. He wraps his arms around her from behind and nuzzles his chin in between her shoulder blades. _"They did" _she answers honestly. Today can be qualified as an 'okay' day.

* * *

"_I want to come back to work," _Kensi said, looking straight at Hetty and Granger. She's standing in the bullpen surrounded by both her bosses. _"It's time to move on" _she said. Kensi truly wanted to come back to work; this wasn't a spur of the moment decision. This was something she talked with Deeks about in lengths and as much as he hadn't agreed with her at first, she had managed to talk him into agreeing. Hetty shared a meaningful look with Granger and he left with a simple pat on Kensi's shoulder and weary smile.

"_Kensi, there's no such thing as 'moving on'," _Hetty said, voice soft and slightly hesitant. Not something you'd expect from the great Henrietta Lang, Kensi thought. "_You can't simply move on from this, nor do you need to want to."_ Hetty sighed and her voice became surer with every syllable she uttered _"You simply try to move forward with the scars and experience this gave you. Move forward in life with Kaylee in your heart. She'll be with you for the rest of your life and that's okay. Cherish that. Cherish her. Don't sell her short by removing her from the equation. You're a mother Kensi; you just don't have your child physically present with you anymore. That doesn't make you any less of a parent. You are now and forever will be, Kaylee's mother"_

"_I know Hetty" _Kensi said, not really wanting to get into Kaylee at the moment. This was work; this needed to be about work, not about anything else.

"_Do you really Kensi? Because I need to be honest with you," _Hetty said _"I don't think you're ready to get back to work" _

"_Truth is," _Kensi sighed exasperated; she knew this was not going to be easy. She still remembered the last huge fight she had been in with Deeks over this. She got him to see her point, now it was Hetty's turn _"I don't know if I'll __ever __be completely ready but I __need __to get back to work Hetty," _she said _"please" _

She could see the wheels turning in her head _"What does Deeks say about this?" _she reluctantly asked. Hetty didn't want to step on anybody's turf or stir up trouble for the couple, but she feels she just got Deeks back on solid ground and having Kensi back could potentially be the best, or the worst thing, for both of them.

Kensi smiled _"He was okay with it," _she said _"eventually"_

"_I would be more inclined to say yes if you agree to a temporary desk duty assignment"_

"_Deal" _Kensi said without missing a beat. Anything was better than sitting at home doing nothing.

"_Then I guess a welcome back is in order Ms. Blye"_

"_Thank you Hetty," _she said smiling, wrapping her arms around Hetty quickly _"truly" _

She turned around quickly to eagerly share the news with the rest of the team but before she could walk away she heard Hetty call her name once more _"Kensi. There's just one thing I want you to keep in mind" _she said, fixing her eyes on Kensi's _"I want you to know. No I __need __you to know you can always talk to me about anything. If tomorrow you think this is still too much, or next week, or next month, just tell me and we'll figure something out. I might be your boss but I'm also a friend" _she continued _"I know we don't always see eye to eye but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. You are all like family to me and if there's __anything __I can do, please don't hesitate to let me know"_

"_Thanks" _Kensi says, lips quirking up into a timid smile.

She walks around OSP for a second, taking in her surroundings. This is what she had missed for the past six months. She was going stir crazy at home and she knows that coming back to work is the best thing for all of them. Kensi knows she's good in what she does and they've been working with less than 100 % of the team for too long to be considered productive. Yes, she's ready. As ready as she'll ever be anyway and she's really happy Hetty gave her the opportunity to come back.

"_I guess we're complete again" _Deeks says, the minute she walks through the doors of OSP and he lays eyes on her from the other end of the room. Callen and Sam nod knowingly, silently giving their okay. Eric simply stares at her, unable to say anything and Nell just runs up to her and hugs her so tight you would think they haven't seen each other in ages. Come to think of it, it has been ages. She pushes away the guilt that bubbles up inside her when she's been enveloped in a group hug by her 'family' because for the first time in a long time Kensi feels like she can _actually _start moving forward.

* * *

**A/N I know I said that this chapter would focus more heavily on Deeks' grief but I thought the conversation between Kensi and her mother was long overdue, and I knew I wanted Kensi to have a talk with Hetty about going back to work as well. I contemplated putting the fight she had with Deeks about it in this chapter but I felt it was heavy enough without it and it didn't actually felt right to fit here. These two conversations in this chapter are going to be a catalyst for Kensi to finally open up to Deeks and in return we'll get to dive a little deeper into the way Deeks has been grieving (you got a snippet from it through Kensi's conversation with her mother) and how they've been dealing with things as a couple. **

**See you all next week? **


	12. Chapter 12

**Here's the chapter some of you have been waiting (and begging me) for. This chapter centers around Deeks. It gives you a glimpse into his mind and I hope I did him justice. I just want you guys to keep in mind that I'm a woman (yes, shocking I know) and it's hard to get into the mindset of the man in a situation like this since I can only go with my own personal experience I have with the subject. Then again, I did have a partner I could rely on just as much as Kensi can rely on Deeks and I tried to portrait some of that into the story.  
Enjoy!**

* * *

**Think not so much of 'moving on' but of 'moving forward'.  
And as you move forward, you always do so with your loved one by your side, in your heart,  
within your every breath.  
They are part of you now and always.  
You move forward with them and continue to engage in life because of their inspiration**

**Ashley Davis Bush**

Life hasn't been easy for Marty Deeks these past few months. The loss of Kaylee broke him in more ways than one, and to top it all of Kensi had completely shut him out.  
The past few months he had felt the loneliest he had felt in a long time and he wonders how much more it's going to take for him to break. He had taken her shutting him out in stride, not putting up a fight when she ordered him into the spare bedroom only three weeks after it happened. If space is what she needed then space is what Deeks was going to give her.  
He had heard of couples breaking up over smaller things then what they've been through but he wasn't about to let that happen to them. He loved her too much to simply give up. No, he was going to fight, and if need be, he would fight for the both of them. Just as long as there was fight left in him, he'd be standing, sword in hand, ready for combat.  
That didn't mean he didn't have moments where he was more than willing to throw down the gauntlet and simply walk away. Thankfully, those moments came few and far between and it was in those moments that he turned to an unexpected source for comfort, solace and guidance. Julia Blye. He knows it sounds ludicrous to go to your partner's estranged mother for advice but Deeks knew Julia was the only one who could truly help him. Out of all the people he knew she was the only one who had dealt with grief in a similar way. Donald Blye died, albeit much _much _later in life, in the same way Kaylee had, completely unexpected. Leaving them with an emptiness that can never be explained to someone who hadn't felt it.  
Julia, for him, was the only one who knew what that soul crushing feeling actually felt like and had found a way to deal with it, still standing strong after more than a decade without the love of her life.

Deep down Deeks knew that keeping this from Kensi wasn't his smartest move but it wasn't like they were talking much these days. Their days consisted out of work, coming home, eating, meaningless chitchat and endless movies or nonsense TV shows before each retreating to their own rooms.  
Kensi hadn't uttered Kaylee's name _once _as he could recall and every time he brought her up he was shut down without as much as a recognition of what happened. He had given up trying to talk about Kaylee with Kensi and had relented to the fact that he was to adapt to her terms a long time ago. That he was to wait for _her _to be ready to talk. So, when he comes home one night, after a long hard day at work, with Kensi sitting at the table with what looks like a home cooked meal, he knows that time has finally come.

He expects them to fight, for there to be some harsh words, slamming of doors and maybe even some walking away. Mainly because that's what they've been doing for the past 93 days, 9 hours and 47 minutes. Not that he's counting. He's honestly not. Deeks can't help it that his brain just etched that horrible moment into his memory without any effort and he certainly can't help the fact that he can still recall exactly how he felt and what he did, that faithful day.

He wasn't expecting this time to be any different. He prepares for battle, arming himself for pain as he waits for her to make the first move. He silently locks eyes with her and he sees the reluctance and weariness reflected in them. There's so many things he wants to do, so much he wants to say, but he knows now is not the time. This is going to be their breaking point. He has waited months for this confrontation and now that it's finally here he's not sure he's ready. He's not sure he can do this, or even wants to do this.

_"I'm sorry" _she says quietly. Apparently, neither is Kensi.

Deeks sighs _"It's okay," _he says, taking her hand and squeezing it lightly _"we don't have to do this now" _

"_No," _Kensi replies, eyes darting away from him _"you don't understand"  
_She locks eyes with him moments later and the weariness and reluctance he saw moments earlier have made way for perseverance and clarity _"I'm sorry" _she draws out again, every syllable uttered in such a profound way that it's hard to miss the underlying message.

"_It's okay" _Deeks says again, downplaying the situation. It's not like he hasn't dreamed of hearing those exact words come out of her mouth, it's that he knows there isn't anything to be sorry about _"we all deal with things in our own ways". _

He settles himself down at the dining room table and watches Kensi do the same. She folds her arms on top of each other, swallowing nervously. They both feel the shift in the air. It's either fight or flee, talk or walk. He can see that part of her wants to flee, walk away, but the bigger part seems to win out.

For the first time in forever they talk, _really _talk. Quietly, calm, and collected, laying their souls bare to one another. Like they should've done from the beginning.

_"My way wasn't the healthiest," _Kensi explains _"I can see that now"_

"_It's what you needed to get through the day" _

"_But I never __once __thought about how it all affected you. We both lost her Deeks" _Kensi whispers sadly and Deeks sighs. Apparently she still isn't able to say Kaylee's name and it hurts him more than he's willing to admit. _"We both lost Kaylee" _she repeats quietly.

The moment her name leaves her lips, his breath hitches and their eyes lock. He can see the silent tears swarming around in them, threatening to fall at any moment. It's the most vulnerable Deeks had seen her in a long time, and it breaks his heart.

"_We did" _is all he manages to say, chocking back his own tears. Honestly, he doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't want to break her, push too far. She's slowly opening up to him and he will take however much she's willing to give him.

"_I'm sorry" _Kensi smiles sadly. She knows it's not much, she knows she owes him more. But it's all she can give him right now.

"_Kens," _Deeks breathes, taking both of their hands and lacing them together, he orders her to look at him _"stop saying you're sorry"_

"_But I am"_

"_Kens, no" _he sighs, trying to find the right words to explain what he means _"Did it hurt when you shut me out? Yes. Did I wonder if you were ever going to let me back in? Yes. Have I doubted your love for me? Not for a single second," _He gives her a timid smile, and he squeezes her hand once more in reassurance _"There's absolutely nothing to be sorry about"_

"_I shut you out"_

"_You felt like you needed to do this alone" _Deeks retorts. There's no point in rehashing this, he wants to move forward.

"_I kicked you out of our bedroom" _Kensi mumbles, clearly trying her hardest to keep it together.

It hurts him knowing that she's still not comfortable enough to let her emotions go _"You needed space and quite frankly I would've moved to the moon if it meant you'd heal" _his own resolve is breaking with every regret she lists and he wonders how much more he can take.

Kensi casts her eyes down, unable to look at him _"I know"_

"_There's nothing I wouldn't do for you Kens. I love you. Always have, always will"_

"_I know," _she repeats _"that's what makes what I did so horrible. You would move mountains for me if you could and what do I do? I shut you out. I make it my life's greatest mission to drive you away"_

And that's what breaks his walls. He can't stop the sudden influx of tears that stream down his face in rapid pace and he makes no effort to wipe them away _"But I'm still here aren't I?" _he chokes through his sobs.

"_You are" _Kensi swallows. Seeing Deeks break down in front of her kills her and she wishes she had the will to cry. She can feel the tears threatening to spill but she can't seem to let them fall.

"_And I'm not going anywhere,"_ Deeks smiles, opening his arms_ "We're going to get through this," _her whole body melts into his and they share an intimacy they haven't in a long time _"together"_

Kensi looks up at him, eyes watery _"We're going to be okay?" _she asks. And he knows that the answer he'll give her is either going to retreat her back into her shell or open the floodgates. He realizes he's been considerate of her feelings for long enough, right now what she needs from him is honesty, and that's what he's going to give her.

_"If we keep talking like this we are going to be just fine"_

That's what finally breaks her. To hear him say they are going to be fine. That she didn't push him away far enough to never come back from. He's still here, he's not going anywhere. To hear those words come out of his mouth, break her emotionally. She feels like there's no point in choking back her tears, it's simply time to let go. So, she does. Kensi cries like she hasn't cried before. Her whole body wracks with sobs and she struggles breathing. She feels Deeks' hand on her back, drawing circles, soothing her. She can hear his voice in the distance, and she concentrates on the love that resonates from it. That's what eventually brings her back to reality.

He looks at her through his own tears. Her eyes are rimmed red, puffy, and her cheeks are flushed but to him she hasn't looked more beautiful than she does know. The openness, vulnerability, she gives him, is all he could've wished for.

Deeks is not one to kid himself; he knows they still have a very long road ahead of them. But, tonight they both took very important first steps to getting back to where they were and as far as he's concerned things can only go up from here.

* * *

When they lay on the couch later that night, absentmindedly watching something random on TV, his mind is working a mile a minute. He's happy they've come this far. Their talk had been more than enough progress for him and he wasn't about to push her any further. She had clung to him all evening, curling her body around him on the couch, lacing their fingers together, laying her head in the crook of his neck. It's the most intimate they've been since Kaylee died and he's grateful the walls around her are starting to tumble down. So, he's ready, prepared even, to say goodnight and retreat into the spare bedroom when the next words out of her mouth come as a mild shock _"Stay with me tonight"_

Deeks stiffens. "_You don't have to" _she quickly back paddles. Apparently she feels his reluctance.

"_Kens," _he says _"it's not that I don't want to" _He tries to organize his thoughts the best way he knows how _"I don't know if you're ready" _he admits quietly. His biggest fear is that they're pushing too much too fast, and they're both going to pay the price for it later on.

"_I understand" _Kensi says, trying to keep the disappointment from her voice. Deep down she knows he's right. It wouldn't be the smartest move to jump back into bed together but being this close to him the entire night made her realize just how much she had missed him, how much she actually needed him

"_Soon," _Deeks smiles, placing a soft kiss on her lips _"goodnight Kens" _It takes every ounce of strength he's got to close the door behind him. The biggest part of him just wants to wrap his arms around her, make love to her all night and never let her go. But it's too soon. They're not ready. And as much as she might want to, _she's _not ready.

"_Soon" _Kensi breathes, when she settles into bed. The spot next to her is still empty, his lingering smell long gone from the pillowcase. She closes her eyes, and smiles silently into the night. Tonight she learned that even after everything she did that spot next to her won't be empty forever and that's good enough for now.

* * *

It's two weeks later when neither of them seem to be able to hold back the desire of wanting to be together. Kensi feels like she's ready to burst out of her seems. The last time they where intimate was seven months ago, right before Kaylee was born. She knows for a fact that Deeks' is more than ready, and willing, to comply. She had been driving him crazy at work, brushing past him deliberately, bending over painstakingly close to him and breathing dirty things into his ears and she didn't miss the darkening of his eyes, the desire clearly evident in them.

Deeks comes home a little after nine and the moment he opens the door Kensi's intent is clear. The entire house is covered in candles and in the middle of the living room she stands in the tiniest, sluttiest, skimpiest outfit he has ever seen her in (and that's saying a lot since last year's Halloween costume was that of a slutty sailor and contained nothing more than Kensi in a Bra and mini skirt)  
From the other end of the room he can smell the lavender body wash on her that she knows drives him wild. He tosses his bag into the corner of the room and before he has a chance to say anything she jumps into his arms, he stumbles back a little with the sheer force of her bodyweight tumbling them both back into the soft pillows of the couch. His jeans strain immediately, since she hasn't been the only one on a dry spell for over seven months. She giggles slightly before fusing their lips together and he complies wholeheartedly, meshing their mouths together vigorously. If Kensi Blye wants something, she gets it. And right now it's Marty Deeks she wants. Naked. On top of her. Inside of her. Around her. Everywhere.

* * *

They're cuddling together blissfully, post lovemaking, their bodies entangled in a way that you can't see where one person ends and the other begins, when Kensi drops the biggest bomb on him _"Marry me"_

Deeks' hand drops from her back where he had previously been drawing lazy circles _"What?" _he manages to choke out.

"_Marry me" _she repeats, her eyes sparkling mysteriously but her voice not wavering. Clearly she's joking. Right? "_You're not serious" _

"_I am,"_ Kensi smiles, dropping a soft kiss on his lips_ "marry me" _she says again.

Deeks searches her eyes for any indication of this being some sort of weird joke. But, all he can seem to find is love and devotion, making him realize she's absolutely serious _"No" _he resolutely shakes his head. If she's going to give him an honest question, he's going to give her an honest answer.

"_What?" _Kensi breathes, untangling herself from him. She softly pushes herself up from the couch, wrapping the blanket around her carefully. Her eyes search his and for a split second he sees the hurt in them. Was she seriously thinking he'd accept her proposal like that? _"It's too soon" _he explains. Surely she knew that. Surely she knew there was the possibility of him saying no.

Kensi casts her eyes down, not wanting to look at him right now _"But things are going so well" _she whispers, wringing her hands together nervously.

Deeks sighs, pushing himself up from the couch, walking towards her tentatively _"Exactly. Things are __finally __getting back to normal. Why chance all that?" _he tries to explain. He reaches for her hands but she takes two steps back before he can reach them _"Maybe because I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you" _she challenges, her eyes boring into him, a fire inside of them he didn't know she still possessed.

"_And I wouldn't want anything less," _Deeks smiles sadly, feeling very uneasy_ "you know that"_

Kensi walks past him, plopping back down on the couch with the loudest sigh _"But you don't want to marry me" _she breathes out painfully.

Deeks shakes his head slowly _"Not right now I don't"_

* * *

**There you go. How is that in terms of development? Maybe some of you think I let Deeks be too easy on Kensi but with everything they've been through together I just felt like it wouldn't be essential to the story to have them fight AGAIN. I just wanted Kensi to open up to Deeks, to show the emotion she's been suppressing for so long. I want them to start to heal together. And they are.**

** Things have been rocky between them for a long time but better times are ahead of these two, I promise. Oh, and Yes, I do know that Kensi's parents weren't together when he died but for the purpose of this story they where. **

**I don't like to beg, but you would you be so kind as to leave a review? I love to hear what you guys think. It makes for more fun writing.**

**See you all next week.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks everyone for the reviews and favorites &amp; follows. I love reading/getting them. There's only one thing I need to clear up before we get this chapter started. There was one person who reviewed that it was horrible what Deeks said to Kensi at the end of last chapter. That person said there was no coming back from that and that they should just break up. I'm not sure if there were more people that felt that way but that was certainly not my point of the conversation. Deeks meant that they weren't ready to get married YET. It's not that he said 'NO, NEVER' he said 'NO, NOT RIGHT NOW' because he felt that they weren't ready. She asked him to marry him right when they started to thread calmer waters after a VERY VERY emotional period in their lives.  
Kensi and Deeks are both very emotionally closed but impulsive people. Kensi asking Deeks to marry her was an IMPULSE. That's how I meant to write it. Like she said, things had been going so well lately and she loves him. That's not a good enough reason to ask someone to marry you is it? It assumes she thinks that when they don't get married things will deteriorate and she won't love him anymore. That's unacceptable to Deeks.  
You need to keep in mind that these people both have horrible communication skills and they often say things differently than they mean them (or interpret them differently than they are meant). Deeks didn't mean to hurt Kensi with his rejection of the proposal and you'll see in this next chapter that he had other reasons to actually say no AT THE TIME.  
I hope you guys understand that whatever happens in this story is for a reason. I actually mapped out the entire story before I posted the first chapter and I won't change it now.  
If you don't like where I'm taking it then there's nobody that's putting a gun to your head forcing you to keep reading. Actually, if you don't like it anymore I'd PREVER you just stop reading, why torture yourself with something you can't stomach? Just stop reading. No hard feelings.  
**

**I'm sorry for this long A/N beforehand but I felt like I needed to clear that up.**

**Anyway, enough of all that. Enjoy this new chapter.**

* * *

**It's one of those things that people say, you can't move on unless you let go of the past  
Letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful  
So sometimes we fight it, try and keep things the same  
Things can't stay the same though  
At some point, you just have to let go  
Move on  
Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow  
\- Meredith Grey **

It's about five months later, on the eve of Kaylee's first anniversary that Deeks finally gathers the courage to ask Kensi to marry him. Five months ago she had asked him after a crazy night of love making and he had said no, claiming it was too soon. He knew that he loved her; he knew she loved him, but he couldn't say yes, not then, not when they _just _got a little bit of solid ground back under their feet. And it's not like he had said no, not ever. His answer was clear at the time, not right now. Kensi had relented to that fact quite easily, not bringing it up after that night, further proving his point that it was an impulse question on her part.

Deeks had been planning this proposal for a while now, knowing that tonight was the perfect night to finally pop the question. Some people would question as to why he would do it on such a grief stricken day but to him it felt perfect. That day would otherwise be painfully stained for the rest of their lives. Why not turn that day into something positive instead? It's not that they needed that day to think about Kaylee, she was with them in everything they did, every single day of the year, not just on that day. They had carried her in their hearts all year, and to only use that one day to mourn her in a special way he felt wouldn't do her justice. Deep down he knew Kensi would agree with him. He also knew without absolute certainty she would say yes. The past few months they've been growing closer than they've ever been before and they're more open about everything. Their shared past has made them stronger, solidified them even more as a couple and sealing it with a marriage would simply be the icing on the cake. There was no doubt in his mind that they belonged together and tonight he was going to make sure they'd take the first step towards that.

He has been home for hours planning everything into perfection. Everyone is in on his plan. Callen and Sam were more than happy to help just like Nell and Eric. The four of them quite possibly even more excited about this than Deeks himself and it only solidified the fact that he was doing the absolute right thing. Hetty and Granger were a whole other ballgame though. He would have expected Granger to give him so grief, since he was the one who kept hammering on the fact that it was very unprofessional and dangerous to enter into a relationship with someone you work with. Even after all these years and everything they've been through together he still was the only one not completely on board with team Kensi and Deeks. What he didn't expect was how hard Hetty was going to be on him. But, Hetty seemed to have known about Kensi's proposal a few months back (he doesn't even question how she found out, Henrietta Lang just _knows _everything) and she had no problem pointing out his rejection.

"_You said no for a reason Mr. Deeks" _Hetty says, sighing deeply. Deeks casts his eyes down and matches her sigh _"Hetty," _he breathes _"I didn't say no explicitly. I said no because the timing was wrong. I always planned on marrying her Hetty. __**Always**__"  
_That was the absolute truth. Deeks had been thinking of marriage long before their lives went down the drain. If he was being completely honest he had the ring in the back of his closet, between his track bottoms (a place he knows Kensi would _never _come), ever since she promised him _all in_.  
He knew right then that it was too early to propose, that they needed to get a little bit of solid ground in their relationship before they were ready to take the next step. Right now though, he knows the timing is as perfect as it's ever going to get. He loves her, she loves him, they are happy, they are solid, and they are sure. _"I love her Hetty, I want to do this. I __**need **__to do this" _

"_Then who am I to stand in your way"_

* * *

Deeks looks around the room one last time before pulling out his phone and sending a text to Nell. Nell had been the perfect accomplish in this, whisking Kensi away for the day so that he could arrange for everything to get ready. He's happy with how things turned out. The entire living room is filled with picture balloons, hanging from the ceiling. The balloons form a row which represents their relationship timeline. The first picture contains Deeks in his boxing gear in front of the place they first met, the second balloon is the very first picture they took together on their first joined case, there's their failed date, Afghanistan, a picture of them on the ice rink (he has to thank Michelle for sneakily taking that picture), one of Kensi with her bags on Deeks' front door, the day she moved in. There's also a picture of Kaylee's first sonogram, and one of the house they bought when they found out they were going to be parents. The second to last picture is from this Thanksgiving Deeks' arms wrapped tightly around Kensi, securely tucked in his side, looking up at him lovingly. The very last picture balloon is that of the ring he bought more than two year ago, with the words "_marry me" _written under it.

His phone vibrates and he picks it up tentatively. It's Nell telling them they're on their way back and she's dropping Kensi of in ten minutes.

The slower the minutes tick by, the more nervous he gets. What if she's happy the way she is? What if she says no to get back at him? He quickly shakes his head to get the negative thoughts away. She's not going to say no just out of spite, that's not Kensi. And he knows that she wants to marry him, or at least she did five months ago, he can't think of anything changing between then and now for her to suddenly say no. He just needs to chill, take a couple breaths, and steady himself.

When he finally hears the key in the lock he knows it's the moment of truth. He's standing there in the pitch black room, waiting for her to turn on the lights and ask her the one thing he's been dying to ask her for as long as he can remember. The door opens tentatively and he can hear her breath hitch, she's nervous. It's not normal for them to have all of their lights turned off because of Monty (that damn dog just can't stop barking if it's dark. He needs sound and sight for him to be happy) and even though he can't really see her he knows her senses are in overdrive. _"Deeks," _she whispers quietly into the night _"Monty?" _

It stays eerily quiet. Largely to the fact that the mutt that usually greets her at the door enthusiastically, wagging his tail, pressing his head between her legs, is nowhere to be found. He hears her feel for the light switch and before he can talk himself out of this and run, the room is lit and the thousand of little lights he set up light up like a Christmas tree and illuminate her face with the most beautiful glow.

"_Deeks," _Kensi starts, eyes large, fixed on him _"what's-," _she doesn't finish her sentence because her eyes fall on the row of balloons behind him. He turns around giving her the warmest smile _"what is this?" _she asks quietly.

Deeks stretches his hands in front of him and she slides hers between his fingers willingly _"Kens, there's no doubt in my mind that this is what life had in store for me all along," _he starts _"all of the destruction, pain and heartbreak brought us to where I am today. And where I am is ready and willing to start a new life with you"_

"_Kensi Mary Blye, will you make me the happiest man alive and do me the honor of becoming my wife?" _

Silent tears roll down her cheeks. A million questions run through her mind. Why is he doing this? Why now? Why like this? What changed? _"No," _she says resolute. She doesn't want a pity proposal. He didn't want to marry her five months ago and she had come to accept that. She was perfectly content simply being with him. Marriage or no marriage, that wasn't going to change.

"_What," _Deeks asks confused, his voice shaky. _"No?" _That wasn't the answer he was expecting. He had been so sure of this when he planned all of it. He was sure she'd be happy, run into his arms and would say yes with full conviction.

"_I don't need to marry you" _Kensi wipes away the tears that keep falling; things had been going so well between them. She should've known it wouldn't last.

Deeks swallows the lump that accumulated in his throat _"That's not what this is about Kens. I __**want **__to marry you. I really do" _His eyes search hers timidly. Is she really questioning his motive and reasoning here? _"Why now? Why not five months ago when I asked you? Did you know how much it hurt when you said no?" _she asks, walking away from him slowly. He can feel the distance between them growing by the minute and he doesn't know what to do _"You said you understood"_

"_I lied," _Kensi admits, wringing her hands together nervously _"I didn't. I still don't"_

Deeks takes two steps towards her and places a hand on her shoulder _"Kens, please. Sit." _He pushes her towards the couch slowly and sits himself down next to her _"You know I love you"_

"_Your love was never in question" _Kensi gives him a half smile. It was never love that was a problem between them.

He realizes he might have underestimated the affect his rejection had on her and he knows he owes her a real explanation. _"Five months ago we __**just **__got our bearing back and you wanted to solidify that with a marriage. If I would have said yes then it wouldn't have been fair to you, or me. You asked me because you where worried that if you didn't we wouldn't make it. Guess what Kens, we didn't and we made it anyway"_

Kensi tries her hardest to keep the rest of her tears at bay. It's not that she really doesn't want to marry him. Hell, she was the one to ask him first. She just can't understand what changed his mind. _"But why now? Why ask me now then. If it's not marriage we need to make things work"_

"_It's not about needing to make it work Kens. It's about __**wanting **__you to be my wife. I have wanted to spend the rest of my life with you for as long as I can remember. I planned on asking you long before you ever brought it up. I had the ring in my closet for over a year because I love you and there's absolutely nothing that I want more than to be your husband" _Things come tumbling out of his mouth quicker than he can think about them _"I want to marry you because you make me a better person. You bring out the best in me; you challenge me to be the best version of myself. You taught me the meaning of sacrifice and compromise and I want the world to know that. I want the world to know that I, Marty Deeks, am the luckiest person on the planet because I get to have you as my wife"_

It's quiet for a couple minutes and he can see the wheels turning in Kensi's mind. Her eyes roam through the room, taking in every single detail of her surroundings. She can tell he really put a lot of effort into this. And if she's being honest with herself she's a traditional girl. She would have married him before she got pregnant if he had asked her, but she didn't want to push him into marriage. Deep down she knew that Deeks didn't have the best reference when it comes down to happy marriages. Not like she had anyway. And, she wasn't going to push him into something he didn't value or believe in. Hearing him say that he values and believes in it just as much as she does makes her heart flutter. It's the final piece of the puzzle she needs _"Ask me again"_

Deeks eyes her wearily. He sees the resolution in her eyes and she gives him the brightest smile _"Kensi, will you-"_

"_Yes" _she cuts him off, wrapping her arms around her in a soul crushing hug.

Deeks laugh breathlessly _"You didn't let me finish"_

"_Shut up and kiss me"_

* * *

The engagement ring is warm under his touch when they walk into OSP hand in hand that following morning. The entire team is waiting for them in the bullpen and the hugs and congratulations follow each other quickly. Granger just stands on the side shaking his head before eventually gathering the courage to go over and mumble a timid _"Congratulations". _Deeks gives him a quiet nod. Granger probably won't be his best man any time soon but at least he accepts the fact that it's happening and that's more than he ever could've asked for.

"_Let me see" _Kensi had been watching Deeks from a far, goofing off with the boys, undoubtedly talking about something funny. She turns around to face Nell. _"As if you didn't see it before" _she smiles wickedly. Kensi knows full well that Deeks had shown Nell the ring for approval.

Nell chuckles _"Touché," _she takes Kensi's hand and examines the ring sitting neatly at her finger _"but I haven't seen it on you before" _

The laughing in the distance guides Kensi's attention back to the boys. Eric seems to be rolling over laughing from something Deeks said and Callen and Sam just watch amusedly from the sideline. Sam catches Kensi's eye and winks at her knowingly. She can't help but smile herself _"You seem happy" _Nell observes. _"I am," _Kensi says, focusing her attention back on Nell _"I really am" _

"_It's been a while," _Nell suddenly sniffles _"I can't think of two people more deserving of happiness than you two. I'm really happy for you Kens". _Before she can comprehend what is happening she feels the tiny body wrapped around her.

"_Thanks Nell" _Kensi says, letting her own emotions settle over her.

She loses herself in the embrace for a little while until a smooth silky voice pulls her out of her trance _"Are you ready to get some work done today fiancée?"_

Kensi steps out of Nell's embrace and smiles up at Deeks _"Yes I am my future husband"_

"_I love when you call me that"_

"_I love that I __**can **__call you that" _Kensi admits.

Five months ago she thought she'd never get to marry the man of her dreams. That she was going to have to accept the fact that marriage just wasn't something that was meant for her.  
Today had proven differently and for once she didn't mind being wrong.

* * *

**A/N. Just a quick reminder that in this story Julia and Donald Blye where happily married when he died and Kensi grew up in a somewhat stable house environment (as stable as it can get when your dad is a marine) unlike Deeks which's back story I haven't changed much (abusive father, nearly nonexistent mother). It hopefully explained how much value Kensi has for marriage opposed to Deeks.**

**Just an extra heads up for my faithful readers, I want to warn you that this story is drawing to a near end. I just feel there isn't much more places I can take it without feeling like I drag the inevitable ending out. There are probably about 2 or 3 more chapters in this.**

**Don't forget to review. Love to know what you think.**

**Til next week**


	14. Chapter 14

**A soul mate is someone who has locks that fits our keys, and keys that fit our locks.**

**When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for whom we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise.  
Our soul mate is the one who makes life come to life  
\- Richard Bach**

They get married six months later, on a quiet beach just from the coast of Hawaii (Hetty's treat. That woman seriously has connections all over the world).

It's a beautiful sunny day; the sand is white as snow, and the sky a piercing blue. Kensi looks absolutely breathtaking in her knee length sleeveless gown, the sweetheart neckline complimenting her broad shoulders. She looks and feels like a princes, which is largely due to the fact that the skirt of her dress is completely made of lace and her hair is perfectly curled pulled together to one side. It's all so very unlike Kensi. So vastly different from the jeans, t-shirt and ponytail she wears nearly every day. But, that's what makes it perfect.

Deeks looks equally dapper in his light grey tuxedo, his black tie and white shoes a perfect complement to her dress. The blue rose pinned to his jacket a perfect accent to the already piercing blueness of his eyes. Eric and Nell stand on either side of him as his best man and her bridesmaid. Her arm is looped through her mother's and she has the most beautiful smile plastered on her face.  
Julia places her daughter's hands in Deeks' and gives him an equally beautiful smile _"Take care of her for me" _she whispers before kissing him on the cheek. Deeks simply nods, giving Julia's hand a tight squeeze as quiet thanks. He will never forget how much that woman did for both of them, he's pretty sure that without her they wouldn't be standing here today.

Two hours later they are summoned to the dance floor for their first dance as husband and wife. Kensi places her head on his shoulder, her ear near his heart, the quiet thumping soothing her into a state of pure bliss. They did it, they made it, they got married.

"_Are you happy?" _Deeks' voice rumbles through her. She smiles up at him, the same bright smile that has been on her face the entire day.  
_"I sure am" _she admits, kissing him soundly on the lips, their bodies swaying softly to the music of Justin Timberlake's mirrors.

Deeks tightens his grip on her a little more, pulling her in as closely as he can before whispering a heartfelt, quiet "_I love you Mrs. Deeks Blye" _in her ear. He feels her shutter, a quiet reminder that she's still not used to hearing that from him. Her beautiful eyes shine brightly upon him when she tilts her head up capturing his lips with her own "_And I love you Mr. Deeks Blye"_

* * *

They honeymoon in the Caribbean, in the most beautiful cabana, for a full week before Kensi's senses kick in and she practically makes him hightail them the hell back to Los Angeles. They are in no way workaholics but they both enjoy their jobs way too much to simply lay on a sandy white beach with absolutely nothing on their mind for longer than seven whole days. And it's not like they wouldn't be seeing each other anymore when they go back, they work together. They are going to be seeing each other pretty much 24/7, just like they have been doing for the past six years or so. But, despite that they don't tell people they're back for another week, simply giving themselves the time to enjoy and explore their bond as husband and wife before life and, inevitably, work draws them back to reality.

Being back in Los Angeles eased some of Kensi's nerves. She knows that they can manage perfectly without them, but that doesn't mean she doesn't like to have a finger on the pulse ever so often to see where they stand. And, if they were needed back at work, they'd both be there in a heartbeat. That's a lot easier to do from their home than from that little cabana in the Caribbean.

"_You're a controller you know" _Deeks tells her one night, when she checks in with Nell for the tenth time that day. She can't help but want to make sure everything in Los Angeles is safe and secure. Now that they haven't been in the office for over two weeks, she surely starts to feel a little restless _"And yet you married me anyway" _she chuckles.

She still can't believe they actually got married. Kensi Marie Blye is now and forever will be Kensi Marie Deeks Blye. They chose to hyphenate their names because of Kaylee. They wanted to give her, and their possible future children, both of their last names and they simply thought it would be weird if they didn't do the same when they got married. And if she's honest, she wouldn't have wanted to keep her own last name and as much as she would have been happy with only Deeks as their last name, Deeks himself had not wanted to hear any of it. Kaylee was part Deeks and part Kensi and he thought her name should represent that.

"_What are you thinking about?" _Deeks voice draws her out of her thoughts, and she focuses her eyes on him. _"Kaylee_" she admits quietly. There's still a pang in her heart every time she speaks her name but at least she's able to say it without feeling like the ground beneath her will swallow her whole.

Deeks rises an eyebrow _"what about her" _he asks. They haven't talked about Kaylee in a while. Not that they don't think about her, they do, every single day, but they don't _talk _about her as much as they did in the past.

"_I was just thinking about how grateful I am that you let her have both of our last names" _Kensi admits. The choice to hyphenate their names was theirs both, but the idea was all Deeks and she's so happy he insisted on it back then. At the time she couldn't have cared less, like pretty much everything didn't back then, but right now she can admit that she's happy he took control.

Deeks wraps his arms around her from behind and nuzzles his nose in the crook of her neck _"She's part you and part me Kens. She __**deserves **__to __have both our names" _

Kensi swallows, feeling lonely tears prick behind her eyes. The grief and pain of loss isn't as overwhelming as it used to be but she still feels it, deeply. It's especially hard and fresh when she hears Deeks refer to Kaylee in the present tense, like she's still with them. She knows he only does that because that's how he keeps her memory alive and she wouldn't ask him to change it for anything, she just simply wishes that sometimes her mind would give her a little warning sign when the emotional turmoil becomes a little too much to bare. _"Thanks for pushing it Deeks"_ she says, her voice cracking slightly. She can still remember the terrible fight they had over it. She just didn't see the point in giving her a name at all, she was dead. Who cared what she was called? Now she knows that it was the irrational grief talking but back then she thought she was perfectly normal in her perception of the situation.

"_That's what I do sweetheart," _Deeks smiles _"push until you cave" _

Kensi sighs deeply once more, trying to shake the emotional war going on in her mind. Her eyes sparkle and her hands find a way through Deeks' waistband, pulling him towards her slowly. "_Is that right?" _Kensi says sensually, the entire situation doing a one eighty _"And how exactly do you do that?" _She licks her lips seductively, leaving no room for argument to what she actually means.

Deeks seems to be catching on quick, looping his own arms around her tightly."_I think it might be best to show you" _he says, bringing one hand down to her ass. He tightens his hold on it long enough to swoop in, pick her up and throw her over his shoulder.

Kensi shrieks _"Deeks, put me down" _the sound of her laugh echo's through the hallway.  
Deeks doesn't ease up, but simply hoists her up a little higher "_No can do princess. I push until you cave"_

* * *

He's playing with the ends of her hair when she's cuddled against him warmly, head on his torso, enjoying the quiet afterglow of love making when she suddenly utters his name "_Deeks"_

"_Yes?" _he asks, intrigued by her serious tone

Kensi lifts her head up, chin pressed into his torso "_How do you think about having another baby?" _She tries to read his reaction, searches his eyes for something, but they just stare at her blankly "_Where is this coming from?" _Deeks' surprised, they haven't talked about this since well, ever. He should have known that today's case was one to bring it up. They had been called in to investigate the murder of a young marine who left behind a wife and little baby boy, about two years old. The boy had taken to Deeks quite fondly very quickly and he had been on his tail the entire day. "_I just saw how good you where with that baby today and it made me realize I still want that," _she admits, confirming his suspicion _"with you"_

"_Are you sure you are ready?" _Deeks asks. It's not that he wants to ask, he **needs **to. He knows that trying for another baby isn't the same as actually getting to have to experience another pregnancy but he needs to know where her head is at. If she really wants this, if she's really ready to do this.

Kensi nods "_I don't think there will ever come a time when I'll feel I am completely ready but I think right now is as ready as I'll ever be". _She wants to tell him she's been discussing this with her mother and her therapist but she decides against it. She needs to convince him she's ready on her own, if she can't do that then she's not sure **he's **ready and if they are going to do this they are going to both be on board with it 100%.

"_I'm not sure Kens. I don't want to push you" _Deeks says, voicing his fears. He had thought about having other children before, actually right after they lost Kaylee. His therapist told him it might not be a good idea to bring it up because she would let him know when she was ready. The other reason was that he knew deep down that if they got pregnant again and had a child so soon after Kaylee they would always look at her as a substitute for the one they lost, and that's not something he ever wants to put a child through. Children should be born into this world because they're wanted for who they are, not for who they can represent.

Kensi smiles, she knows he's thought about it before. She's seen the longing in his eyes long before she felt the urge "_You're not pushing me. I'm __**telling **__you. I want to try again"_

"_Okay" _he says, kissing the top of her head lovingly.

She searches his eyes, she would have expected more of a fight from him, more of 'are you sure' and 'we're not ready' but apparently he's trusting her with this "_Okay?"_

"_Yes, Okay, we'll try," _Deeks locks his eyes with Kensi's _"On one condition"_

Ah, there it is. A condition. She thinks about retracting her previous statement, telling him she actually feels she isn't as ready as she thought she'd be but she'll give him the benefit of the doubt "_Name it"_

"_If it becomes too much, emotionally I mean, you tell me. Or you go talk to someone. I don't want this to tear us apart"_

Well, that's not a bad of a condition Kensi thinks"_I can promise that," _she admits. It's actually one she's really glad he made. She would have suggested therapy when she was to get pregnant again to help ease with the whirlwind of emotions sure to flood their way and she's happy she doesn't have to. They're on the same page with this, like with mostly everything these days_"__**if **__you do the same"_

Deeks doesn't have to think about that "_Deal" _he says resolute. If they are going to do this, they are going to do it right. They are going to accept all the help there is to offer and it's not going to break them or tear them apart. They've been through too much to lose each other again.

"_So we're really doing this?" _Kensi asks after a moment of silence. Her eyes are questioning but behind those beautiful round orbs he can see the determination and unwavering hopefulness that warms his heart.

"_We are"_

* * *

**_A/N I keep trying to upload on Sundays but then something happens and I either forget or just don't have the chance to do so. Well, I can keep saying I'm sorry for that or I can just let you enjoy the updates when they come (and just not promise things I don't know I can follow through with).  
_**

**_I hate asking for things but can I ask you guys to review once more? I've seen the reviews have been dwindling down since the last two chapters and I really just want you guys to let me know what you still think of this. It doesn't have to be an entire letter, just an encouraging word or two usually does the trick. It makes me write better, faster and makes updating a whole lot more fun._**

**_See you all next week? _**


	15. Chapter 15

_**Okay, just a couple of things I want to address before we get into this chapter. First and foremost I need to thank each and every one of you who reviewed, favorited or followed this story. It still blows my mind. Secondly, I got a question from a reviewer if I was going to put the reaction of the team into a future chapter (about trying for another baby) and I decided against that. I had this chapter mapped out in my head before that question came and I feel like I don't have enough of a grip on the other characters than I have on Kensi &amp; Deeks for it to do it justice. That also gets me to my last point. I feel like the natural progression of this story is working its way to an end and I don't want to put in 'filler' chapters just to make this story longer. It ends when it ends and I just want you guys to realize, we're nearing the end (of this story off course)  
Anyway, without further ado here's chapter 15.**_

* * *

**Why, he wondered, was it so hard to see humankind as capable of creating miracles?  
Miracles were just second chances if you really thought about it,  
second chances when all hope was lost  
\- Kaya Mclaren**

When they eventually found out she was pregnant again, they had conflicted emotions. On one hand they were extremely happy to know it was still possible for them, but on the other hand the thought of going through something as horrible as losing Kaylee again had crippled them with fear. The fear of losing _this _baby comes with an ebb and flow throughout the first four and half months of this pregnancy. Deeks had ordered them into another round of therapy after he found out, before they actually managed to drown. She was still so very happy to have him by her side through all of it. He might never admit it but she knew that deep down Deeks was as scared as she was that they wouldn't make it through this pregnancy unscathed.

Things got even trickier when the twenty week ultrasound provided them with not one but two heartbeats. Never in a million years would they have thought that having twins was a possibility for them. She had been happy enough with the positive pregnancy test, knowing it was still possible.  
The thought of not having to take care of one but two babies in her belly had managed to cause a terrible case of anxiety, which in turn could cause depression. Turns out, depression during a pregnancy isn't as uncommon as it sounds, especially not after a stillbirth. Their psychologist even told them to prepare for some of it before they even knew there would be two.  
So, that's when they don't freak out when it eventually happens. She's almost 28 weeks pregnant when she slips into a two week depression. She calls in sick, locks herself up in the house, refuses to eat anything other than graham crackers and milk, and stays in bed for the entirety of the two weeks with the Doppler on her belly every hour to listen to their heartbeats.

Somehow around week 30 she manages to pick herself up, dust herself off and move forward with a new found optimism. As quickly and quietly as the depression spell came, so quickly and quietly it vanishes as well. One day she wakes up, shakes off all the negative thoughts, gets dressed and walks in to work like nothing ever happened.

She has been put on desk duty for the entire duration of the pregnancy before she could even protest. Not that she would have. She knew that right now, this time, she would do _anything _in her power to protect those babies in her belly and if that meant desk duty for nine months, then she'd lovingly provide that for them.

At the end of her pregnancy Deeks is even more concerned than he's ever been, and it's driving her nuts. She knows he means well, and it's just that he's scared but she just needs to breathe, a little.  
Her phone rings for the fiftieth time that day and she simply presses the ignore button before letting out a really big sigh. Callen is sitting next to her and he can see the irritation resonating of her in waves _"Kensi, give the guy a break. He's just scared," _ He knows that checking up on her fifty times a day might be considered a little excessive but after everything they've been through he can't fault the guy for being careful _"I don't need to tell you that stress isn't good for the babies"._

Kensi sighs, she knows that he's right but some days Deeks just really gets on her nerves. She's already 33 weeks pregnant and that means she's over the point where things went wrong with Kaylee and although this is a twin pregnancy and there are more risks involved, she's much more relaxed and optimistic than she thought she would have been at this stage. Deep down she knows that the easiest way to deal with him is to simply pick up the phone, tell him they are fine or maybe just send him a little text but somehow she decides against it. She might understand where this concern is coming from but that doesn't mean she has to accept it _"I know" _she answers simply.

"_I think,-" _Callen starts but he gets interrupted by the blasting of his own phone and he casts a quick glance away from Kensi _"Hi Deeks" _ Off course he would call him if Kensi didn't pick up. Deeks knows that Callen is at OSP right now and has the best possible knowledge as to how Kensi's doing

Kensi sighs again; this is so typically Deeks that she manages to let out a quiet chuckle. Most days it's simply adorable how much he worries and cares for her and the babies, but today is not that day. She grabs Callen's phone away _"Deeks, I'm fine. We're fine. All good. Go back to work" _she says before pressing end and giving the phone back to Callen. She looks at him sternly _"And don't you __**dare **__pick up again if you see it's Deeks" '_

Callen thinks about saying something but decides against it. Never argue with a pregnant woman, the hormones will fight double the battle for her _"Wouldn't dream of it" _he says instead.

* * *

"_Deeks, please. I can go" _she says one day when he in not so many words _forbids _her to come with him to Nell's birthday party. She knows the worst thing that can happen but right now she's almost 35 weeks pregnant and every single day those babies stay inside her womb is another day they have a better chance at survival. And the shrink told her that she needed to relax for as long as she could. Right now, a party in honor of her best friend's birthday is as relaxing as she thinks she's going to be.

Deeks shakes his head vigorously _"Kens, It's just a birthday. Nell will understand" _She's thirty five weeks pregnant, has a belly that looks like a blown up basketball, her feet are swollen, sore and she can't even manage to tie her own shoelaces but yet she wants to sit at a birthday party for hours on end. Sometimes he really hates the stubborn streak Kensi has

"_It's __**Nell. **__I'm going and that's final" _ she says resolute, and the way she looks at him lets him know he's going to lose this battle one way or another so he better just cave right now _"Fine, your choice," _he says, but he shakes his head when she throws her arms in the air to get him to help her up _"No way Kens. You're the one who wants to go. You can get up yourself" _

Kensi huffs _"Jackass". _ Yes she wants to go to the party. It's Nell, her best friend. She's not going to stay away from one of her best friend's birthday parties because she's eight months pregnant. She huffs out another breath before she pushes herself off the couch and she smiles broadly when she manages to stand upright. She doesn't even needs Deeks help anyway, she can get ready herself. She'll show him.

One hour later she almost admits defeat. She had managed to change into something more party appropriate but she had to admit that it nearly cuts of the circulation to her brain and it's not nearly as comfortable as the maternity pants she had been wearing for the past few months. Right now, she's trying her hardest to put on her favorite pair of black heels, but somehow her bloated feet aren't cooperating. She looks at her comfortable sneakers and then back to the black dress she managed to worm herself in. That simply wouldn't do, she was going to have to make a choice. Either she changed clothes into something more comfortable so that she can wear her sneakers or she'd have to bite her tongue and push her sore swollen feet into the black heels. She feels the tears prick behind her eyes, and lowers her head, closing her eyes for a second.

That's how Deeks finds her twenty minutes later. _"Kens? Are you ready to go?" _he pops his head around the door. She's still sitting on the bed, head in her hands, crying softly _"Kens?" _

"_I'm too big to fit into anything that's party appropriate," _she sniffles. Her bloodshot eyes focus on him before she huffs _"You were right. I should just stay home" _

"_No, I was wrong. You're pregnant, not an invalid. If you want to go with me then by all means I want you to come. But please just change into something more comfortable. You're eight months pregnant, nobody expects you to dress up" _Deeks explains, dropping a kiss on her cheek.

Kensi gives him a smile through her tears, that's why she loves this man. He always knows exactly when to apologize or what to say to make her feel better. _"Give me ten minutes" _she says before disappearing back into the bathroom.

Exactly ten minutes later she reappears in a floor length summer dress that hugs her in all the right places and shows of her prudent stomach in the most beautiful way. Her hair is down and wavy, something it's been doing naturally for the duration of this pregnancy and it makes her look like a goddess. _"You look breathtaking" _Deeks says honestly, before he extents his hands and draws her in for a hug.

"_I'm wearing flip flops underneath," _Kensi's breath tickles in his ear. It makes all the hairs on his arms stand up. She lifts her head up and looks at him with an intensity he'll never get tired of seeing. This woman, this beautiful pregnant woman, can still manage to take his breath away with one single look. Deeks chuckles lightly before letting their lips meet in a sensual kiss _"I won't tell if you won't" _

At that point the babies in her belly make themselves known, kicking up a storm _"I think your children agree" _she smiles, before she guides his hand to where the babies are kicking. She can see his eyes glaze over when they kick again. As much as it has become a normal reoccurrence during the day (and mostly nights, much to Kensi's dismay) it still manages to be special every time they tell them they're still in there. Deeks rubs her belly, drops a kiss to it fleetingly before extending his arm towards her. She loops hers through without hesitation _"Let's go tiger"_

* * *

37, 5 weeks into her pregnancy she gets labor pains at night and even though they scheduled the induction for the end of the week she knows that maybe those babies of theirs are as stubborn as the both of them combined and will come out on their own terms.

She's _exactly _thirty eight weeks pregnant when sporadically her water breaks and they rush her to the hospital. The entirety of the labor is pretty much a blur to her; the only thing she remembers is that exactly five hours, forty-three minutes and twenty-seven seconds later Jayden and Alyssa Deeks Blye come into the world, both perfectly happy and healthy. With only ten minutes old she can tell that little Jayden is a spitting image of his father and Alyssa is a good solid combination of the both of them, with Deeks' piercing blue eyes but Kensi's full head of hair.

"_Can I come in?" _they hear a voice come from the end of the room and they both smile upon seeing Julia. They had called her mother before they got to the hospital but they managed to talk her out of coming any sooner than they were born, as a precaution. The doctor also told them they wouldn't let anyone other than the doctor's and Deeks in the room during labor.

"_Mom," _Kensi breathes happily, before shifting her attention back to their babies.

Julia walks inside slowly, tears already forming in her eyes when she sees both babies. _"They are beautiful," _she breathes and drops a kiss on Kensi's head before giving Deeks a tight hug _"congratulations guys"._

* * *

Later that night, when all the hassle and fuss over little Jayden and Alyssa has died down for the time being (seriously, he's pretty sure the entire OSP team has visited alongside Callen, Sam, Nell, Eric, Hetty and much to his surprise even Granger) he looks at his beautiful wife nursing and a sudden feeling of pride and admiration washes over him. She's not only this beautiful woman, his wife, she's also the most amazing mother in the world and he loves her and his children more than he's ever loved anything in his entire life and he's going to spend the rest of his life proving that to them.

There's a sudden knock at the door that shakes him from his thoughts. A blob of dark brown hair shows itself through the tiniest of openings _"Anyone still awake?" _he hears the voice say and the rest of the door opens quietly revealing a very tired, yet lagged looking Nate

"_Dude," _Deeks whispers. Kensi had managed to fall asleep quickly after feeding their babies and he wasn't about to let her wake up just yet. _"You're supposed to be somewhere around the Galapagos Islands" _

"_I already had to miss your wedding; you didn't really think I was going to miss this did you?" _Nate explains, enveloping Deeks into a tight hug. _"You did good brother" _he says, when he sees the two little bundles sleeping soundly in their little beds

"_We did," _Deeks smiles, looking at a peacefully sleeping Kensi _"you want me to wake her?"_

"_No, let her sleep a little longer. I'll just keep you company" _Nate claps Deeks on the back before taking a chair and sitting down.

They sit there in quiet admiration of the babies for a little while before Nate suddenly asks the question that he never got an answer to all those years ago _"So, have you figured out what makes your partnership unique?" _

Deeks chuckles lightly but before he gets a chance to answer there's a little grunt coming from the hospital bed _"It's a love story" _Kensi says, opening her eyes slowly and she gives them the most breathtaking smile before her eyes find their children.

Nate smiles, his eyes dart from Kensi to Deeks and then back to the two little bundles. There was absolutely no doubt in his mind that this was where they were headed long before they both even realized _"It sure is"_

* * *

**_A/N And now there's only an epilogue left to write. Reviews are love! _**

**_Xx_**


	16. Epilogue

**I'm sorry you had to wait for this so long. Real life got in the way and it took me a little longer to write this last piece (maybe because my OCD kicked in and I wanted it to be perfect, which it's obviously NEVER going to be) anyway, here it is, the final installment of Leap of faith.  
I want to thank each and every one of you one last time for all the favorites, follows and/or reviews this story has gotten over the months. It was hard to write at times but I'm happy with the way it turned out.  
Enjoy the epilogue**

* * *

**Someday, we'll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain.  
We will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time.  
After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race.  
So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and love all over again  
\- Author Unknown**

**5 years later**

It's a beautiful autumn day when they celebrate the twins 5th birthday. There's no real theme to the party but both Jayden &amp; Alyssa had agreed upon a dress code pretty quickly. They wanted their friends to dress up as their future self.

As Deeks looks around the garden, filled with most of the kids dressed up as cops, doctors or firefighters, there's an immense sense of pride that shots through him. There's this one girl though, one of Alyssa's newer friends, he believes her name is Maggie, that's dressed in this cute flowery dress with a huge balloon stuffed under it and he can't help but chuckle at the ridiculousness it portraits, this tiny human with the belly of a grown woman. He chuckles, because he knows exactly who she's trying to be.  
He walks over to the side of the lemonade stand where Kensi currently leans against _"You don't happen to have the convenient ability to freeze time, do you?" _he asks, when he wraps his arms around her from behind.  
Kensi sighs into his embrace and leans her head against his shoulder _"No. And even if I did I wouldn't" _she answers ruefully. Her hands find its way to her expanding belly _"As much as I love it, I would __**not**__ want to be eight months pregnant for the rest of my life"_

As on queue the baby starts kicking up a storm inside her belly and she winches slightly. The pain it gives is still bearable but she's happy that the delivery is scheduled two weeks from now.  
_"Point made babe. Point made" _Deeks says, turning his wife around to face him. _"You're almost ready to come out, aren't you?" _he says, crouching down to stomach level. Kensi winches again when there's another huge kick _"I think that's a yes"_

* * *

"_Mommmmmyyyy," _she feels Alyssa wrapped around her leg before she sees her. She gives a look at Deeks, letting him know she needs a little help here. Picking up a five year old with a very prudent belly is a huge challenge so she's happy that Deeks picks up their daughter and leads them to a bench on the far end of the backyard. _"What's wrong sweetie?" _she wipes away the hairs in her face and she sees those big blue orbs shining brightly with unshed tears.

"_Jasper is following me. I told him to stop but he just keeps coming. Look mommy, he's coming here again" _Alyssa says exasperated, letting out a sigh, putting her tiny hands on her hips.

Kensi has to chuckle a little and looks at Deeks for support _"Do you know why Jasper is doing that Princess?" _Deeks says, sitting himself down next to his wife and daughter.

Alyssa shakes her head and turns around to face her father _"You see what Jasper's holding?" _Deeks points to the huge square box in the little guys arms _"that's your present. My guess is that he just wants to give it to you because it looks pretty heavy" _  
The little girl's eyes light up when she hears the words present and she claws of her mother's lap as fast as she can. _"Jaaaaasper" _she screams, running towards him as fast as her little legs will carry her.

* * *

"_Deeks," _her melodic voice comes from the other end of the bath they're currently having. He doesn't stop rubbing her feet but makes eye contact to show he's listening_ "Did you ever think we'd end up here when you first met me?"_

Deeks chuckles, thinking back to the very beginning. How mesmerized he was by her and how annoyed she always seemed to be with him. It shouldn't have but somehow it worked _"This might sound cheesy, but I did"_

"_You did?" _Kensi asks surprised. She might have been a little intrigued by Deeks when they first met but never in a million years would she have predicted becoming his wife and the mother of his children. She just never thought he'd be that serious about any relationship.

Deeks nods _"The moment I laid eyes on you in that gym I knew you were a very special woman and I wanted to do anything to make you mine" _he answers truthfully.

"_You just wanted to cross me of your must-have-sex-with list"_

"_No" _

Kensi raises an eyebrow _"Okay, maybe at first," _he admits quietly _"but the more we worked together the more I realized you were the real deal. That I wanted __**everything**__ with you. I remember one night after that case with that little girl, I looked at you and said to myself this is the woman I want to spend my life with and I'm going to fight for her "_and he did. Fight for her. There were tons of fights and lots of moments they both wanted to give up but somehow they always managed to crawl back out of the rabbit hole they threw themselves in. For Deeks, that was what true love was all about. There was no doubt in his mind that Kensi was his soul mate.

"_Raisa" _

"_What?" _Deeks asks, the name not ringing any current bells.

"_The little girl we saved that night. Her name was Raisa" _Kensi explains. She remembers that case all too clearly. It was their last real case right before she got shipped off to Afghanistan. It was before they even slept together.

Deeks thinks back to that case. The little girl was abducted by a marine. That same marine that later turned out to be her father. The man just wanted his family reunited, he just went about it the wrong way _"Yes, Raisa. She was my catalyst"_

Kensi swallows; it was before they went on their date, before they slept together, before both of them felt comfortable enough to say there was more between them than just simple friendship and close partnership_ "You knew you wanted me before all that?"_

"_Yes, I was really struggling with telling you or not and just when I told myself 'to hell with it' we had our last case together and you got shipped off and then the Jack thing happened and I just, I don't know. It really messed it up"_

Tears threaten to spill when she hears him say that he was ready to start a life with her. Why did Hetty have to be the one to tear them apart before they got the chance to actually start? Kensi wonders if she'll ever be able to truly forgive Hetty for everything that happened _"Oh Deeks, I'm sorry"_

Deeks makes his way over to her side of the bath and cuddles her close to him cupping her head in his hands _"Why are you sorry? It wasn't your choice" _he says, kissing away her tears.

She puts her hand on his cheek _"True," _she says, rubbing her fingers over his stubble _"but I didn't make things easier after I got back"_

"_Kens, we've been through so much but all off those things made us stronger and brought us to where we are today," _he answers truthfully, dropping a soft kiss on her lips before rubbing her belly _"and there's nowhere else I want to be"_

Kensi sighs, looking at the beautiful, kind man in front of her. At one point in time she couldn't imagine having to live with him for more than eight hours a day, now she can't imagine living without him period _"I love you"_

"_I love you too"_

* * *

Carmen Daniela is born in Cedars- Sinai medical center on a lovely midsummer night in early August. With her beautiful blonde curls and hazel brown eyes she's another perfect mix of both mommy and daddy.

"_There's the third musketeer" _Deeks smiles while picking up Jayden and Alyssa one by one, putting them on Kensi's hospital bed.

"_She's so tiny mommy" _Jayden says, in awe of the little pink bundle wrapped in his mother's arms.  
Alyssa snickers _"she's like me, daddy. Right?" _her blue orbs search his and he smiles every so brightly _"She sure is, Lyss"_

"_Two men, three women. You're going to have it rough dad" _Kensi says, winking at Deeks.

"_I wouldn't want it any other way, my love"_

* * *

She's forty when she decides that working full time just doesn't cut it anymore. Deeks became an agent over a decade ago and now with Carmen she knows she needs to make concessions. Work used to be her life but with their three perfect children and amazing husband Kensi realizes there is more to life. They work out a shared partnership with Nell. As a newly certified agent she wants to be out in the field more and Kensi doesn't mind a little more desk duty now that she has children.  
Surprisingly enough Hetty and Granger both think it's a great idea and they even open up a little day care inside OSP so that Kensi can do what she loves and still have her children around at the same time. Eric and Nell got married two years after Kensi and Deeks did, and she knows that Eric isn't happy with their new arrangement because he worries about Nell in the field. Kensi knows she might be tiny, but they didn't nickname her the tiny terror for nothing, because Nell sure knows how to handle herself. She's been on the receiving end of her protectiveness and badass-ness over the years and if there's one thing Kensi knows for sure it's that 'bad ass' 'isn't just **her** middle name, its Nell's as well.

"_How do you do it?"_

She's sitting in OSP with Eric, watching the huge screen in front of them currently portraying both of their better halves dogging it out in a fight with a couple suspects _"Do what, Eric?"_

"_Not go crazy with worry when they're out in the field" _Eric sighs, seeing Nell doing what she does day in day out drives him up the wall most days.

Kensi squeezes his shoulder lightly _"I have to trust they have each other's back," _she explains. She remembers how extremely worried she was, and if she's honest still is sometimes, when Deeks first went out into the field without her. But through the years she'd managed to trust on her instincts, and on the partners ability to be there for each other, that was the only way she made it through  
_"I have to trust that at the end of the day they'd do anything to bring each other home safely"_

"_But how?" _Eric questions, his eyes not leaving the screen. Kensi swallows, she knows this isn't easy for him, she knows exactly what he's going through and maybe that's why she knows what he needs to hear right now _"Faith. They are both trained, very skilled professionals. They know what they're doing out there"_

Eric quickly glances sideways at Kensi before focusing his eyes back on the screen _"I guess"_

"_Eric, Hetty wouldn't send them out in the field if she didn't believe they could do it. And, even if she did I would never let my man walk into danger willingly without the proper back up. Nell is a terrific agent, I trust her with my husband's life. So should you. Trust her to come home to you" _

Eric smiles sadly _"I just hate that I can't protect her," _he admits, _"I'm up here all day and the only thing I can do is pray she'll walk through those doors safely at the end of the day"_

And that is the root of the problem right there, Kensi thinks. Nell didn't think twice about becoming an agent, leaving Eric alone in OSP where he began. And she knows it's not because he hates his job, or that he doesn't love getting to do what he does every day. It's that complete sense of powerlessness that sometimes comes over you when the better half of you is out there doing good things, saving lives, and you're cooped up in here, watching the action from a giant screen when sometimes all you want to do is run to them, help, be there to protect. _"That's the life of an agent's spouse. Got to learn to live with it, I guess"_

"_Do you miss it," _Eric asks after a brief silence_ "being an agent?"_

"_Sometimes," _Kensi admits _"but then I see the smiles of my three beautiful children and I know I've made the right choice"_

Eric swirls his chair around so that he now completely faces Kensi _"How did you make that decision?" _he asks, rightfully curious

She has to think about that for a minute. It wasn't the easiest decision she ever made in her life, but it wasn't the hardest either. She knew that she couldn't keep doing what she did before she had children, and thankfully there had been plenty of people willing to compromise to make the decision easier on her _"We had the fortune that Hetty didn't want to lose both of us and she set up a daycare inside OSP. It was actually quite easy after that. I wanted to work less; Nell wanted to be a full time agent. We knew Deeks worked well with both of us so it all worked out"_

"_You don't regret it?" _

She doesn't have to think twice before answering that one _"Not for one second. I wouldn't change anything" _she says truthfully. As much as it had pained her to see her husband go out into the field with anyone that wasn't here, she knew she made the right choice every single time they drove home together after a hard day at work and they laid eyes on their three beautiful children.

"_Sometimes I wish Nell was a little more like you, Kens"_

"_Why?" _she asks, curiosity getting the best of her.

"_You found your paradise, your peace," _Eric explains _"I feel like Nell's still looking for that. I know she loves me, I don't doubt that. I just doubt that she knows what she wants out of life"_

"_You're both still so young. You don't have to have it all figured out by now" _she admits.  
Kensi had always seen Nell and Eric, or 'Neric' as Deeks so lovingly called them most of the time, as younger versions of herself and Deeks. And, knowing how well they turned out there was no doubt in her mind that this was a pair that was going places _"Hang on Eric, she's worth it. Don't give up on her"_

"_Thanks Kens" _Eric smiles, hugging her tightly.

* * *

She's 48 when her mother dies and she doesn't handle it well. For a while she even takes all of her grief and anger out on Deeks. Nothing he says or does appears to be good enough and as much as it drives him insane he takes it in stride. The death of her mother brings back all of the suppressed grief of losing Kaylee and he knows this is just another faze they have to get through.

Months later, when things have settled back into a somewhat quiet normal rhythm, she apologizes to him profusely. Deeks just brushes it off. There's nothing to be sorry about in his eyes, and he always knew they'd make it through this just as they made it through everything else in live. With patience, love, and understanding.

_"She was an amazing woman, Kens. Just like you" _he says when he lays flowers down on her grave.

Kensi squeezes his hand quickly _"I wish we'd had more time together. I wish our children would have had more time with their grandmother" _she admits. Having to have lived without her for so long, she wished she would have been given more time. But, apparently some things in live you just couldn't control.

"_Cherish the time you did have together, babe. It was precious" _Deeks says, dropping a kiss on her cheek

"_She's with Kaylee now, right?" _she whispers quietly into the wind, eyes focused on the one cloud drifting in an otherwise crispy blue sky.

"_She is, Kensi. She is"_

* * *

When the kids are old enough they decide to retire, sell the house and travel around the world. They start in Paris, France, the city of love and work their way to the Swish Alps before they finally settle down in San Piero a Ponti near Florence, Italy. They open up a little bed and breakfast and every year their children, alongside Sam, Callen, Eric, Nell and their children, visit for a week to simply have fun and catch up. They have all remained friends throughout the years and even their children became friends. Callen and Joelle's son Emerson even dating Nell &amp; Eric's daughter Joanna.  
Hetty and Granger had passed away decades ago but left their footprints on the little bed and breakfast Kensi and Deeks had called 'the garden gnome'

"_Are you happy?" _Kensi asks one night when they're lying down by the roaring fire in the quietness of their beautiful backyard, her head propped against his chest, their hands entwined tightly.

Deeks drops a kiss in her hair, twirling a piece of it around in his free hand. They're both old and grey but to him she's still as beautiful as the day he met her and he still loves her just as much, if not so much more, as he did the first time he laid eyes on her more than forty years ago _"I have been since the day you walked into my life"_

And as they lay there, entangled in each other's arms, their hearts and heads as entwined as grapevines they might not have known what the days ahead had in store for them, there was one thing they knew with an absolute certainty, whatever it was they'd handle it together. Because they knew as long as they had each other they could take on anything life threw at them.

* * *

**That's it ladies and gentlemen. This is where it ends. I contemplated writing this epilogue all the way to their deaths but I wanted to end it on a happier note, giving you guys the chance to fantasize about how they eventually live the last years of their lives together. A little mystery never hurt anybody, right?  
I will ask you guys one last time to review this chapter. Let me know what you think, it means the world to me that this story has received such positive feedback. **

**I'm not sure when I'll be back with another story. It might be a while, real life needs to be lived, and my muse might be in desperate need of a little vacation and I'm inclined to give it.  
So I guess this is it for now, I say "until we meet again". **

**Love,  
Sabine**


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